Then convey those expectations, and see what he says. If he gets super defensive, that would be a warning sign.
The problem with these things is that if there's nothing going on, he will tell you the truth and say there's nothing going on. And if there's SOMETHING going on, he will lie and tell you . . . there's nothing going on.
Ugh! The other thing is I'm supposed to go out with her as well this weekend. Should be interesting! What if she brings up the fact that they've been talking????
Then say "I'm not comfortable discussing this with you, and I really don't think it's even appropriate for a married man to have been sharing that kind of information with someone other than his wife."
OK - although I think the discussions have centered around her situation more than anything.
BINGO... Of COURSE you want to get information from her.
The key is how to do it without her recognizing it...
The answer is to let HER talk about herself and what is going on with her. Most everybody likes to talk more about what is happening in there life than in really listening to your life.
Who wants the divorce in her situation?
If her husband wants the divorce, then it could very well be that she IS seeking his advice.
This will be simple to analyze because if she really wants to stay married then we all know that the only thing she will want to talk about or have on her mind is how to get her husband back.
That is why you NEED to be the listener when you are with her. Confrontation usually doesn't work. First you need to find out the facts.
It is called LISTENING and being a friend. Let HER open up to you.
Again. IF she is NOT having an affair with your husband, then you will know because she will be talking about HER husband and how to get him back.
Let HER tell you or bring up that she is talking to your husband. Observe and soak up all the information.
I believe that your husband DOES have an interest in somebody. We need to find out what is really going on with HER marriage. If SHE is the one wanting out, then the evidence points to your husand and her having an affair. If HE is the one wanting out, then we need to find out if she is seeking out your husbands advice to help her. I have helped and talked to a lot of women that call me all the time when going through a man crisis. Sometimes at all hours of the day or night asking the Gooch "what do I do now? or should I call him? or what if he doesn't call me when I leave him alone?" and on and on and on... They get obsessed just as most do on here. I have found that women really want a man's advice when they are having problems with the man in their life.
You need to find out if that is her mindset and she is using your husband for advice. If she is, then she will also be seeking out YOU for advice and someone to talk to. You should certainly know what that is like right?
Be wise. Get the facts. This woman COULD be a good source.
Hi M25. I did not forsake you but my computer forsook me! Have it back for a few days, anyway, so maybe I can get caught up on what's going on.
So, I read the latest posts about your H's emotional ups & downs and about finding out that your friend was talking to him. Also read the good advice that you have received. This is what is my POV:
I was always one who believe in laying all the cards on the table (and still do about most things) but I have also learned that "confrontation" is usually not a good thing when it is between two females! We know what I'm talking about, don't we? I can almost promise you that it will not have a positive "lasting" outcome. I have learned that some things work out better if given the proper amount of time. However, as suggested, if you can get her to discuss her feeling about her M, etc., that may give you a better idea of what's going on.....I don't know. She may be a very good actress and just fill you with a bunch of "stuff". It depends on several things. You will have to be very strong and not give in to her asking "you" questions about your MR!! Again.....we know how it is when two women get together and start talking. Be careful!
So....let's get to the one who really matters here and that is your H. Regardless of wheather your friend started out turning to your H as a mentor in her M problems--and then ended up feeling emotionally connected to him or attracted to him sexually......the point is this: How does she make HIM feel? You see, we wives can get careless about our MR and do not continue to make our H's feel as admired or we don't stand in as much awe of him as we once did. Then here comes another woman that is turning to him with her problems. He feels needed. She makes him feel wise, maybe compliments him. Then his ego starts to inflate. He starts having emotional feelings for her. He is confused b/c he may not understand exactly what those feelings are.......or maybe he does know what they are but he doesn't want to admit it. Could be that it is all one-sided and it is all your H's feeling toward her--and she does not feel that way about him. However, that is just something you won't know before or maybe after talking to her. How well do you really know her? Could you tell if she was lying to you?
I felt bad for you when Puppy first asked about the possibility of OW and you just could not believe it since your H "told" you and you trusted him. My H and I always had that "trust" between us. I would never trust another human being as much as I did him or he use to me. But, I broke that trust. And.....like your H, I did not believe in that "sort of thing" either. But, it happened. It happened to me. I had an EA with OM over the Internet. How disgusting! But, people choose to get involved and if they don't watch themselves very carefully, their emotions will betray them and then they get all mixed up.....just like your H said he felt.
I suppose it is probably too late to advise you what to do about this weekend, but I hope you will not confront your friend about her talking to your H. I know from what all the people on the DB board has said that "snooping" is the worst thing you can start b/c then you tend to get obsessed with it and it hurts very badly.
Some people can do it and some can't.......but my advice to you is to act as if you don't know about any EA and just be the very best wife you can be. Tough assignment. Some will disagree with that advice, but what will you do if you ask your H and he has to admit it? Then he may think that he needs to move out of the house. Is that what you want? Will it push him close to her? These are things you must think about. What do you really want and what are you willing to put up with and how hard are you willing to work at the R? I'm not saying to live a lie.....as some may suggest that is what you would be doing. I'm saying that to act "as if".......just like you've been doing. I think you have done a great job. You have back away from your H when you needed to and continued to keep your PMA around him and act as if you've had a wake-up call.
Anyway, I'll check back with you to see what happened over the weekend. I wish you the best.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I talked to my H on the phone Friday afternoon and then went out to dinner with him Friday night. A lot more was going on with our friend than I knew. Her H is really being hateful and mean and is telling inappropriate things to their two teenage daughters. It came to a head on Mother's Day. Anyway I want go into all the details (he basically shared everything that's been happening)- he told her and she agreed that he is right where he didn't want to be - caught in the middle of the two of them and that she really needs to go get counseling. He told her he just needs to focus on our marriage right now. If she needs help with something of course we'll be there for her but he can't get caught up in the drama anymore. She agreed she told him that he needs to do that.
She and I did not go out tonight. I called to check on her - (the big house they just built a couple of yrs ago) went on the market today. She was exhausted because their family (H and 2Ds)had a several hour long "family talk" which basically was them ganging up on her. She still wants to save her marriage. I didn't confront her about anything because I truly believe now she just needed help. She told me she was praying for us. After all he's done to her she really wants her H back. When she's ready to talk more I plan on telling her about DB. She told me she has appts this week with both her pastor and a counselor.
My H and I talked for three hours Friday night. He told me that he does not want to be divorced. He actually said I guess I'm having a MLC because my life is 2/3 through and I just don't want to be unhappy for the last 1/3 of my life. We talked about what we both wanted our marriage to be in the future. His fear is that we fall into our old pattern of connecting physically and then falling back into the same old pattern with each other. I told him, I can't have that anymore either. I told him I know that there's no quick fix and it might take quite a bit of counseling but I'm committed to it. I felt the most connected to him that I've been in a long time.
Just a note - earlier in the week I'd mentioned to him that I was planning on visiting my brother's family with my friend C next month. He told me Friday night that that really bothered him. He said he knows he has no right to say anything but he thought the timing was bad when we are supposed to be working on our marriage. The best thing I ever did was just get on with living and go be with friends the past week or so. I really think it made an impression on him!
I know we have a long way to go. However, I feel that we're both on the same page now as far as committing to working on our marriage.
Hopeful but I think I made things worse today. When he got home from the lake he seemed to be in a mood today. Instead of just staying out of his way I pushed him - checking to make sure everything was OK.
I told him my conversation with our friend. Should of just left it there but said I didn't confront her because I really believe she just wanted help. But oh no I had to go and say had it continued then I would have. He said don't threaten me! Blew it!
So tonight he says I can't analysis his every move. It'll push him right out the door which he's right. I just can't stand these mood swings. We go from having such a connection Friday night to him being away and thinking again, coming home in a sullen mood and it seems like we're back to square one.
He had the nerve to tell me that he can't just turn off his emotions like I do. Really insulted by that. I feel like we don't have to be a slave to our emotions we can choose how we respond to them. I feel like he wallows in his and really thinks he feels things more than I do.
Uhh! It angers me because I feel like he's controlling everything which I guess he is. Just need to go back to my DB roots and just live my life. Keep myself surrounded by friends and work hard during the counseling sessions.
How do you deal with the 180 mood swings and changes in behavior from your H?
I don't have great advice, just want to say to give yourself a break, there is always tomorrow and remember that what we are trying to do here is be the pillars of sanity in the midst of INSANE circumstances. Please be kind to yourself.
