Yes, this is an active process. You are the only one who can do the work. Nothing is going to magically get better. If you aren't willing to do the hard work ahead of you then this isn't going to work.
Read the book. Set your goals. Remember that you cannot control anything but yourself. Make your goals about you and what you can do to improve yourself.
Think about this - are you the same person now that your H fell in love with? If you looked at yourself objectively, are you a person any man would want to have as a partner?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Orchid, I realize that my post above may come across as harsh. I hope you know that we are here to help you through this and I only want to help by making sure you have an honest understanding of what you're facing.
I was reading through goingtofixME's sitch and thought this post might help you right now:
Originally Posted By: goingtofixME
The weekend before my husband left we were talking and I finally figured out that maybe this whole time that he was trying to change and failing that I needed to change as well. I told him that I wanted to change. This shook him to the very core and you could see him struggling in his mind over this. He even went so far as to tell me that I had thrown something out there that he never contemplated. That maybe it was me that needed to change. The next day however, I was right back to my nagging. Telling him how he should feel and how I was right and what he felt was wrong. Not exactly changing my behavior was I? This cemented in his mind that he had to go. Me pleading, begging, and crying further cemented this. It was all about how he was making me feel. How he was hurting the kids. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt. This pushed him even further out the door. The times I have put my feelings aside and validated his. The times that I have looked outside of myself to see his hurt have all been the times that he has opened himself up a bit and left me confused. His very words have been, "I know I don't want to be with you right now." are a testament to this. I continued to prove to him that I haven't changed. I haven't listened to him tell me he needed space and to be away from me. I've tried to push my agenda on him and prove that I love him. All in the wrong ways. Typical me! I'm still having a difficult time believing that me detaching and not pursuing is what I need to do to make this relationship have any sort of possibility, but it is what I need to do to change and give him what he needs. The old adage about letting something go and if it's meant to be is true, but with a caveat. You have to let it go because it's the right thing to do for them and in order to love them you have to be able to be altruistic. It's going to hurt like hell and will bring you to your knees, but this selfless love is necessary if you ever want to be the person you are supposed to be and make the changes necessary in yourself.
I have to be honest and say I am so scared that I am going to change and it won't matter to him and my relationship with him will be over, but the truth of the matter is I need to change regardless of what it does in this relationship. I need to change to be that better me that will attract the right relationships in my life whatever they may be.
I am sad that it took the love of my life leaving me for me to finally understand so much about myself and my roles in all of my relationships in the past, but it is a necessary hurt and I thank him for having the strength to walk away. What he did was not easy even though I have told him over and over that he took the easy way out. Putting up with hurt for a very long time and not feeling that you have the right to hurt and finally being able to take a stand and realize that you deserve better is not easy. It has totally given me a new respect for my husband. I wish him nothing but happiness. He deserves it and I hope he finds it whatever it may be.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Yep you really have to get up and do. Nothing comes to those who wait. Once you start taking an active role things will start to get better.
There is no think there is only do or not..... Yoda said that in Star Wars but I'll bet it comes from somewhere else. Pick something that gets you out of the house and around some people or friends.
From what you have written so far this issue lies with your husband. Don't hold on to the blame and find things about yourself that you would like to be different!
PMA will come when you realize that you are helpless to control anything having to do with your husband. You can only control what you do and how you feel.
I wrote what pearl quoted before I found out my husband was with another woman, but what I wrote is still relevant. I do need to change. I was wrong about so many things in my relationship. I let past relationships determine how I was going to react in this one. I essentially pushed my husband away and into the arms of another woman. Now I can sit here and place blame, but in the end it still comes back to my husband chose to find his happiness elsewhere.
Now I can choose to remain the same and continue to get the same thing which is insanity or I can choose to change and grow. Where would society be if change and growth did not occur? We would all be swimming around in puddles of goo.
Change is one of the most difficult things in the world to do. Honestly, I do not believe my husband will change and be a better him. He got out of a bad relationship, but he isn't choosing to change the root cause of the perpetuation which is his life. He runs away and just ends up in another bad relationship never owning up to his mistakes and a lot of people are like that.
It took me 36 years to get to the point where I am that I can say that I can no longer be the person I have been. It only guarantees me future pain and I'm tired of hurting.
Find that PMA. It's there. You will live.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Day 3 of no contact with husband. I woke up in a panic this morning. He has left me and he really may not come back. I will have to deal with that fact for a long time to come.
I met a girl yesterday who was in her mid 20s and I remember being there.........thinking I was going to be living a wonderful life. I should be feeling excitement at starting a new job in a month and being in a new city. So what if H is not there. The 20 year old me would have jumped in with all her might. Now, I keep thinking, great I will have a career and come home to an empty house and no one to share anything. I will miss that.
But, I will have no memories of him there. I can just start over for awhile.....if he gives me that time......while he figures out what is going on with him. Wouldn't that be just the best case senario.
I keep thinking this morning, no other guy has ever stayed, once they decided to leave me.....why would H? I have not stayed with a guy once I have decided it was over. How is this going to be any different? They all want to be friends after......just like what H has said to me a week ago. Why does he want to be friends with me but not be married to me? Isn't marriage the ultimate friendship?
I feel like I am in some warped world where I am in this invisible war with him. Who will hold out the longest and not contact the other? I hate the NO CONTACT rule.
And I hate feeling like I am helpless.....like I am a victim. Life is hard. I really need to just suck it up and GAL!!
Thank you Pearlharbr, Kenn, and goingtofixME. I did not see/read your responses before my morning journalling entry. I am being obsessive over things I cannot control. Rereading that entry......well, lets just say, I want to be proud of myself and that was not inspiring at all.
Pearlharbr, No you are not being harsh. I need a kick in my pants to get me moving. I appreciate your candor and am going to implement your suggestions - as of today.
Kenn, it has always been a challege for me to DO! I have to change that. I have always wanted to change that, but never have. When I read don't think, just do.....it struck a cord. I cannot just lie back and wait for life to happen. I have to get myself out there. I am going to get out of the house today and do some of the many things I have been procrastinating! Then, I am going to go for a hike today. I have always loved to do that.....I am in upstate New York. It is a great opportunity.
GoingtofixME, I have taken alot of comfort in your story. I thank you for sharing your journey. I know there will be set backs, but it is a great opportunity to improve myself. PMA is so difficult to be consistent with. I do have times when I think, well, this has nothing to do with me....and I will just have to concentrate on becoming a better me. But, come morning or as I am going to sleep. I just want to wallow in self pity. A friend has suggested reading a book titled, Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. I am going to go to Barnes & Noble and spend some time just browsing after my hike this morning.
Thank you so much for the support. Today started out as something totally different than what I am going to make it be!
Starting is the first thing. I will be honest. I started off okay...well maybe not okay but... after 2 months I came here and am not sure whether coming here helped my PMA or not. Coming here, I saw people making progress and it gave me hope. That hope I think in some ways set me back. BUT... coming here also made me a better person. If I would have just walked on I would have never learned some of the things I have.
There is a ton of advice here from people. And good advice.
I will share an aspect of my life with you. A few months into my situation my daughter's spring break came up and I had promised to take her somewhere. We went to Disney because that is somewhere I had told her I would take her this year. It was hard. One minute I was having a blast and the next all sorts of thoughts were pouring through my head. It is tough to get up and go do it...no matter what it is. BUT I would not give up that trip with her for anything now. I am so glad I made my self get up and go.
Point is plan to do something and go do it. even if you are wishy washy on it. Plan Something with someone else even if that something else is the other person's interest..it will help. And in a few you will feel stronger and stronger.... then you can make decisions based on what you want.
It's tough but if you want inspritation look at other's posts. I'm poster child for undecided and disfunctional but check out threads like Kevin's and others. You can see the strength come back. That will help you stay the course but it all starts with getting up and doing it. Plan it and do it
Plus read the posts and pick a strategy that you can try.
Good luck and hang in there... you have people rooting for you!
by the way there is a link somewhere here on suggested books that will help. I have read several and they will help with any self esteem issues. You need to know that you are not the problem. You may have qualities that you can improve to have a stronger realtionship but YOU are not the whole problem. If you were then your husband would have left a long time ago. The little things just build up and then unfortunately different people deal with them in different ways.
There have been no issues in the M and I have really been trying to find out if I just missed everything or some small thing. How could I have not seen one thing? He was starting to get distant since about 2 months, but I knew we were moving for my job and he was having a hard time finding something he was comfortable with in that area. Every time I brought it up, he said he needed some time to figure it out. So, I gave him space. We both tend to need our space at times. I had an exam coming up and so was preoccupied with that for the last month or so. And so, I could have missed the signs then...
Then, it became he is confused with his life....and he doesn't know where he is going with his life....he doesn't want any more responsibility...he doesn't want the responsibility of a wife.....he just wants to be alone.
He has been struggling with figuring out what he wants to do with his career. All he said to me was that he feels confused and he doesn't think it would be fair to put me thru his confusion. Other than that.....I don't have a clue as to what happened. He says he will meet with me after some time....to talk....but, right now just cannot do that. It is too difficult. He cried while giving me the papers. 3 days after he gave me the papers he said he loved me more than anyone else in his whole life.
I guess there could be OW, but I think he is burnt out and has been carrying alot of burden these last 5 years or so. He has not taken a vacation of any sort for the last 5 years. I have been trying to get him to do that, but he kept saying "later". He has worked 6 days a week for the last 2 years.
I am really just not sure what is happening since he is not talking to me. I will just have to wait until he comes around to see me, I guess. I just don't know.
