Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there any hope or is the damage done

Mark,

Thanks for your continual insight and support; I really appreciate it......
Am trying to keep busy today, work.....
My mind wanders back to my H and his new life/OW but there is nothing that I can do; simply nothing.
All i can do is put this in the hands of God and try and be the best person that I can every day

Anyone elses experiences that are similar; I would to hear your story........we are all supporting each other through these nightmares.
I x

I,

My mind is constantly thinking about my wife and her new 'single lifestyle'. With all the new clothes and underwear, trim new figure and haircut it is literally ripping me apart every time I see her, or even think of her.

We know there is absolutely nothing we can do except keep the moral high ground and work for you and your daughter. I am now trying to rise above any of the rubbish that comes my way, it shows class and it also reflects on family members and friends now and in the long run. It also shows a degree of strength and confidence, traits I have been sadly lacking in the past.

I, as a lapsed catholic have started going back to church on a Sunday morning. I cried my eyes out the first time I went two weeks ago, as it was the church where we were married, and both our children were baptised and christened. It was really tough, but I have been again on alternate weeks and it gets easier. I am starting to appreciate it as a place of worship and comfort, and I am getting a great deal from the experience. I am by no means a devout christian but I will now attend church whenever I can. I am thinking about taking my children to church but I am not sure how to broach this one, especially as it would be seen as a sign of weekness by my wife seen through WAW eyes. She would not see the benefit of what it can bring to people young and old.

Mark x

i know what you mean about the wifes new hot look ripping you out inside - i feel the same.
heres what i wrote to her after she said we need to get moving on the divorce last night..

thanks for the chance to talk last night. I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes its best to cut the losses and move on. I respect that we all need to be happy and this is what will make you happy - you are happier without me than with me. As for my happiness, despite being completely heart broken, in a strange way this has been the best 2 months of my life. Spending more time with you and daughter, and finally letting you both know how much i love you and our family, is more than enough for me. I know it has no bearing on how you feel, but to me its important for you to know, for me to know, and someday 20 years down the road for daughter to know, that despite making lots of really bad mistakes, that i never gave up on us. I love you.

dondon,

Sorry things have been working out that way. If you still want to save your M, you've got to detach and stop pursuing.

Go back and read DB and DR. If you really want to save your M, it's never too late.

Thanks for your posts everyone; I guess i am just wanting to journal and vent........
Yesterday ended up being very upsetting; I find that every day at the moment has a new heartache, a new thing to deal with, a new incident of stress and strain.
My H is completely dark, there is no texting, no emailing, no calling, no one on one conversation.
I received a letter via email yesterday from my solicitor; it contained my H PROPOSALS for access arrangements over the next few days.
He was proposing 2.40pm (our d school home time) until 8.30pm Friday, then either 4 hours sat and sund or all day sat or all day sund.
I only received this letter Fri morn at about 10.30am and I had arranged for our D to see a friend after school. I wrote back declining the access on Fri but suggesting 10.30 am until 8pm on Sat.
He did not respond and arrived at her school at 2.40 as I did. he became verbally abusive in the carpark and when I expressed my confusion at him being there he told me that I had no right to speak to him that way; that he could see his daughter when he liked and he was refusing me access. He then stormed off; I felt very threatened.
He then took our D from school (he didnt tell me where or for how long). I let him take her because I didnt want her to be distressed and to see an altercation between us.
He then informed me through our solicitors that he was taking her overnight (at his sisters house, he didnt specify which one) and would not be returning her until 3pm today (Sat). I was furious, and appalled.
Ans apparently there is nothing that i can do to stop it legally.
he has taken our daughter against my consent and agreement in front of me and there is nothing I can do to stop it?
I have been told that until an access plan is in place we both have the same rights to our child. This is fair enough but surely it has to be with reciprocal agreement?
He is so full of rage and anger against me, I feel that he is so far away from the person that I knew and that i was married to. four months ago i thought that I was working on a marriage. I am now looking at someone who wants nothing to do with me, hates the very sight of me, has no concern for my health and welfare, has begum a new life with another woman.
Where do I go from here? I have woken up this morning with a huge hole in my heart.
he is making sure that I get NOTHING from him personally, absolutely nothing. His family are cut off from me, no contact. If I was dying he wouldn't know and certainly would not care.
Our neighbour, a top solicitor, spoke with me yesterday. He has an abrupt manner at the best of times but was extremely rude to me. Told me that I am what solicitors call a high maintenance client. He also said that I have made huge mistakes along the way and essentially the biggest one was that I shouldn't have married my H. It has been a non marriage anyway. That my H is telling me loud and clear that he has moved on by having a new GF.
This really hurt me. He told me to get real with my sitch and to sell our house and to move on.
The housing market is poor at the moment and I love my house. As far as I was concerned I was in a marriage, and i am indeed still married. It was real for me. Yes, we had strain and problems, alienation etc.
But it was my commitment and for me it was and still is for life.
i am so confused, my heart is like a gaping wound. I feel so abandoned and left behind,
My H's OW, do they crash and burn? They are proceeding under difficult circumstances. How can he be fully present to being in a relationship with her; is he that over our marriage that he can do that? Truly?
i guess i dont fully get it yet.........
I miss the man that i thought was my husband; he is nowhere to be seen.I know people change but this dramatically.
he truly hates me. he doesn't seem to hate himself at all; he seems to be delighted with himself that his new life is proceeding and that i have bee deleted from the equation.
I am a person with feelings, with a heart.
I hope you don't mind me rambling; I just feel so little hope....so much has happened over the last four months. So much deterioration.
He has lied so much to me, especially about the OW. But as ABBA says so wisely, it seems that the winner takes it all, the loser is standing small.
I believe now that it is only God that can change my husbands heart towards me. With the orders etc it seems to me that he not only will never come back but he now wants nothing to do with me. God has an awesome, impossible task in front of him.
MLC or WAS? What do you all think?
I x

Feeling a bit tired today; have a night in with my mum and D7;
early night will probably do me good.
Picked up D7 from H today, d eldest half sister (27) was there with H. First time that I have seen her since my H left at end of January. I felt so upset but held my dignity and respect. She was very cold to me..........indicative of the way that my H's family have turned against me.
Its so sad; they have been my family for ten years and now I do not exist.
I am grieving for my H, my M and my lost family......
Its so hard but I am keeping on going........

as weve said ad nauseum - you can only change you, not him. i know sometimes being mean is just testing you, and if you are mean back then he can justify in his mind why he left you. however, this situation appears way beyond that. why would you even want this person, anyway? it didnt sound like the marriage was that great anyway. maybe you are not in love with him, but in love with the concept of being in love and haveing a family, which didnt exist up to now, and from the way this loser sounds, could never exist in the future.

Am trying to change me, trying every day......
yes, the marriage had struggles and issues but it was my marriage.
Am I in love, its a difficult question to answer now I have to admit.......
What you have said is food for thought though....thanks for the advice dondon
I am definitely worth more than what he has put me and our D through, this I am certain about.
I have up and down times; times where I am strong and then weaker times....
I guess everyone does

I,

This is all still very raw and it feels like the pain will never go away. I still have more bad days than good and it now 5 months since the bomb dropped.

Your solicitor neighbour had no right to make a statement like that to you, it was totally uncalled for and I would have thought unethical.

I read somewhere all the time a spouse shows any kind of temperament it shows he is in turmoil, as soon as indifference is displayed look out, as that is the opposite of love.

What an awful thing for someone to say about your M. Its none of his business. You need to be documenting these incidents. Whe your H goes against the verbal agreements and takes your D without telling you where he is going, or when he is bringing her back, HE is not showing very responsible behavior. And especially when he is being verbally abusive! Document, document, document! If at all possible, get witnesses.

Shannon, I am not telling you to try to fight dirty, or to be as down low as your H, I am telling to to protect yourself. By documenting these things you can at least disprove some of what he says, or make his outrageous claims at least a little less credible.

It seems to me that you are dealing with a WAS and MLC. Two for one! As far as Im concerned, even the most "perfect" Ms have issues, and for someone to try to point out flaws in yours, or to tell you that you need to move on, is so wrong. Kind of like pointing out how terrible your M was, it made him feel better about his... Or maybe about the fact that he wasnt M at all!

Let him go down this road alone, it will hurt everyone involoved, him, you, your D, and the OW. You are absolutely right that they are proceeding under duress. They are forbidden right now, and its all new and exciting, once things get really ugly, or once they start to resolve I think that they will fall apart. Does this woman actually not have a problem being represented in court as the OW? If it comes up at all in court, can you refer to her by her full name? Lol. I cant imagine that she will stand for that, or that she wants to be the one being dragged through the mud. Maybe thats what she gets for being a homewrecker!