Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to this Community seeking advice

I think the move to buy her new tires was fine as long as you did not say anything about "why" you did it. She is not ready to hear the "I did it b/c I love you and the boys". If she says anything, just tell her that you "wanted' to do it.....that's all.

I appreciate you explaining about the counseling and the stigma that it would place on you as a leader. I understand more than you realize. Off base is the route to go! I believe it takes a brave person to seek help when they know they have a problem they can't seem to get a grip on. Sounds like you may be doing a lot better, however, would you know unless you are placed in that home/marriage atmosphere again? Maybe you can tell by the emotion or pressure boiling up inside of you....or by what sets you off.

I wish I could tell you what to do differently, but I don't know anything "better" at the moment. Does your W know you are in counseling? If so, what does she say about it or did she seem pleased or show no feelings at all?

If you had not told me about your temper, and just told me about her playing the games on the computer and sleeping with the kids......I would tell you she was in an EA!! That is exactly how I got mixed up in one. I had an EA with OM via Internet. It all started by playing games, being lonely, etc. She was probably doing that the entire time you were in Iraq as a way to entertain herself. Nothing wrong with that unless you get into those type where you have conversations with the other players. There is always somebody out there ready to "hit" on you. At first, I would click off and not play with those who tried to flirt, but then I met one that was very cleaver about it. He was cute and sweet and did not get vulgar. I was toast!

Anyway, I sure hope that she did not move 900 miles away just so she could have EA's over the computer. However, at one time.....I honestly was so screwed up in MLC that I considered leaving my H just to have "freedom" to do exactly that! People sure can mess themselves up......and their families.

I have not made you feel any better by what I've said and doesn't seem like I have since I've been posting. Maybe I'll get there one day. In the meantime, you keep working at what you are doing so you will be well and can be a great father to your boys. You do need to have some "life" outside of your job. I am not talking about dating or exposing yourself to places where you would be very tempted to leave with a woman.....but just doing things you enjoy. Try new things. Do something with friends. Make new friends. I feel silly telling you these things b/c I know that you realize all of this, but maybe just need a gentle reminder.

Take care, and I'll check on you later.

Sandi

JR,

The most helpful thing you can do is to read the WA posts. They have helped me to understand the WHY of my situation. Read and post to others.

Keep thinking of the butterfly wings. The more conversations and visits that are calm will only improve upon the softness in her voice.

My wife responded the next day about my buying her used tires for her car:

"Thank you but i have already taken care of it ..two days ago i was coming out of walmart and ran over something so i had to quickly go to a tire place and i used all the rest of my tax money and had new tires put on,....two of them had small slow leaks and then the one i ran over a sparp peice of metal and it slit the tire open so that is why i did all four so quickly..."

She signs her name at the end of her reply...

I think it is a baby step that she took the time to reply, saying "thank you" and signing her name at the end. She could have easily just said "I bought my own tires", or something similar. Anyway, I don't want to read too much into it, but my WAW's reply was positive, acknowledging my gesture.

Any other feedback or comment I could build upon?

Thanks.

JR09

Gosh its hard because you dont want to be pushy but you want to be seen as helpful. I like what you did with the tires. Perhaps you let her know that you enjoy helping her and the boys out anytime. something that lets her know your their to support her and the boys and yet not be in her face.

I also think that her parents would see the good in the jesture and may become good allies for you. The more they see your changes , maybe the more they will encourage W to think carefully of future. Soooo maybe there could be oppotuniites to use her family indirectly of course.

Thanks pollyanna.

Tonight was supposed to be my weekly phone call with my WAW. I decided to not call. I've been calling weekly without fail for the past 7 months of our 11 months separation. I thought I should do a 180 by not calling tonight to see what would happen.

Is this a good 180 move? Is this a way to be unpredictable? I've been calling weekly because my WAW asked me to do so after she left. I kept it up to show how consistent I am, trying to rebuild trust in her mind. But then, after 7 months of doing the same weekly calls, I thought maybe I was just doing the same thing repeatedly and became very predictable. So tonight, I decided to NOT call and wait and see...

Good move or bad? Thanks for any input...

JR09

I say its too close to call. Maybe call tomorrow and say how busy you were - after all you are out GALing.

Ask yourself this question:

Are the phone calls helping to improve the relationship? If so, don't stop.

If not, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, then take stock again. Wifey is wise, I like her idea. Maybe make it much shorter than normal because you are going out. Maybe call from a loud place that is fun??? Just food for thought.....

Lucky U that she is still talking to you. It has been over a year with no talking for me......

Wifey and Ready2Change,

Thanks for the encouragement. The phone calls are my only way to show my wife that I have made changes. With 900 miles separating us and only a visit every 3 months or so, I kept up with the weekly calls, since my WAW asked for it specifically.

I have to admit I noticed a big softening in my wife's tone of voice. It started very angry, to semi-angry to friendly, almost as if I was just on a business trip and we are just checking on each other. So the phone calls are positive overall. But I was wondering if I was just doing more of the same for the past 7 months. Anyway, your advice is very wise.

THANKS Pollyanna and Ready2Change...I hope this finds you well.

JR09

I am just thinking out loud here:

It sounds like the phone calls are working. Does she initiate any calls? My buddy talks about the cha-cha in relationships. I was getting strange vibes from one of the ladies I am dating. I was doing the bulk of the calling. I pulled back and waited for her to call. (IE gave her space to miss me). She called. I was out GAL. This is attractive......

You have the option to change the agreements any time. First in your actions, then in your words. Maybe calling more frequently, maybe less frequently, maybe on an unpredictable schedule. Maybe increase the duration, shorten the duration. Change the subject.....

THanks Ready2Change,

Very sound advice about the variety and frequency of the phone calls. I'll heed to your advice. I usually initiate 90% of all the calls. My WAW did call out of the blue twice a couple of months ago. I thought that was a first indeed.

I don't know if this counts as a "phone call" but my wife always makes sure our boys call me regularly even if I call them as well. Anyway. You are wise. THANKS AGAIN. I'm sorry to hear your spouse doesn't call you at all. You are a strong -willed person.

JR09