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Hi. I am brand new to this forum and this is the very first time I post something. I came on here to seek advice for anyone willing to give any.

I have now been separated from my WAW for 11 months. She has our 3 boys as well. I've been able to see the boys (ages 11, 10 and 6) 3 times for the past 11 months. I do call them regularly about 2-3 times a week.

My wife left after I had a serious anger outburst. I've had a few of those ever since I returned from Iraq 5 years ago. My wife encouraged me to seek counseling but I always told her I was ok, and due to the stigma of seeking counseling in the military, I never went. But her leaving 11 months ago was my real wake up call. I've been going to counseling ever since, every single week without fail for the past 11 months. Then I discovered this site and DB/DR back in FEB 09. I've been applying the principles avidly. I used to beg, pursue etc. But not anymore. for some reason, my wife still wants me to call once a week on a specific day/time. So I kept that.

Our conversations have been at first very harsh, mainly from her. But as time went on, she seems to have softened to the point when she even displayed her emotions on the phone, and even apologized for at times being harsh. I kept DBing, never reacted to hurtful words from her, ended the conversations first, DBing all the way. My WAW also filed for D last Jan 09. It's now mid May 09, and nothing has happened. she mentioned it twice over the phone but in passing, never asking me to do anything about it or calling me to actively pursue it.

So here I am, 11 months later after she left. I read the posts each day to motivate myself and stay focused. I still go to counseling, adopted a great big dog to soften the loneliness, picked up the guitar as a new hobby, became more sociable with the neighbors, just trying to take care of myself, not giving up, not giving up hope that someday my WAW will reconcile and return.

What else can I do? I have been doing the LRT only so much of it because I wanted to remain consistent with calling my wife weekly as she wanted it. I did call and left a voicemail to wish her a happy mother's day, and sent a small card previously to do the same. Is it too much? Maybe so. I'm not sure.

Thanks for any input on what I need to continue/discontinue. This site is a lifesaver. Thank you for all of you out there who don't give up and motivate me to do the same.

JR09

Hi - Just wanted to let you know someone is here. I think that you are doing fantastic and apparently being very patient. I dont have much time right now to help but will check back.

sometimes a WAS can tell just by tone of voice that you are still available.

are you seeing any baby steps at all from her other than the softening of conversations. why do you only see your kids rarely?

It sounds like the conversations have softened, so that's great! I'd say keep doing what's working. Keep a journal or use these posts for your journaling, for a record of what you try and how it works or backfires.

I know it's hard to be patient, and for 11 months you've been working on yourself. It may take a lot longer but if you believe in your M and feel you're making some progress, just keep it up!

Warm wishes and keep posting!

11 months! Wow! Congrats on being true to yourself. Continue the good fight!
Wishes for peace in your heart and mind!

Thank you for all of you who took the time to respond. Every reply counts however small in number they may be. Thanks again. Your kindness touches me greatly.

Pollyanna, I only get to see my sons about every 3 months because I am active duty military and my boys now live 900 miles away with my WAW and her parents. Not easy to get time off to travel regularly as often as I would like. You asked about baby steps. I'll mention a few instances if you don't mind.

My WAW left because of my anger outbursts. She obviously feared for her safety and our sons. Since then, we linked up halfway last Dec 08, and recently last March 09 so I can spend a week each time with the boys. It was great. My wife stayed with her brother while I reunited with our 3 sons. During our second linkup in March, I noticed that my wife didn't seem afraid to help me unload the boys' bags out of her car. She even helped me carry the bags in the hotel room and hung around a for a few minutes to check out the place. I thought that was a positive baby step for her to not be too afraid to be physically close to me since she left last June 08.

Another baby step was when one of my boys had his birthday during that last March 09 reunion with me. We celebrated that day with a family my wife and I are friends with. My son called my wife if she could come and she actually drove 2 hours in the snow to join us with that family for the birthday. When she arrived in the family's home, I was there with the boys while the family was out running an errand. I was surprised when my WAW actually walked in the house and sat down across from me as we briefly chatted before the family returned back. I think it was a good baby step. She even allowed me to take a picture of her and our boys together that evening. As she left to travel back to her brother's that night in the snow, I asked her if she could call me to make sure she arrived safely. I thought she wouldn't call back, but she did!

Because my wife lives right now with her parents I don't get to show her my changes, 180s other than through what I say over our weekly phone calls. I do my best to sound upbeat even if it hurts inside. I realize that 11 months is a long time but not as long as some people on this BB. I'm in for the long run and I won't stop til I really know I've done everything possible to reconcile with my WAW.

I have to add that one Sunday morning I called my wife and left a message on the voicemail. I just told her that I really understand why she left and that it must have taken a lot of courage to leave. I told her I applauded her decision to leave and seek safety and that she did the right thing for herself and the boys viewing the circumstances.

When my wife mentioned the divorce during our weekly phone calls, she did it twice. At one point she asked me if there was anything I wanted to add. I didn't react, so she switched topics. The second time, she told me that the divorce would be thrown out of the courts unless we do something about it. I didn't react either. She then switched topics as well. I wonder if she just was trying to probe me and see if I would react over the phone. But I really kept my cool both times. She knows I don't want a divorce. I know I was really ticked off when I got the papers end of Jan 09 and I said so over the phone. But since then, I DB'd well and kept my cool.

Anyway, long post indeed. Thanks for all who take the time to read this. Am I on the right track? Are my DB efforts paying off, or do I need to change the weekly phone calls? I don't know what else to do.

Blessings to all. Have a great day.

JR09

I think you are doing great. i understand your concern about your W not seeing your changes. She probably notices more than you think and that may be obvious in her softening attitude.

One suggestion i could make is, have you thought about anger management course. It sounds like you have agood understanding of what drove your W away but it would be mighty powerful to attend something like that. Your W would be impressed becasue you attended on your own and it may be informative to you regarding why you had outbursts. Anyway cant hurt and would be a good sign for W.

Maybe you could throw an extra call in now and again , or the next tiem your visiting , put feelers out and see if she would be interested in a date with you. She can only say no and then you could resume where you were.

i think you sound stable and focused. Well done you.

Pollyanna,

Thank you for all the advice. I hope you are well. I have taken the anger management classes. My anger outbursts all come from my PTSD from my time in Iraq. I've dealt with the PTSD at lenght through my weekly counseling for the past 11 months. I think I've made tremendous progress. Unfortunately a lot of military people come back with PTSD from Iraq. It affected me and definitely affected my family. It took for my wife to leave for me to wake up and deal with it. I'm glad I did.

Anyway, I'll try the extra phone call. I guess that counts as a 180, right? I've been doing the weekly call for 8 months now. Time to bring in a little change. You are wise. I sure wish I could invite my wife for a date, but how do you do it when we have 900 miles separating us physically? Any ideas, Pollyanna?

Thanks for your encouraging words. I hope you are doing well too.

JR09

jr,

The changes you are doing should be for you and not your wife. These are changes you need to make to function in successful relationships, period! If your wife sees them that is bonus. Focus more on changing because it's the right thing to do for YOU!

Congrats on the strides you have made so far!

Thanks, Goingtofixme. You are right. The key is doing it with or without the divorce. I have to refocus on that thought. Thanks again. I hope this finds you well in your own journey.

JR09

Hi jr - my life is crap and I dot think i am so wise, otherwise I would not be in this position.

900 miles diff..... i was thnking of maybe the next time you visit the kids , that you could try to geta few hours alone with her. Maybe you could be creative. How do you think she would feel , or how would you feel if you maybe sent her a gift. Could be something sgnificant to you both or smething humerous or something thoughtful. Nothing big. I know Dbing says not to do things like this but in your situation, how else can you connect.

I did hear a story on this board where a couple only had contact 5 times in 2 years and then reunited. Dont know why o how but maybe the distance and space healed whatever was wrong.

I am glad you have done the classes and I am sure she sees the changes in you. Baby steps.