Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New around here...

Sorry, posted too quickly. I was gonna say get a facial and mani/pedi while you are at it.

If you have to be friends with H at this time , please be clear eaxctly what you can handle. Have your boundaries marked out in your mind. In your shoes I wouldn't want to know what he got her as a present and I would bring that conversation to a quick end.

Thanks for the shouting! I didn't call H but I did text last night asking what the password for the computer network is (as I was trying to set up laptop and didn't know password). He text back and asked if I had nice weekend.

One thing I know I need to do more work on is my listening and communication. I had been doing better but noticed last week that I was interrupting and not really listening. So that is one goal.

I do find it hard to think about my own good points, I guess bc I have been feeling low and had my self esteem smashed bc of whats going on. I will work on this. So I will have a go: I think I am funny, friendly, supportive, looking better and better lately. ok a short list, but a start.

What I want that will make me better? I want to...
learn to communicate better
have more fun, be more spontaneous
not be as critical of myself/others/situations
not get angry over the little things that don't matter
stop complaining so much!
be more decisive (this is a hard one for me!)

I think I go between holding on too tightly to R and starting to let go. This week I def have been sucked back into holding on too tightly. Mostly I feel this is a reaction to H telling me about EA with OW and that he doesn't know what he will decide to do. bc since then I just keep thinking I need to know what he has decided and want to ask. I can see this reaction and I know I need to stop it. However, I want to know how he decides to handle the sitch bc I do not want to continue to be friendly with H if he decides to continue.

I do not HAVE to be friendly with H at this time. You are right, I don't want to know about the present, don't know why he felt he had to tell me this. Next time something like this happens I will say I don't wish to hear/discuss this and end it.

Thanks for the response I appreciate the support & wise words

Ok I have just been reading around on other posts and I think I am starting to get it again. I'm sure I had it before but lost it! Think actions not reactions.

I've been reading along... I think it's normal to go back and forth, but you're doing well! Keep taking care yourself - because working on you is all you have control over right now...!

Hey Hopeful,

I have been following your thread. Your situation is very much like mine (with the exception of my house fire!). I am thinking about you. I feel your pain.

Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? If so, you might want to check it out. I am able to receive six counseling sessions for free, and I had my second session today. The sessions are helping me to help me.

Hi judyc thanks for the support and comment Hope your doing ok following the fire. again I'll say scary!

I have an occupational health department but as I work for the health care system here and even in psychology/mental health(not a counselor tho) I work professionally with those that would be offered for counseling so don't feel comfortable with that.

I have looked into a couple local private counselors but still haven't decided to take the plunge yet. what type of counseling have you found helped?

Nothing new...
Not contacted H. Had great day at work. Even got some research done in the afternoon. And went to gym with friend after work. Joking around today and feeling a bit more like my 'old' self.

I have read some helpful posts lately and am starting to get my focus back.

Still want to call H and ask questions...but will not bc this will not work. That I know.

I have been invited to go out to a birthday night out with a friend of mine for someone I don't know. I will only know the one person but they said the more the merrier so I got invited. I have not done something like this in a long time and not had to put myself out there 'alone' in years. I feel like I should go have some drinks, have a good time, meet some new people, but it still scares me and makes me feel super anxious! So that's the plan.

Also making plans for sunday to meet a work friend + someone new, and trying a new kick boxing class friday evening, so there is my weekend almost filled up already.

My advice on this. Don't ask anything. I stupidly asked a lot of questions and actually got answers. Then I went on to ask for intimate details and also got some answers. Now I can not turn the pictures off in my head. As curious as you are to know, you really don't want to. It will cause you Sooooo much more pain to have actual facts. There is always the chance that what is happening isn't as bad as what you imagine but even so H will most likely not tell the truth anyway. So don't ask. Save yourself the heartache.




Wow is that good advice. It is actually just what I needed to hear today. We can only work on our half. When we focus on them we are stuck on their half that we can't change.





I have this same problem. I am trying to do it with WAS but also with everyone in my life. I am trying to stop talking and only say something when what I have to say is really important to the discussion. I find that half of what I say was just fluff and not really necessary. lol


Have you looked on Meetup.com? For me one problem was only having married/busy friends so I found some groups that I joined and have gone to a few meetings. I have found things I could do a couple days/nights a week if I have time. It was hard to go alone at first but then I got to know people and it is better. For

I have been practicing the listening thing with everyone too not just H. I feel it will only improve all of my relationships. and it gives me more chances to practice and work on it.

I had a quick look at meetup.com a while ago but there isnt nearly as much listed for the UK on there, especially my area as I am in a smaller town. I have about a month left til the bulk of my assignments are due for my grad classes so will be busy essay writing for the next 4 weeks. But when that is finished I will have another look at the site and see if there is anything close enough that I can travel to. I have moved a lot for H's job and most of my friends in the area work with H so I dont really have contact with them now. I'm glad you found it useful to go to these groups. I think I need to get out there too, its the only way things are going to get better for me.

I have to do a presentation tomorrow! I hope it goes well, I am getting anxious already.

Seems like you're having a good week and staying busy.

Good luck with your presentation... just breathe and picture the audience in their undies!