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This is tricky territory and I would take some time, take in the advice here and look for threads that talk about this kind of sitch. Maybe check out the affairs section.

I would not be quick to communicate with OW...I would look more for how to communicate with H. But, I'm not sure. I have an H who has rationalized having so many female "friends" that I think he was immersed in multiple EAs. I don't deal with that right now, I deal with what is in front of me. But, there are people who have successfully navigated these sitches and yours seems to be pretty fresh so wait a little and see what advice you get.

But, I think assuming anything is inadvisable.

Ok - I'm going to bring it up at our counseling session tonight.
But here's the question - when I see her this weekend do I say this:

Wuld it be alright to say something like. I know this has been a very difficult time for you and I know it's been helpful for you to talk to (my H) about things. We both certainly want to be supportive of you. I have noticed that the two of you have been spending a great deal of time together on the phone. As you know, we're struggling with our marriage as well. My concern is that sometimes when people rely on each other for long periods of time emotional attachments happen. I'm really trying to make my marriage work and I have to be honest with you I'm uncomfortable with the amount of time you and (my H) are spending on the phone together.

Do I go further and let her know that on Wednesday I know they had a long phone conversation and that evening it really impacted my H? (although I guess it's an assumption on my part) Also, I thought about saying - think of it this way. What if our roles were reversed. What if your H was spending a lot of time on the phone with me - wouldn't that make you uncomfortable?

Asked an answered, M. This conversation needs to take place with your HUSBAND, not the OW.

Have you read the book "NOT Just Friends" yet? It's by Shirley Glass, and it is THE definitive work on emotional affairs, which is what your husband and this woman appear to be having.

The problem with confronting OW/OM (well, one of MANY problems with it) is that most betrayed spouses will assume the OW/OM is dealing honorably, when -- by definition -- they are NOT. They are predators, pure and simple, and this woman is NO friend of your marriage, trust me on this one.

I'd suggest you treat her civilly, and no more. If she asks you if something is upsetting you, I would say "I think we both know what that is," and leave it at that.

Puppy

In my sitch, my ex bestfriend and my husband still to this day believe they were just being friends. To get them to understand that it was emotional affair will never happen. My ex bestfriend had it in her mind that she was helping my relationship at first because my husband was telling her he was thinking about killing himself. This was due to depression that he still has not gone and gotten counseling for and because of her probably never will. She was being "a friend". Well the fact that my husband felt that in our relationship he couldn't talk to me and he could talk to her, guess whose grass gets watered? I agree with Puppy. Confronting her won't change a thing and honestly I doubt confronting him will either. My husband thinks my ex bestfriend is the most awesome thing in the world right now. She gave up a friendship for him. How ego inspiring is that for someone who wants to feel like he is someone's night in shining armor? And in his mind they were nothing more than friends. If either one of them would check out a link on emotional affairs they would see how very devastating they can be.

I can't even believe it! The counselor's office just called and cancelled our appointment for tonight! I called my H and told him and he said can we just find someone else? Neither of us felt real great about our 1st session with her. So I've started the process to find a new counselor.

I told him we really need to talk. He suggested we have dinner together tonight. I'm going to talk about how much our friend has been relying on him and my concerns about the amount of time they're spending on the phone. I'll use the point that what if roles were reversed - how would you feel?

It's a little weird to me that after I talked to him on the phone yesterday about all the phone calls to X, I come home to have dinner made and he made small talk all evening, we watched TV together, but yet he goes down to the basement to sleep.

Any suggestions for how I discuss this with him? By the way, so far everyone who's responded so far (2 people)seems to think I shouldn't talk to her about it. We have plans to do something this weekend. My friends however (one of them a mutual friend) say I should share my concerns with her. I'm so confused!

M,

What would be your GOAL for such a conversation with her? What would you hope to accomplish?

Either this woman is having an inappropriate relationship with your husband, or she isn't. If she isn't, then such a confrontation will only make you look foolish and paranoid, and perhaps hurt your friendship with her. If she IS, she will lie about it, and everything that flows from her lips to you will be filled with deceit and tainted by her own agenda. Worse yet, you will USE at least some of the information to frame YOUR decision-making regarding your marriage.

Do you see what I mean??

Puppy

Ok. You're probably right. It probably at this point is innocent and she is really just relying on my husband because he is best friends with her husband and knows him the best. When I talked with her yesterday she said that she still wants to reconcile with her H and that she told my H that with God's help she believes any marriage can be saved.

But I still think I need to talk to him about it - would you agree?

Yes. So long as the purpose of your discussion is to let him know what YOU will and will not accept, and not to try to glean any truth from what HE says. That should always be done independently, if you feel like it would affect your strategy and decision-making.

For the record, I don't think their relationship is "innocent" at all, and you should treat it as such until proven otherwise.

I think you shouldn't talk to her, and you should talk to your H about it.

Follow Puppy's advice, he is extremely wise on DB'ing and EA busting - he's one of the success stories here, after being on the absolute brink of D.

Thanks song & Puppy. Just a little more guidance please. When you say what I will and will not accept. My expectation is that if this is innocent and he's being a helpful friend - that he will talk with me about it and let me know when he's talked with her.

I will not accept that they are talking and him hiding it because he thinks I'm afraid that something is going on. I'm also not OK with the amount of time they're are spending on the phone. I think he needs to encourage her to look for other areas of support.

????