And an update in the never-a-dull-moment saga that is The Puppies, copied and pasted from an e-mail I just sent to a friend:
Wow, where to begin? I told you about Friday night (wife and I ML after a nice night out together, just talking about stuff). Saturday, I had a great day. Still high on the afterbuzz of ML the night before, and I got to take the boys to the golf tournament. They had one golfer throw them two of his golf balls, and got to see Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods up close and in person, and just generally had a blast. It was HOT (the hottest day of the year, and not a cloud in the sky -- 94 probably?), and we still had S12's baseball game later, so I was really hesitant to wake him up early and traipse him around the golf course all day (we walked probably 5-6 miles, I would guess), but I ultimately decided that life is too short, that this was a once, maybe twice-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and so we went. We then had our baseball game later, and altho he was tired he played well, and we lost a close, GREAT game, 5-3 in NINE INNINGS (they usually only go 6 at the most). Sad to see the season end, but I felt like I coached a great game, and then I got those comments from W later that night via IM about what a good coach I was, and I was just feeling really great Saturday night.
So she IMs me: "Wanna do it again?", and we exchanged flirty texts for 30-45 minutes while we waited for S16 to get tired and go to bed, and then we ML again and talked some -- not much.
Yesterday I had flowers and a mylar Mother's Day balloon waiting for her when she got up (she asked "Where were you hiding these???" and I had hit them in my closet all night, with the flowers in a vase with water in there), and I made a nice pancakes and bacon and sausage breakfast. She seemed very different -- VERY appreciative, hugging me and thanking me for everything. We then had to drive two hours to her brother's house, and me and the kids gave her cards and gifts, and altho the drive was yucky it was a real nice day. She was very affectionate all day, sitting on my lap at her brother's house, and very touchy, and the girls kept shooting us -- and each other -- glances. They must think we're nuts -- because we are!!!!!!!
When we got home last night, I had an awful headache, from my sinuses straight them the back of my head to my neck, and it was so bad it made me nauseous. W was very caring, and kept asking me if she could get me anything, and shushing the boys and stuff. We both fell asleep on opposite couches, and awoke about 2:15am and went to bed together. We talked until after 5 this morning! Can't remember how it started, I think I had said the girls must think we're nuts, and she said "We ARE nuts," and we just started talking about what we're going to do.
She has been expressing doubts for about a week now of "What if we're throwing it all away?" and "What if we wake up one day and realize we threw it all away?" and such, and we talked more about that. About what a great friendship we have, and what a great family we have, and that it was just this "IT" (that's what we call our issue -- "The It") that we can never seem to get past. We talked openly and honestly about our fears, our fears that each of us would go back to the way we were before, and that our MARRIAGE would go back to the way it was before. She was (and has been recently) more introspective than I've ever heard her, and talked about her need to deal with her issues and her demons. She actually WANTS counseling. She asked, "Why is it that we can find thousands of dollars to pay people to help us get divorced, but we can't find hundreds for people to help us stay MARRIED?"
I just said "Ouch." -- and didn't have an answer for that.
We talked about our vision for our family, and it's a SHARED vision, of our want to have children and grandchildren around us. She talked about her fear that she has two sides -- "the good side and the dark, rebellious side" -- and how SHE DOESN'T LIKE THAT. That her dark side scares her, and how she doesn't like what she becomes and the restlessness she feels. She looks at this new circle of women that she's been hanging out with (all divorced, all wanting to go out and cruise guys), and says "That's not me. That's not what I want my daughters to see, and it's not what I want my future to be." She says she wants to learn how to CHANNEL this other side of her, WITHIN a healthy marriage. Her need for fun and spontanaeity and excitement.
Man, there's so much more. We ended up talking about finances, and how screwed up our spending and our priorities are, and how that's fully 50% of what we need to get a handle on, and we talked about we need to decide ONCE AND FOR ALL -- we're either committed or we're not -- and stop, frankly, F'ing around with our kids' heads.
We decided to have a family meeting this Saturday, with all FOUR kids, and not just a sit-down with the boys. We're going to talk about "you may have noticed that ....." and reassure them that we're recommitted to our marriage.
She wants to renew our vows, which i think is a great idea.
She has her wedding ring back on today, as do I.
My head is spinning, because WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE. Four or five times. And we never seem to be able to get past it. I talked to her about that I KNEW, intellectually, EXACTLY what i need to do (press on, call her on her bullshit, with humor and strength and not get all pouty and distant), and she was like "Yessss!!!", but that I had to WANT to do that, and her distance and unwillingness/inability? to meet MY needs always made me resentful and NOT want to. She said she understood, and said she would work on that, and reiterated that she wanted MCing in addition to ICing.
The bottom line is that neither one of us can seem to come up with a "preponderance of the evidence" that is weighty enough to justify ripping apart OUR lives, our own children's lives, and our shared future as a family.
TOUGHER THAN THE REST Bruce Springsteen
Well It's Saturday night you're all dressed up in blue I been watching you awhile maybe you been watching me too So somebody ran out left somebody's heart in a mess Well if you're looking for love honey I'm tougher than the rest
Some girls they want a handsome Dan or some good-lookin' Joe on their arm Some girls like a sweet-talkin' Romeo Well 'round here baby I learned you get what you can get So if you're rough enough for love honey I'm tougher than the rest
The road is dark and it's a thin thin line But I want you to know I'll walk it for you any time Maybe your other boyfriends couldn't pass the test Well if you're rough and ready for love honey I'm tougher than the rest
Well it ain't no secret I've been around a time or two Well I don't know baby maybe you've been around too Well there's another dance all you gotta do is say yes And if you're rough and ready for love honey I'm tougher than the rest If you're rough enough for love baby I'm tougher than the rest
Ah, so you are done playing at being DONE? I TOLD you you were nowhere near done.
Buy your W a new sex toy, I recommend the eroscillator. Assume that she is a sexual person, just sexually stifled by all her beliefs about what the right kind of sexuality is for a wife/mother. Have some hot dirty sex with her, and don't give her a lot of choice so that she can avoid responsibility and simply enjoy it. (No, this does not mean rape/coercion. It means being assertive, telling her what will happen, making it happen, without requiring a lot from her... Just do her. Well. And maybe use a blindfold and a couple of scarves.)
P.S. You have assumed this whole time that W does not enjoy sex. Why not assume the opposite for awhile -- it might get you a whole lot farther and is likely closer to the truth. Let her be a dirty girl.
Yeah, you called it alright. And I like your suggestions. The out-of- and especially in-bed dynamics of Friday and Saturday night would seem to prove the validity of your suggestions as well. Let's just say that you hit the theme right on the head.
I've learned a lot about women -- esp. women approaching 50 -- the past two years. I think my wife fits the pattern of needing some excitement and variety, but also needing a strong man to call her on her b.s.
And, don't worry about your kids. They are learning what it takes to be in a committed marriage...hard work, affection, humor,ups and downs, confusing times, and commitment...just to name a few. This is real life, folks.....not all rosey posie kiss kiss love love isn't life just perfect.
Oldtimer hits the nail on the head almost every time. If it's workin' don't break it. Keep er goin'.
I imagine the tons of prayers sent your way helped, too. I asked God to help you do/say the things your wife needed to hear, and for your wife to do/say the things you needed.
I imagine the tons of prayers sent your way helped, too. I asked God to help you do/say the things your wife needed to hear, and for your wife to do/say the things you needed.
I have absolutely ZERO doubt that people (including myself) praying for my situation is what caused it to move. I just didn't know you were one of them -- THANK YOU, WDID, that means more to me than you will ever know.
And I like your suggestions. The out-of- and especially in-bed dynamics of Friday and Saturday night would seem to prove the validity of your suggestions as well. Let's just say that you hit the theme right on the head. 
I love it!