Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

Hey Antlers,
Been following your thread. I'm going thru what you're going thru. I noticed in a previous thread, you're from Oklahoma? Antlers, OK? I'm in Tulsa. I have been standing myself for 6 months. Maybe we could meet up sometime?

Nah, I'm not in Antlers. Sorry you're going through this stuff also. Good luck to you, and all of us fighting for our marriages.

I've had the kids for 3 days, they'll go back tonight. It's been pretty good. My house has become the social hub of the neighborhood kids. They all hang out down here while playing with my kids. Our kids are enjoying it a lot.

I've thought a lot about the things my father-in-law said to me...much of the time there is so much anger on her part, cursing at me and talking down to me...and I honestly put forth effort to have compassion for her during these times. I am leaving her alone. I haven't called since April 30th, and I've only texted in response to her texts to me about the kids...and my responses are short and to the point. I'm only gonna show kindness and compassion...regardless.

I wish there was another way...but there's not. It hurts and it's hard...but I have to let go and turn her loose. I don't know what's gonna happen, but she did have many years of hurt. If there's ever gonna be any hope of reconciliation, it'll be up to her. I'm not gonna 'pressure' or 'force the issue'.

I'm gonna be the best father I can be, and continue to grow. I am so much a better person now than I used to be...I just wish it hadn't taken something like this to get me to pull my head out of my a$$.

My father-in-law says he loves me and continues to pray for us. That means a lot to me.

I learn a lot from reading other people's threads too, and the advice they are given from our sages here, and from others who are still suffering.

God bless.


antlers

antlers-

Sounds like you've gotten through the worst of it. You're on the right track, keep it up.




You and me both!

I hope I've gotten through the worst of it! Still don't know what's gonna happen. I am really doing the best I can.

Need help...I got an E-mail from her regarding our kids that said, "It really bothered me that you had them on Mother's
Day and didn't even offer for them to come over early in the day." I do feel like I need to respond apologetically. Here is the whole E-mail..."I know you're supposed to have the kids next weekend, but I would like to go to
my parents and take them. We would stay until Monday b/c it's Memorial Day
weekend. You have had them our birthday weekend, Mother's Day weekend, Memorial
Day weekend, Father's Day weekend, and Fourth of July. It's not fair for you to
have them every occasion. It really bothered me that you had them on Mother's
Day and didn't even offer for them to come over early in the day."

Could you guys help me respond to this, with kindness and understanding? Please?

It sounds like it bothers her that she isn't spending holidays with her kids. I haven't read your previous threads to understand the entire history, but can you share why you didn't offer for the kids to be with W on Mother's Day. It might help to formulate the email response.

But something along the lines of:

I'm sorry it didn't work out for the kids to spend time with you on Mother's Day. I'm sure I would have felt the same had the situation been reversed.

And then as far as Memorial Day, it depends on whether you can make that switch to accomodate her or not. If you can, that would be a nice gesture.. just let you know it's okay and keep it short. If you can't, just matter-of-factly let her know that won't work, but here's what you can do.

Why didn't I offer for the kids to be with her on Mother's Day? I don't know! It wasn't intentional. This whole thing has been such an emotional trainwreck, and I sometimes am not able to think clearly. I now wish that I had offered for them to be over there earlier on that day, or even let them spend the night with her...I just didn't think about it...and now I feel bad for it. She has so much anger, and wants no communication at all except regarding the kids. I'm not initiating any communication. I was just trying to make it through another couple of days. I'm missing stuff sometimes that I otherwise wouldn't be missing!

I'm going to let her take them on Memorial Day, I just haven't responded yet. I really need some help with this response! I should have been more thoughtful regarding Mother's Day, and I feel bad about it, and I want to make whatever amends that I can regarding that.

I want her to know that I'm sorry about that, and that she can have them for the Memorial Day weekend, and that we can work with each other regarding our kids whenever the need arises.

Please help me word an appropriate response! Thanks in advance!

Any other opinions please?

Antlers, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to think clearly. It's been physiologically proven that the mental abilities of someone who's spouse just left them are reduced for a while. My work suffered, and I was very forgetful. It'll get better with time.

Now, as for last weekend, why didn't she ASK you if she could have the kids on Mother's Day? Why is it on you to offer? Don't beat yourself up. This is classic WAW stuff. It's all about her and it's all your fault. She knew she wanted the kids on Mother's Day, and sure, under normal circumstances you'd have probably been proactively generous, but she left, she said horrible things to you, she's made it clear she wants nothing to do with you. But she expects YOU to OFFER things to her?



Don't let her get into your head like this Antlers. If she truly was done with you and wanted nothing to do with you, she wouldn't be playing this silly game of "I shouldn't have to ask, he should offer." If she's so great and empowered and content now, she wouldn't have even hesitated to ask you. This might even be an indication that your going dark has made her feel a little less powerful in your relationship, and she's not sure how to react.

Ok now, as for a response, you want to go for nice and pleasant, but matter of fact. Don't apologize or explain yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. I know you feel like you did, she's trying to manipulate you into feeling that way. My W is a MASTER at doing that to me, and I've really tried to take that power away from her. How about:

"I can understand you're disappointment about not being with the kids on Mother's Day. Please don't hesitate in the future to ask me to change our arrangement for special occassions like this. I will always work with you in good faith. As for Memorial Day, I'm totally fine with you keeping the kids for the weekend. Sounds like you've made nice plans, I hope you all have a good time!"

I love the response you came up with at the end of your post! Thank you!

I'm doing better with the mental slip-ups, especially at work. I'm really doing good at work. But I still mess up sometimes.

I thought about why she didn't ask after I got her E-mail. I would have surely let her have them if she had asked. Still wish I had come up with it on my own though! I do see your point.

I don't know, man. Maybe. I do appreciate you keeping up with my situation. thanks.

Nice, pleasant, and matter of fact is perfect. That's what I want.

Again...excellent response. This board, and the people here...even though many are hurt and distraught...is a blessing. Thanks again. I hope you are doing well.