Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--the saga

I hear you. I know it's my decision. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. At this point I don't think I have any shot at saving my marriage but if I did the affair would have to end. She did this and so far has not suffered but has made my daughter, myself and her family suffer. It is time for accountability and I will not be disrespected through my daughter by her. Had she not done this, I probably would have waited longer but I cannot at this point.

John__

If doing the right thing were easy, most of us would not be here in the first place. you are doing the right thing in your situation, i absolutely believe that. I wish I were in a position where I could do the same. being a stay at home mom, while great for my kids, has left me at a decided disadvantage in the financial arena. Oh well, DH will get all of my college loan bills if he decides to go through with a D, as Virginia supports job retraining for LBS.

Be at peace and lean into the Lord to get you through this.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

John says: "She did this and so far has not suffered but has made my daughter, myself and her family suffer. It is time for accountability and I will not be disrespected through my daughter by her."

DAMN SKIPPY! You're THERE.

Wishing you continued clarity, strength, and razor-sharp focus.

Lucky

Off we go, into the Wild Blue Yonder,
Climbing high into the sun.

There's the foe, zooming to meet our thunder,
At 'em boys, give 'er the gun!

We live in fame, or go down in flames,
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!

AFWAW,
I repeat one more time...are you secure with money and able to continue an acceptable lifestyle with you and your daughter when your W refuses to help, and she will. If not get that way quickly...are both of your names on the house? Did you use your VA entitlement? If so and her name is on the loan you may be able to get a streamline at a lower interest rate in your name only...depending on what kind of rate you originally got...now is not a good time to be forced into a sale with thousands in loss...something to think about

I wonder sometimes what is wrong with her and her attitiude...a mother, SNCO(close to retirement and E8/9 sounds possible), less than 5 years to retirement at 44ish yrs old, seems to not care who knows about it (and I agree with your gut...your CC probably has heard something and you and your W are going to be shocked on how many people know about her affairs, it is never a secret onbase and many people still live Core Values and the oath taken for SNCOs and are going to be very upset with her...for her to be so blatent about it to her co-workers is foolish. Not sure how familiar you are with the base emails but yes, they can retrive all of them, and I mean all of them. With her attitude I wonder sometimes if she is having an affair with her own CC as she seems to think that she will not get in trouble and he will protect her. The OM doesn't sound to smart either...did you look on global to confirm the name your daughter gave you from the computer game? Has she had a drinking problem before? I hesitate to even ask as I think this is just an easy out but has she had mental issues before, mid-life crisis, fear of turning 40, etc...FTR, if she starts comign up with BPD or other illness issues I would not be surprised although I would verify this myself.

The conversation with your daughter about her boyfriend was as inappropriate as it gets...tell you daughters counsler and get some advice on this...it could be time to consider supervised visits. Stress that you do not want any of the four OM around your daughter ever. If she balks at that you should immediately go for sole legal custody w/CS, and supervised visits...bottom line is no one, including your W knows anything about these OM, they could be some type of predators on young girls. All we know is they are already guilty of having an affair in violation of the UCMJ. Even if no proof can be found your CC can do alot with the "Good Order and Discipline" rule.

Exposure - do not give your wife any warning, do not tell her if she doesn't end the affair you will tell your/her CC. She already knows that and has repeatedly demonstrated that she doesn't care. I think you really let this go on to far with no consequence...if it continues much longer neither one of you will ever be able to repair the hurt that is going to happen. Do not let your pride prevent you from forgiving her but that doesn't mean you turn into a wuss either. Only you will know when it is over.

Talking to your CC is going to be emotional...try to organize you thoughts on paper. Tell him the truth, even if some of it is bad on you...you seem to be torn between your obligations as a SNCO, husband, and father. Normal...accept it. Protecting her from her own actions is not protecting her...do not expect this to be over instantly and for her to come running home to you crying and begging for forgiveness. Once the investigation starts you should make it clear that you do not want to talk to her about anything other than your daughter and you prefer that be done via email or text. Get your daughter a cellphone to talk to her mother. Tell your wife when she is ready to fix this marriage you are ready to talk...if she wants a divorce to talk to your lawyer (and by now you should have one).

What is your plan for when she comes to the house to chat, p/u daughter, p/u her stuff (box it for her to p/u, or have her do it while you and your daughter are out (decide on whats what beforehand or have your daughter go out with friends)

I have seen no contact orders given to mil/mil couples before...all visits had to have the Shirt with them...and it worked. He was in Iraq, came back, she had moved out with everything into a house with his friend that he had let stay prior to his deployment because he was divorcing...they worked togehter. Long story short...the "friend" was given a no contact order by the 1Sgt, they got caught and he got discharged. The couple are together for now (2 yrs +) and are doing well. I will also add that they spent alot of time with the church doing couple counseling at the beginning.

For now do nothing to work on the marriage...work on yourself. Take care of daughter, stay focused at work, do well at PT, meet all your suspenses, no alcohol!!!!! (what would you do if your daughter feel and got hurt while you were passed out drunk or to drunk to drive, this would ruin your custody case, and right now you are as close to guaranteed as anyone can be, do not screw it up!, this includes doing anything (angry phone calls) that could be considered domestic threats or violence. If you are that worried about what your W is telling your daughter (and you should be ) go get a court order for supervised visits until you both can calm down.

V/R,

If you have any questions ask now...there are some very smart, experienced people on this board...PDT. SMW, Lucky, etc

Yes, I think so.



Already tried it, I can afford it by myself at this point.



Me too, we'll see what happens I guess.



I looked and couldn't find it. I look again later.



She has been on anti-depressants for years now.


Absolutely correct, this was the straw that broke the camel's back for me!



I won't, although at this point I am seething w/ rage. I worked out super hard this morning and it did nothing, absolutely nothing to suppress my anger. I kept wondering if OM was in the gym watching me. I know he goes there, wffe has confirmed that to me.



I do too, but I wanted to believe that she was willing to try and make this work. I see now that she was only cake eating and trying to appease me so I would not do something vindictive. I'm pretty sure it's over at this point in time.



Ok, this made me laugh. My wife is probably the most angry person on the face of the planet and DON'T expect her to come home crying and begging for forgiveness ever!


She already has one and I won't be answering the home phone when it is her from now on and won't be available to talk w/ her.



D will be waiting outside the house from now on. I will box the rest of the stuff up and ask her if she wants it in an email.

I don't have any questions at this point. I am trying to calm down still and frankly having a difficult time in doing so. I still cannot believe my life has come to this. I cannot my wife did this to us.

I was too, dude. Completely understandable. Remember, "courage" doesn't mean that you're not afraid of stuff. It means that you're willing to PRESS ON even WHEN you're completely scared out of your mind, and do the right thing anyway.

Puppy

Keep steady, John.

You are filled with so much emotion right now, I'm afraid that you'll lose your cool or cave the next time she comes around. Since you are backing way off, she'll likely start sniffing around more now. She might start acting desperate because she will now be afraid of your next move.

Avoid her at all costs!

Be stealthy, swift, and deliberate.

Lucky

John,
You are right to be scared...if you were not I would question your motive. Keep reading PDT last post...print it and stick in in your wallet.

Why is your W on AD for years?

Has she followed her dr's advice on aftercare? Identified any changes in emotions and told them to consider adjusting the medication...this does not justify her actions though.


Ok, this made me laugh. My wife is probably the most angry person on the face of the planet and DON'T expect her to come home crying and begging for forgiveness ever!

Glad you got a chuckle...I just wonder how smug she will be when her CC is notified...I have seen grown men crying and begging for another chance...until exposure they thought they were studs, I still chuckle when I think of a MSgt that thought he was untouchable...he was crying so hard slobber was running down his chin, and vowing to go to church, take care of his kids and wife, volunteer, anything the CC wanted to let him stay in and finish his 20. The OW (a SSgt) dropped him like a rock. You just never know...

Good call on having your daughter ready and her stuff packed...saves you the heartaches. You must stay calm and not get in trouble or a rep as a stalker. For now your reason to exist is to shield your little girl...good job with PT but, can you go workout somewhere else that doesn't trigger you so much for a few weeks? Hit the running track and do your P90X stuff...or listen to music and walk!

You are doing well and the right thing...listen to Lucky and just avoid her until you do not feel the rage.

V/R

Ok, that's good, right?



For anger and depression--she has never followed up, she cannot function w/o them though.



I have a feeling this will be the only chuckle I get all week. My wife is the coolest customer in the world, knows how to work work the system and as far as I can tell an accomplished, articulate lier so if she broke down, I would be surprised.



No worries, I'm a big talker--I just have a lot of nervous energy at this point. So weird. I'm not going to avoid the gym--I have to work out, it's the only outlet I right now to get rid of my aggression. I have just as much or more right to be there as I have served honorably and am not an adulterer or fraternizer.



Thanks very much. I appreciate your time and advice.