Livin, I know what you mean. My xh left and his best friend and his wife along with others tried to talk to him and tell him not to throw away 20 years but he wouldnt listen. A few months later the same best friend left his wife of 25 years! My xh trashed him for it, said he was making a huge mistake and everything. It was actually comicial. Everyone was like, what do you mean, you did the same thing. My xh would say no I didnt, I didnt cheat before I moved out.lol I dont believe this, but if he didnt, he still cheated before divorce. It's funny how they rationalize what they do. It really is. Of course though, xh's boss is the one that got left. She was married to xh's best friend. Is it contagious or what?
Livin, I know what you mean. My xh left and his best friend and his wife along with others tried to talk to him and tell him not to throw away 20 years but he wouldnt listen. A few months later the same best friend left his wife of 25 years! My xh trashed him for it, said he was making a huge mistake and everything. It was actually comicial. Everyone was like, what do you mean, you did the same thing. My xh would say no I didnt, I didnt cheat before I moved out.lol I dont believe this, but if he didnt, he still cheated before divorce. It's funny how they rationalize what they do. It really is. Of course though, xh's boss is the one that got left. She was married to xh's best friend. Is it contagious or what?
Livin, I know what you mean. My xh left and his best friend and his wife along with others tried to talk to him and tell him not to throw away 20 years but he wouldnt listen. A few months later the same best friend left his wife of 25 years! My xh trashed him for it, said he was making a huge mistake and everything. It was actually comicial. Everyone was like, what do you mean, you did the same thing. My xh would say no I didnt, I didnt cheat before I moved out.lol I dont believe this, but if he didnt, he still cheated before divorce. It's funny how they rationalize what they do. It really is. Of course though, xh's boss is the one that got left. She was married to xh's best friend. Is it contagious or what?
Renee, sorry your here, I haven't posted in a couple of years but your question is a good one, I'm with the rest of the group, the prospect for seeing him come back to the man you knew and be made whole after what he's done is slim, it does happen rarely I have seen it in real life, but the damage done takes a toll, me and my ex have been separated for about five years now, Divorced for for 3 and a half, she married the dirt bag she had the affair with, I've known her for thirty years, and I watched her turn into someone I had never met, she was very moral, her favorite saying was you always have to do the right thing regardless, and she did, she was very classy, extremely smart, she left me for a guy who has been in prison three times for drugs,had been a life long junkie Meth user, robbed and stole to support his habit, has a sixth grade education was his prison evaluation, has since been diagnosed with Hepatitis from the drug use, is now having mental problems, manic depression and Obsessive compulsive disorder, and has an 8 dollar an hour job, when he keeps one, about three years ago she sent me an e-mail calling me and accusing me of everything under the sun, absolute insanity, I never responded and haven't heard from her until a few weeks ago, she forwarded me some financial stuff she had received.
Her dad who was also one of the finest men I ever knew growing up,very religious, helped lots of people good businessman gave back to the community,fantastic father and husband, well he had the big MLC and my ex is the one who found out, she called the OW and ripped her but good, then called her dad and let him have it and called her mom told her, it was horrible, her mom got cancer and died a couple of years later, her dad came to see her before she died she was living with us, he was nice but never apologized to her, he married the other woman and moved across the country, he died of cancer of a few weeks ago, and this is where it gets interesting, I guess on his deathbed he finally expressed a lot of remorse and wished he had never left, and regrets everything and hopes to be reunited in heaven with my ex's mom, very sad.
After his death my ex put his obituary in the local paper, she wrote it as if her mom and dad had never Divorced, and left out his new wife, it a was very Rosie picture, his new wife who lives many states away read it on line and sent her own obituary to the paper and basically said a lot of very hurtful things aimed at my ex, now the friends and family on both sides are having a full blown fight on the newspaper website, and my ex is taking the moral high ground against the affair and the regrets her dad expressed before his passing, which has caused a lot of our friends to ask the obvious, how can she take this position when she did the exact same thing to me and is showing no regret.
Me and my ex did exchange several e-mails, I told how sorry I was to hear about her dad, before he died, and wished her well and she wished me well, I passed her a couple of days ago and she waved for the first time in almost four years, shes been driving a pickup with really loud pipes and her license plate said outlaw, in the last couple of weeks she bought a small car and I think she may be finally starting to come out of the tunnel some, but its been over five years since this started and she's still married to the dirt bag and i think will probably remain so, so the moral is you haft to let them go, this is a long ride, and there's no way to change their mind, only they can do that and they usually don't, so take care of you there's a life out there waiting just for you, if and when he decides to come around more to his old self is his time line and it can take a very long time. Take Care. Livin
That is quite a story, one that I can really relate to in a couple of different ways. You might think I am sick, but I find it comical that your XFIL on his deathbed expressed remorse for what he did and hopes that he and his XW will be reunited in Heaven! LOL Well, that certainly is an arrogant prosumption, thinking he is going to Heaven to begin with and not being able to apologize to his XW on her deathbed a couple of years prior to that. No sir, what you have there is a guy scared to go to Hell and he is trying to make amends "half-heartly" I might add before he joins the ranks in the infernal regions. He is no more sorry about that than the man on the moon. Selfish to the very end is what he was, thinking only of himself. If he truly felt that way, he would have made things right with that poor woman before she died. Anyway, I hope someone packed a lot of big time sunblock for that old boy, he is probably needing it about right now.
That is quite a story, one that I can really relate to in a couple of different ways. You might think I am sick, but I find it comical that your XFIL on his deathbed expressed remorse for what he did and hopes that he and his XW will be reunited in Heaven! LOL Well, that certainly is an arrogant prosumption, thinking he is going to Heaven to begin with and not being able to apologize to his XW on her deathbed a couple of years prior to that. No sir, what you have there is a guy scared to go to Hell and he is trying to make amends "half-heartly" I might add before he joins the ranks in the infernal regions. He is no more sorry about that than the man on the moon. Selfish to the very end is what he was, thinking only of himself. If he truly felt that way, he would have made things right with that poor woman before she died. Anyway, I hope someone packed a lot of big time sunblock for that old boy, he is probably needing it about right now.
BH, How do you know for sure how he felt?? Some things are better left unsaid.
Hmmm. I wouldn't see it as running from him at all. I would see it as starting in a new place just for YOU. But, if you are determined to stay, I guess that's what's best.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
What you have to understand is that your xh is with ow now and his behavior will reflect this. Don't feel sorry for him and don't feel like you need to save him. He may not be the man you knew but he knows what he is doing and is making the choice to act like a fool(of course he doesn't see it that way). Everyone around him sees it and eventually he will see it too. It will take a long time. It took my xh 5 yrs.(with 2 yrs. of no contact with 2 of his children) to figure out that they wanted nothing to do with his ow/now w and that he couldn't force her upon them. That is, if he has figured it out yet. I rarely post, but I see you obsessing and analyzing. Trust me, it makes no difference to him, it makes no difference in the situation. So why waste your time. I agree with the other posters....don't listen to anyone that wants to tell you about him. They are not friends. I found this out the hard way. I only say these things to you because I analyzed my xh. Looking back, I am sorry that I wasted so much precious time thinking about him. One other thing, someone else said why would you want to be his friend. I agree. You can be civil without being a friend. These mlcers/wahs don't know the meaning of being a friend. It is all one-sided. They suck you dry. They would be in it out of selfish reasons. My feeling is that a friend would apologize for treating you so poorly. Again, you can be kind without being a friend.
With regard to the fil saying he was sorry on his deathbed....I tend to agree with BH. I can understand him not apologizing to xw on her deathbed. She died only 2 yrs. after he left. He was still in his fog. But he had plenty of opportunity to tell someone about his regrets from then to the time of his death. Something like that doesn't just hit you on your deathbed. If he truly had regrets, wouldn't he have been thinking about them before? I don't presume to understand his thoughts and he may have said something before, but it just doesn't sound sincere to me. I don't understand why people keep their feelings inside and are so afraid to apologize. Isn't it better to get it out there and move on? Is it that they feel they don't have anything to apologize for or that they don't want to admit their failings?
I hate to see you agonizing over your xh's life. You have a life that needs attention too.
