Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there any hope or is the damage done

Thanks for this.......
I feel that happiness is possible in my life if I make it happen.
To think that it could be with my H seems impossible now........the question is when people decide to stand for their marriage at which point do you see and admit that your H's actions seem to be giving you little reason for hope.
I am trying hard to get on with my life and to look after my D7; my H, since the interim barring order hasnt even rung her to see how she is.
He is with OW and they have begum what is a new life with each other; he has moved into her house, but he is paying her; she is an employee.......I think its sick really.
I look at my D and I cant for the life of me understand how a man could do this to his family.
He said that he wanted out, his marriage is over and he has moved on.......after 4 months?
He is now not emailing me; all arrangements re our daughter is now done through solicitors; he wants nothing to do with me and is sticking to it; no contact.
I am a good person who is loving; a good mother and a good friend
so I simply dont understand why he is doing it with no guilt. Validation from OW? Has he found new happiness?
Could someone give me some feedback? I know I sound like a broken record!

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is change. Sometimes one person grows and the other doesn't. Sometimes the other wants to but can't or is afraid to. It is sometimes easier not to try for some. I have since learned that if I don't try I know the outcome unless something accidental happens. If I do try, there is a 50/50 chance it could go either way. Some people are afraid of the uncertainty of it all and refuse to try. This way there is no disappoinment. No hopes are broken. All this does is keep someone down. You have to have hopes and dreams, but you also have to be doing things to attain them. Believing that they will get handed to you will not make you appreciate having them. Hard work is necessary. Kind of like our marriages. While everything was going fine we didn't change things about us that were detrimental to our relationships. It was only when we had the choice taken away from us and we had to change have we put in hard work. Hope this makes sense?

Thanks for the post; not quite sure what you mean though? Sorry!
I know that hard work is necessary; yes, there have been times in our marriage when I have put my work first etc.
But I have been committed to my marriage.
Yes, i have made monumental changes since my H walked, and I am becoming a better person, day by day, because of these changes.
But in the end, he has a right to choose not to see them or not. Or if he does he has a right to choose whether they affect/concern him or not.
I know that I could have done some things better but he has shown his lack of commitment at the end of the day.

I was referring to your spouse. Even when we change all the things about us that they believe to be wrong with us. It's possible they won't or can't change themselves. If they don't change then you end up right back to where you started. For a relationship to have problems you have to have two people doing things the wrong way. One is acting and the other is reacting. If one person changes how they act and the other doesn't change how they react you get status quo. Both have to change to get anywhere.

I agree that I have my faults. I agree that he can choose to see or not to see. I agree he did show a lack of commitment. I can't change him or what he chooses to see.

In the end, all we can change are ourselves and hope that they realize the need for them to change as well.

I still say that classes on relationships, communication, and the differences between the sexes should be taught in school. It would definitely cut down on the divorce rate and probably cut the rates of STD's as well.

Hi innishannon, I wish that things were easier for you. I know that its tough right now. Have you been saving the emails that he has sent you? I know that he hasnt contacted you lately, but I think that its important to save things like that.

You will always have hope. Maybe not a H, but You will always know that you have done the right thing, and you did not cause the end of your M, You fought as hard as you could. And that is so important to remember.

Can he continue this process if you refuse to participate? I told my H that D was too big of a deal to make a decision while he was obviously making poor decisions, such as seeing a M OW! It ended up resulting in a purgatory that Im not sure how will end, but its my M too,and I didnt want it to end. So I wasnt going to participate.

I can almost tell you with 100% certainty that their A will fail, they almost always do. You have to decide where to be when that happens. Maybe you will have come so far for yourself that you dont want the cruel, unfaithful, louse back... after all, you certainly do deserve better.

I saw once on here that the best revenge for a woman who steals another womans H is to let her have him.

dear blue rain,
thank you so much for your post; you articulated so much of what I feel so clearly.......
hope is a difficult thing to qualify; I have always been an optimistic person and have, to quote Emily Dickinson (the focus of my PHD), "to dwell in possibility". I have felt it to be a crucial aspect of my life in so many different ways.
I have fought so hard for this marriage. there have been lots of times over the last five years that I have felt disillusioned and lonely, times that I have truly questioned whether my H is indeed the right man for me. But its funny, something has always made me hang in there at the end of the day; made me honour my vow and remain faithful.
Never did I truly realise how much my M has meant to me until he left.
that said his behaviour has been truly extraordinary. He has lied, cheated, betrayed.
As for the OW, the fact that she knows both myself and our D makes it even sicker.

the best revenge for a woman who steals another womans H is to let her have him

Thats a great line!!!!!!! I would love to get to the place where I believed that! When I remind myself of the person that I married I feel real and utter grief but when I bring myself into the here and now and I look at reality I believe that my H and the OW are perfect for each other.

I have to see my H in court tomorrow and I am completely traumatised by the slurry that he will hurl at me in his defense:
that I am a scorned/spurned woman
that I am bitter, vicious and without shame
hat I am a neglectful and abusive mother
taht I am mentally unstable/unhinged
that I am a threat to our D
that I am suicidal

(these are all direct statements by my H about me to other people)

I am feeling intimidated by all of this legal wrangle.I never wanted my marriage to end, I have fought hard but he is without reason or care; just bull dozing through our lives in an attempt to reach this perceived nirvana?

Hi everyone,

I have court in a couple of hours where I meet my H face on in relation to a barring order application.
I have never had to do anything like this; but I have to for the sake of myself and my D.
I was talking with a friend of mine last night who is a family law solicitor. She has said that she has heard first hand of disgusting things that my H has been saying about me to mutual friends and work colleagues in the arts community where we live; he has been saying that I am sick in the head, that I want it all my way in life or no way at all and that I was simply impossible to deal with.
I am so hurt and frightened by this man......I simply do not understand how he is able to be so cruel and heartless about me and to my face.
At the end of the day I am the mother of his child and I am still legally his wife. I am foremostly though a human being with feelings.
If my H wanted to leave the M to be with OW that is one thing; it is devastating. But to have these slanderous things said about me, things that belittle my suffering and grief which he has caused single handedly, the suffering of my child through this. Well, how does someone do this to another persons life?
I have been told that because there has been n physical violence (yet) I am extremely unlikely to get the barring order today if I go through the full court proceedings.My advisors are suggesting I apply for a revoke of the application based on an underwriting by my H to stay away from the family home unless by prior invitation.
I want to feel safe in my own home. I want my D to be protected from my H crisis.......I cant explain his behaviour any other way.
He is a WAS, and he is annihilating my name and my care by his extreme action. I am grieving for the loss of my marriage and the husband and the men that I knew and loved, who has gone seemingly forever.
It seems as if he is possessed by something; he ha sdropped all sense of interest and responsibility. Can men really just jump so coldly from one life to another? Its frightening what they leave behind........

I don't really think anyone can truly drop love like it was never there, but possibly like a hot plate. Remember the old adage "there's a fine line between love and hate" this reminds me to let the plate cool. Since he's dropped it he needs to sense the temperature or tempermant to pick it back up.

As far as the order goes, I was the one on the receiving end of one. Imagine that two years later we just started having contact and were at each others houses. Bitterness was there and then it just cooled off and the friendship begins again.

Where this might lead, who knows. Do what you feel is for the best interest of yourself and D but consider it carefully and maybe even pray for guidance. Never out of spite, we have a way of convincing ourselves of almost anything.

cire

Dear Cire,
Thank you, I am so sorry to hear that you have been on the receiving end of these sorts of orders.
I have turned to God for guidance.........believe me this decision has been heartbreakingly difficult. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be served a summons.
On Gods word I have done this because I am scared and concerned for myself and my D......my husband is displaying behaviour that I dont understand.
I love your analogy of a hotplate........its so true. Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate......
I love my H but feel that I need to protect myself and move forward somehow assuming he has lost the run of himself and that he will not return.
Love is a choice and he has seemingly made that choice elsewhere.....

Hello innishannon,
Firstly, I wish you all the best at your hearing today, I cannot begin to think what it will be like.

I, like you have a WAS, in my case my wife and she is now involved in a PA. You are feeling the same pain I am, but trying to understand why our spouses do this and then rub salt into the wounds by trying to rubbish our names is so difficult to understand.

As has been said before, it is the WAS re-writing history to justify their actions. He probably does not mean anything he says just like my wife, but in the fog that they are in nothing seems to make sense.

You are doing everything you can now to protect your daughter and youself. Try to be strong and I hope everything goes well. There is great support here, I do not know where I would be without it.

Mark