Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Slowly getting better?? - WAW advice still needed.

Please excuse the hijack. This is for my daughter, AmyM.

Girl, get you a thread started or tell me where it is!



Signed,
Mama Sandi

Sandi: I saw in the alt that she's on a business trip apparently and looked like having fun! Just to update you, maybe she'll stop by here later. I hope so! BTW, feel free to comment on any of my sitch! Haven't heard from you in a while!

MB,
I am still in touch with my stepson yes. He might actually be moving back here again for next school year. The final decision has not been made yet however. Thanks for stopping by!!

So, today was MC day! W remembered and we drove over there (1.5 hrs). we chatted the whole way there. Mostly her complaining about the people she works with. We had some good discussions about work attitudes from some people in general. We had 2 hrs scheduled and were going to do 40min individually each and then 40 min together at the end. I went first and basically updated the C on our sitch since we last saw her (June 08, 2 weeks before W moved out!). Told her about the long email from W and her meds, that I am starting to see more of the old W since she stopped her meds and that W admits that she's been stressed and depressed because of them. Told her about working on myself and being happier now, that I now see lots of thing that I needed to change and I have changed them. Bottomline, I now make myself happy, but still have an emotional bond with W and I think she feels similar about me, basically it's the desire for physical intimacy that is not there on her side. I took about 45 min.

Then W went and then after about 50min, C comes out and asks me if it's ok for W to take another 10-15 min because W really "needs this". I say that's fine, she needs to use all the time she needs. C goes back in and calls me in for about 10 min at the end. She asks W to tell me what her mindset is and she tells me that her feelings still are not any different and she's still stressed about our sitch, so that it would not be a good idea to move back in because it would bring all the stress and pressure back. C asks me what I would like to achieve with the joint session and I say that I would like to rebuild a new and better R/M with W and that I think that would be best for our boys. That I am NOT happier without W but have just figured out that I can and need to make myself happy before I can be in a meaningful R/M. The C said that for that to be productive,we both need to be in the right mindset. She said that while I still have to deal with some things, W is in a lot more complicated sitch with her family and work and she will need to work through those before we can have a joint session where we can see if and how we could rebuild our R and M. W told her that she really felt free to open up about anything to her and that she would like to continue seeing her. C said that she would encourage her to come see her at least once a month, that that would be most productive. We left there with us saying we would talk about things and email her to set up the next appointment.

Later in the car, W says she talked to her about a lot of things that she went through and never really talked about to anybody and that she still needs to work through a lot of those, like her R with her parents for example. I asked her if she thought that the C could help her and she said: "I sure hope so!". She also apologized for taking up most of the time with the MC, but I said that she needs to take the time she needs and that's absolutely fine.

W and I spent the afternoon together walking around a mall around there and shopping a little bit. Had lunch. All in all, very relaxed and having fun, joking around.... As usual, it's like what's really wrong?? Well, basically, it's the lack of her desire for physical intimacy. There are so many aspects of a R, all of them seem to be there: great friends, same sense of humor, emotional connection, etc... but W seems to have no desire for physical intimacy. And I can understand why that makes living together very difficult and awkward. We also did plan some activities that we could do together in the next couple of weeks.

So, bottomline is that while there were no major breakthroughs, it seems like she's willing to work on things and that is a babystep in my mind. It's also clear that some of her past may be playing a role in our sitch. When I dropped myself off at the house I asked her if she wanted me to email the C to set up the next appointment and she responed that she would take care of that. I am a little nervous about that, as she forgets stuff often. But I think I need to just let that go and let her take the lead this time, I can always remind her if needed.

So there it is! That was my day!

Just remembered techguy's post about MC: the only goal you have with MC is to get her to go again. So we'll see if it was a success.

There you go!

I can't remember the details of your W's history... but do you think there are possibilities she had some really bad stuff in her childhood (i.e. molestation, etc...). It's possible she had repressed it all and now it's coming out... leading to lack of intimacy.

TG,

I think I have posted about this a while ago, but in light of your comment I'll post it again. Didn't really want to dwell on it, but I think you're right and it's relevant.

W is a rape victim. It happened about 18 yrs ago I think. She's never told the exact time, I just know where she was living at the time and that she was in college, and that's about 18 yrs ago, so early 90's.

I do think that that's one of the things that she was talking about when she said that C and her talked about stuff that she's never really talked about or worked through. It never seemed to affect our sex life tho. I guess it could play a role now, in this sitch tho. Earlier on in the sitch, I have asked her if she was interested in someone else and she's always maintained that there is noone else. That she just has no sexual desire period.

Any of my "regulars" still out there?? Or anybody else??

Hey Sam

Haven't forgotten you, been reading, just not posting.

I'm so glad to hear that MC went well, even if it was more for W than you or you plural. Sounds like she does need it. Has she scheduled the next appointment yet?

Just a comment on the lack of physical contact. In my sitch, I think I'm the one who doesn't want it. xBF and I have not discussed it but he did go in for a kiss a couple weeks back and I turned him aside. I just have no desire to kiss him and definitely not anything further. I'm not sure if that physical attraction will come back or not but it's definitely not on my agenda for quite some time. It's partly a trust issue, partly a residual disgust issue, partly a health issue, and partly a result of my low testosterone levels. Now the last thing I know how to fix and am working on that, but honestly I'm in no rush because I don't want the raging hormones to interfere with me figuring out what I want and if we can/will work things out. Maybe that's part of what's holding your W back. Generally speaking, women link sex with love and emotional intimacy much more than men do and it's hard to separate them.

Just my two cents.

pearl,

She has not scheduled a new appointment yet, as far as I know. During our last session, the MC said that she can now file insurance claims and said she would try and see if we could claim some of our costs. Turns out, our plan doesn't cover this kind of therapy, only from psychologists. The MC emailed me about that and I asked her if we could pay next time we come in. I also said that W said she would email her for a next appointment. MC said that was fine. When I had W on the phone yesterday, I told her all this and she said that that sounded good.

Thanks for the female perspective! Last summer our MC actually asked W if she felt emotionally connected to me and she said yes. Then the MC said that usually the desire for physical intimacy follows feeling emotionally connected. W also said around that time that she didn't really care to have sex ever again, she just didn't have any desire. Another thing she's said is that when we had sex, it felt like she was ML to her brother. To me, those things sound like she does feel emotionally connected to me, but somehow the desire for physical intimacy is not there and she does not know where it went or how to get it back. I think she thought the S would take the pressure off, by not being reminded of the lack of physical intimacy on a daily basis and then maybe it would return on its own. And the pressure did come off, but other pressures have now come into play, like financial ones that come with maintaining another household on her own. She's mentioned these things in her long email to me in Feb.



This sentence triggered a new understanding of what the MC was saying in our session that I did not catch onto right away. I think MC was saying exactly what you say here. That W is having a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings that need to be sorted and worked through before she can make an uninfluenced decision about what she really wants. Your perspective helped me see that much more clearly!

I have noticed that W is a lot more communicative with me the last month or so. As I said earlier, after our MC session, we made some tentative plans to do stuff together. Since then, she's asked if I still wanted to go see a movie with her this week and we're doing that tonight. We're going to a concert next Fri, which was planned for a while, but she's asked me to tell her the date again so she can put it in her agenda and not forget.

She also keeps making comments re her stopping the meds. Like after MC, we went to Barnes&Noble for coffee and she's reading some of the magazines, news from around the globe and other stuff in there. We walk out and she says: "I feel so out of touch with the world, it's like I have been in a cave for a couple of years!"

Sam:

Wow! Sounds like the meds could be a HUGE problem! Keep on, keepin' on! You're a great, steady effort!

FWIW, if it's a lack of physical desire, she should have her testosterone levels checked. This was my problem but I didn't know it because I had been that way for over a decade so it didn't occur to me that it should be any different. I know xBF was unsatisfied with the low frequency of ML but I just wasn't interested. With me it was because I was taking birth control pills. As soon as I stopped taking them my libido went way up. Of course this was during xBF's affair and I had to deal with that in addition to my new heightened level of desire so I went back on the bc pills to remove one element of the sitch.

Anyway, just tuck the info away until you get to a point where she's ready to reconnect with you.