Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--part 5

AFWAW,
I had this long reply out to you and erased it...you are doing well. Do not let your emotions control your actions without thinking it through...sometimes it is okay to get angry.

If your wife continues to put your daughter in the middle you need to talk to your wife.

Your daughter is old enough to know the truth and probably already knows more than you. She was with her while you were in Iraq.

If the affair is over then the reason your W comes back matters not...if it is still going on to include her seeing these OM daily at work you are going to continue to have problems.

If you can get evidence, expose.and end this affair you can get on to working on your marriage. I do not want to see you slip into the "status quo" and continue like this for months/years and turn down a stripe or a good civilian job in the hope that you will get back together.

I do not think it is time for divorce but there is nothing wrong for you to prepare yourself legally. No matter what the outcome is you can do no wrong in paying off as much joint debt as you can. If she is still paying bills you had and her apartment (unless OM is giving her money?) then she has to be using savings or credit cards. Again, hope for the best and prepare for the storm. Her moving out and leaving your daughter is not going to look good...make sure you journal the conversations...handwritten is best. Leave it at work in your desk or locker. Do not leave it at home for her to accidentally find.

...take care of your daughter and watch her close. She should not be in the position of asking her mother to come home. How is she doing at school? A drop in grades and loss of interest in after school activites will be a good indicator for you that she is getting overwhelmed. Take care

V/r

Hoop,
Thanks for your thoughts.

Ok, just got done with lunch and wife starts on the whole being alone attitude thing again. I asked if something was wrong as she was a little bit snappy. She says, I tried to reach out to you and you rushed me off the phone--oh crap. She said I don't think you want me back. I said why don't you ask me what I want? She said what do you want? I said I want you to come home but I don't want the same marriage we had before and I don't think you do either. She said she didn't either. I know this was bad to get into a relationship talk, I know but sometimes it happens. She said she's having a hard time believing things would be different. I told her that while her perspecitives and priorities have changed, mine have also. She asked me if I wanted her to come home and I said that I still did. She asked why I didn't respond more so to her this weekend when she called. I said I don't know, I was trying to give you your space. She said again, I'm thinking about it still. A lot of subtle things she said led me to believe that OM is not in the picture anymore--I WANT TO BELIEVE that he is gone. Lunch was ok. I didn't start a relationship talk and didn't intentionally get into one. I really think she thought I didn't want her home based on our brief phone conversations. I know this is against gucci's advice how I acted today. I think honesty is the key right now if I'm to succeed in getting her home. That and show her the changes that I've made in myself. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks...

My fingers are crossed for you!

My prayers are with you and your family

As are mine.

AFWAW,
My fingers are crossed...you are doing well. Do not think the OM is out of the picture yet. Why would he be? Your wife still has an apartment that he is free to visit whenever he wants. Do not get caught up in her guilt making you think it was your fault she did not rush home to you. if she wanted to she would have for no other reason than your daughter...I am sorry but something is still going on even if it is her just hoping he (OM) will call/visit/divorce etc. Again, you need to expose (with proof), end the affair, and work on your relationship. Great if she comes back (if affair is over, if they are still "buds" and talking/working out it is not over), regardless of the reason, at least that way you will always know you tried your best for yourself and your daughter.

You are correct about this is situational and honesty is best.

What was so bad in your opinion and your W about your marriage before Iraq? Everyone has low points...anyone so naive to think that marriage is not work has not been married for very long. The military makes it more difulcult at times due to long duty hours and deployments but the deployment is not the root cause...many more make it and become stronger because of the seperation...grateful for what we have thought.

Do you go to church? Did you talk to the chaplin? Did your wife participate in Heart's Apart while you were gone? I think not...

Do not get caught up in the revenge mode...it will eat you up inside and again, PT, self improvement, no alcohol.

Hope you get the stripe!

V/r,

I think it's over for now--call it a feeling, the way she's talking now, the way she's acting, I don't know. The fact that she wants my D every weekend. She may still be in contact w/ OM, I don't know.



From my standpoint about me(since I can only fix me), I didn't cherish my wife the way I should have. I took her for granted(big mistake), didn't pay attention to her, got annoyed at her very easily. Additionally, I didn't take care of me which made it easier not to take care of her. I recognize this now--I ate too much, drank too much, watched too much tv all of which made me a fatass 205lbs(I'm at 175 lbs now) who had no motivation and/or energy to love me wife the way she needed to be loved.

We used to go to church on a regular basis at our last duty station. For some reason here, we have had difficulty finding a church that meets our needs.

Bottom line, right now, I feel like my wife is wrestling with the idea of coming home and I don't blame her for thinking that I would revert to the old me. She wants to be cherished and treated like a woman. I want to do these things so badly now that I ache. I really hope and pray that I get this opportunity.



I won't and I think exposure right now would be a very unwise decision since she in right on the fence and hopefully wobbling my way.

She did tell me she loved me today. I really hope that she loves me enough to come home and work on us.

I am prepared legally. She is still paying all the bills and her apartment. Funny you should mentiont that, she talked about that again today.

I also don't think this is a time for divorce. I think it's time for her to move back home.

Tread carefully here, AF. From your description of the conversation it sounds like she is back in the drivers seat. She is still questioning if YOU have changed and if YOU will be the same. It wasn't you that had the A, it wasn't you that 'forced' her into the arms of those OM. Don't accept any blame for that as that was all on her!

I'm praying for ya buddy, but I didn't hear a whole lot of anything in her last convo except that she expects YOU to have changed; to me that still sounds selfish and script for a WAW.

After rereading my post I could see where you could ascertain that. I ommitted something though. She did admit that she was getting her payback for spending money previously in the past as she had almost no money. She also that she took me for granted as well and wanted to change that as well.

I think the reason this started was that I opened the car door for her when we got done with lunch. She said, oh, what's this? When I got in the car, she put her hand over and felt my forehead. She asked if I was feeling ok. Hey, the small things do make a difference I guess. We'll see what the outcome is shortly and I really hope it is shortly as the weekends and nights are absolute hell for me at this point. And trust me, if she comes back, don't expect her to be making all the decisions again. Everything that I do will be approached much differently. I was a bit immature in my approach to everything we did and when I didn't get my way it was evident to her that I didn't like it by my attitude. I have a lot of new knowledge that I would LOVE to apply to my new relationship with my wife if she will JUST COME HOME!!!