readyforchange and naej when your h's walked out, did they walk out one day and never return. Did you have any contact at all. The reason I am asking is my xh decided to leave but for weeks we still were intimate, my decision mostly. He would take my calls even and told me he wanted to keep in touch until ow moved in with him.
Sunshine, yes my x returned a few times at first, just for lunch and sort out the house details he wanted it sold,he took me to view a few houses, but we were never intimate. He said he always wanted contact, but like you I hounded him until he said no contact was better for me. He said he had a new life and he hoped the children and I would have new lives too. It nearly destroyed me and very nearly cost me my life,so I truly know your pain. This man was in my world was my world from being 5 years of age. No contact was the only way I could even begin to heal. He was right. When my d nearly died in childbirth I contacted him-against her wishes I have to say and he was a stranger to me. Now I have forgiven him,I doubt my children ever will,but he was a good man and I had the best years of my life with him. I don't know how or what happened.I never will,but I no longer look for answers. I could not have been intimate when I knew he had OW. I will always love him and I would never see him destitute. I have made a life and I have fantastic kids and now a beautiful g/c. My life has many blessings and yours will too if you just stop looking for reasons and answers and live for you and your son. IMO men who leave long term "happy" marriages rarely return. Sorry thats all I can say.
Renee, Each and every poster that is on this board has had a spouse that had the switch flipped to the opposite personality. Some do walk away and never look back, some walk away, but aren't secure in leaving, so they waffle, had sex and continue to have a toe in both ponds, i.e., home and life out on the street. Others walk around confused, hoping that you will opt to divorce them because they don't want to look like the bad guys, etc. Some have absolutely no contact w/their children for many years and others will stay in touch w/one child and not the other. It all depends upon the person and their issues. But, the bottom line is this, your xh is not the first one to do this nor will he be the last.
This board has grown by leaps and bounds since I came here in January of 2000. Why? Most likely baby boomers are hitting that mid-life time and realize that life isn't as disposable as they thought. They need to hurry and run back in time to see if they actually did miss something along the way. What they missed was actually growing up, something we cannot assist them in doing. What you can do is take care of yourself and your family because your xh isn't going to be there to help you in any way. He's moved on to a new life that doesn't include you right now. I'm sorry, I really do not mean to be blunt, but you've allowed him and his future bride entirely too much space in your head and they aren't even tenants paying rent. Toss them out for a while, enjoy Mother's Day w/your son and nephew and thank the dear Lord that you are alive and able to spend quality time w/them.
When we first come to this board, we all thought our stories were unique and different from what we had begun to read, but the bottom line is this....they all have a copy of the script and almost take it word for word, i.e., like robots. What we all have had to do is work through the denial, anger and grief and find our balance some how. We have had to learn to be independent and be single again. We have had to learn to rely on no one but ourselves and God to get us through each and every day. It's going to be one minute at a time, one hour at a time and then one day at a time. As you progress, the time will increase and you will begin to enjoy life again.
Renee, each situation is different. Yes, some situations are very similiar but the key ingredient is issues. Please do not try to make any of the situations that you are reading "fit" your situation. It won't work. If and when your xh opts to contact you, you will need to find a way to not come across as needy. You will need to listen, validate and understand, he doesn't want to hear how hard you have it. If you start in on him about his future wife, what he's doing w/his life, what you think he should be doing or not doing, he will distance himself from you again. If you are attempting to have a decent relationship w/him, you are going to have to change the way you communicate w/him. You are going to have learn to speak to him just as you would a friend, mailman, delivery person...no expectations, no complaining unless he asks you about something. Just remember...YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER!
Renee, I strongly urge you to speak to your priest and/or minister about your situation. They are there to listen and be there for support. He may just very well be able to point you in the right direction for assistance. Do not be afraid to reach out to him. He is there to do God's work. Please allow God to do his work and stop grabbing the darn wheel back and driving to drive the bus. For you, there is no way around the pain and heartache...you have to walk through that wall of sorrow to get to the other side.
Try to have a pleasant Mother's Day w/your son and nephew.
naej and snodderly are spot on. Please listen to them. Try to get some help from either a therapist or clergyman. I was in counseling for 4 years. Snodderly is right, when we first come here we think our situation is different, our R is different, and our H is different. In reality, most are the same. My xh left and never looked back. He said he wanted to be friends (don't they all?) but I didn't need friends like him. I told him that if he wanted to be my friend, he would have to earn it. Needless to say, we are not friends. I never contacted the ow, don't even know what she looks like. To me she is insignificant. I loved my xh very much, but learned early on that I could not control him. I didn't want to control him. Have you heard the saying, if you love something, set it free? I wanted him to make his choices and live with them, good or bad. I like my life now and could never go back. It would have been nice to co-parent, but that was not to be. For a long time, I wanted answers and an apology. Never got them. I am finally at peace with not ever knowing. And even if xh is sorry for what he did, I am sure I will never know. He will not admit it. This seems to be the norm. It takes a strong person to admit a mistake. Personally I don't understand this, but I seem to be in the minority. For me, it would be a lot easier to admit a mistake and apologize than live with the guilt
Regarding your son: my children were 9, 13, 14 when he left. I tried very hard not to bad mouth their father in front of them. Sometimes I wasn't successful, but for the most part I bit my tongue. I never kept them from him or interfered with their R with their father. It was very hard. Eventually, 2 of them figured it all out. If my kids needed anything or didn't want to see their dad, I made them tell him. I did not speak for them. It is always more effective coming from the kids. Let xh say no to them. You should let son deal with his father on his own. If he needs something, he will ask.
Please think hard about the advice you get here. We have all been where you are and would like you to avoid some the heartache we experienced. Put your efforts into you and your son. I know it is hard to believe that your life can be full and wonderful without your xh, but it can be. I wish I never went through this, but I am excited about my future again. Is there something you always wanted to do but couldn't while you were married? Maybe you can do it now.
Snodderly I intend on treating my xh like a friend IF I ever get the chance to speak with him again. He hasnt contacted me in any way and I havent him. Honestly I dont know if he ever will, I can only hope. I do think when my xh left me he wasnt very sure of hisself. As time went on though, he became use to the new life he had. He did get upset once at me when I told him there had been someone else. He said he was hurt. Snodderly what I dont understand is, when I told him this and he got upset, the ow was already living with him. He also had some contact with me during this time. BUT after they broke up the second time and got back together, the contact stopped. I dont know what happened. It's like he was mad at her but took his anger out on me and he has been angry ever since. I know I will never have answers to some questions but you and others here have been here awhile and I thought maybe you could answer some things or at least give your opinions on it.
Readyforchange, my son will NOT ask his dad for anything. Ever since his dad left he tip toes around him. There is no way he will ask for anything in fear of making dad mad at him too. I think my son thinks if his dad gets mad at him, he will stop contact with him also. I feel so bad for my son. It's not fair.
Snodderly you had mentioned to BND to "sit quietly and be still". Would this apply to me also, even though we are divorced. I have been told in the past to stand still and let GOD work.
Yes, the "sit quietly and be still" would apply to you as well. This is good advice for any type of situation, not just here on the boards. When people are struggling for answers to questions as to why, how, what if, etc., the best thing you can do is sit quietly and be still. You are trying too, too hard to find answers to questions that none of us can answer for we aer not in your xh's head or know what transpired in his young life. He may not even be able to answer some of the questions either.
Renee, sitting quietly and being still do not mean that you not move on. It means to allow things to fall into your lap naturally and stop struggling to find answers. Sometimes, when you least expect it, the answers will appear out of no where. By doing what I have advised, as well as others, you can move along and put your focus elsewhere.
Put this situation back in God's hands and you work on something that you do have control over...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly I intend on treating my xh like a friend IF I ever get the chance to speak with him again. He hasnt contacted me in any way and I havent him. Honestly I dont know if he ever will, I can only hope. I do think when my xh left me he wasnt very sure of hisself. As time went on though, he became use to the new life he had. He did get upset once at me when I told him there had been someone else. He said he was hurt. Snodderly what I dont understand is, when I told him this and he got upset, the ow was already living with him. He also had some contact with me during this time. BUT after they broke up the second time and got back together, the contact stopped. I dont know what happened. It's like he was mad at her but took his anger out on me and he has been angry ever since. I know I will never have answers to some questions but you and others here have been here awhile and I thought maybe you could answer some things or at least give your opinions on it.
Readyforchange, my son will NOT ask his dad for anything. Ever since his dad left he tip toes around him. There is no way he will ask for anything in fear of making dad mad at him too. I think my son thinks if his dad gets mad at him, he will stop contact with him also. I feel so bad for my son. It's not fair.
Renee, its not fair, and its not going to be fair! In fact, its never fair! Life isn't fair, don't mean to sound so gloomy, but that's the fact. We just have to be able to accept it, deal with it, and rebuild your life.
Renee, its not fair, and its not going to be fair! In fact, its never fair! Life isn't fair, don't mean to sound so gloomy, but that's the fact. We just have to be able to accept it, deal with it, and rebuild your life.
But you don't have to lay down and die.....
You can have a new life, a different life now and make your own choices.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Renee, its not fair, and its not going to be fair! In fact, its never fair! Life isn't fair, don't mean to sound so gloomy, but that's the fact. We just have to be able to accept it, deal with it, and rebuild your life.
But you don't have to lay down and die.....
You can have a new life, a different life now and make your own choices.
