Sometimes the quiet in the house is so hard to get used to. I am getting better at it, but I am not used to being alone so much. It seems it sends my mind spinning off thinking and over thinking everything.
I am doing ok this week at not contacting H, although I still think about it all the time. H emailed me sunday night saying 'do I want this...' and attached an email. I replied today and said no its ok I don't need it and that I am sorry to hear he has been sick. I didn't expect anything back since I emailed his personal email not his work email. I still don't expect anything to come either. But it is ok.
I guess I keep thinking that I am going away Saturday for 2 weeks and 'normally' he would want to see me before I go although he has not mentioned or contacted this week. I am torn as to whether I would go along with this or not.
Work is going ok but I am not concentrating on it fully as I should be. I also find it incredibly hard to motivate myself to do anything. I have many things I need/want to get done before going away Sat but haven't even started. I think I am just going to write a 'to do' list and try to start working my way down it.
I'm still struggling with sleeping this week. I was doing better but the last 2 weeks have been bad again. I am up too late and then always wake up at 5am and have trouble sleeping the rest of the morning. So one of my goals for this week is to start getting better sleep.
I am trying to detach and let go but am finding this so incredibly hard.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
the "to do list" is a great idea. I had the same problems when my situation just started and you'll see others on these boards did also. The thing that helped me manage at home and at work was a list that I would write up. Otherwise I found myself just sitting around.
You sound like you're ahead of the curve here and as you post with questions even more people will help with advice. It a great place as you can tell with Polly helping already.
I saw your question about DB vs DR. Others will hopefully chime in. DR is a newer version but owning both of them my oppinion is that I wish i would have read DB back when the problems (which I was blind too) were developing. DR is more in line with what to do after the situation blows up.
If you are like me and others (which you are already talking about identifying your culpability) you will go through many books. You mention that you own DR and if you are watching your budget there are other books I would buy at this point instead of DB. There is a good thread out there with many recommended book titles
It is in the newcomers and called "getting past no"
I apologize for not adding a link. I haven't palyed around in here enough to master that one yet
As for acknowledging your responsibility in past mistakes in M. you will get an oppotinity i am sure. hopefully he will bring up the R and you just need to be prepared. Validate and accept responsibility. even if he starts blaming you for things that are not right, do not disagree. That will pass.
If you really need to get it out perhaps you could set up a situation where he is forced to bring up r or you quietly bring it up. I doubt if he will remeber who brought it up anyways especially if the talk is constructive.
Had an up and down week but feeling a little 'up' right now....
So I got an email yesterday about general things (small talk) and a text today from H asking if I 'wanted to have a meal or something tomorrow?' which is the last day before I'm away for 2.5 weeks. So this may be a good time to talk, I will feel it out and see how it goes. Trying to keep no expectations. No matter what happens I will go away and enjoy my time with my family/friends try to detach and focus on me.
Also going to pick up some books for the journey to focus on reading. I can't wait to relax and have some time off work too.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
H has just been over. It went ok. I tried my best to be happy/upbeat and we even joked around some. We were going to grab a quick meal somewhere but then he suggested we pick something up at the supermarket and take it back to the house to cook so I agreed.
He brought up money, he has been paying for everything still since it has all been in his name but asked me 2 weeks ago if i could pay some towards rent/bills and wanted to agree on an amount. I don't want to pay anything, not that I said that. But I guess the request may be reasonable ?? I don't know!
He asked me if I had spoken to any of our friends (long term friends that don't live near us) and I said no. (last time we talked about this he told me they had said to him they didnt know if they should talk to me or not and felt awkward) He kept saying 'MY' friends this and that and stated they were 'his' friends. so I guess he's changed his mind. who knows.
There was a little R talk so I was able to say a couple things about my own responsibility in the situation and understanding/validating him/ his feelings. He stopped me and just said I had done nothing wrong and not to change anything bc none of this is my fault. But that he appreciates me telling him. I also made it clear that this is not what i want but i understand what he has said. so really that is the last im going to say about anything now. He did say he didn't feel ready to talk about 'this' that he didn't think it had been enough time. and that he felt awkward when he came over bc he once was so comfortable in the house but now its 'my' house so he doesn't know how to be.
He still doesn't really look at me when he is talking, just straight ahead/at tv/wall etc. He said before (the last few yrs) he would end up getting fed up with me/us as things/problems built up and then i would go away (i come from a long way away so would often go visit for a month or more, especially while still studying for degree bc of school breaks) and in that time he would really miss me so knew he wanted me to come back. but that its not right to be like that. and that its not normal.
He had lots of things he was talking about that he had done, gone to or was thinking of doing. Each outing he described felt like a kick in the stomach. He does ask some about me and what i've been doing and asks who with, etc.
I told him he has the number where ill be if he would like to talk to me while im away and he said ok, and he said be sure to check my email while im away.
*sigh*
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I feel like there is a fog over my head at the moment and I can't think clearly.
I am away at the moment which has been good bc I am seeing family, having some fun and relaxing in the last week.
Updating...not much to update really..
I have felt really ok for the last 10 days. I have been busy and enjoying myself and felt really detached from everything. But then today went and upset myself thinking too much and feel like I got pulled right back in.
I haven't had much or no contact with H. I emailed 2 lines when I got here just saying 'I thought I'd let you know I got here ok. Hope you are well.' (he always would get really anxious when I was flying) I just thought if it were him going id appreciate knowing he was safe. He replied with something short. I left things at that. Almost a week later he emailed me again saying 'I just thought I'd check how you were getting on? Hope you're having a nice time' and then a big paragraph about his work problems hes having. I didn't reply. I just felt so annoyed at the question, I was thinking...How do you think I'm 'getting on!' And then on Easter I sent an email saying Happy Easter, I hope you had a nice day. Bc i knew he would be alone for the holiday. He just replied saying thanks and its just been a normal day for him like every other day. and that he was thinking about taking easter chocolate in for work the next day for everyone. Which kind of annoyed me too since I am guessing he wouldn't have done anything for me.
There has been a female from work that has been in the picture this whole time and I don't really know what to think about it. We were all friends before this happened with our M. Now they are still very good friends, i feel like even better than before and I dont see her anymore. H stated very clearly and I felt honestly that they were just friends and our M problems had absolutely nothing to do with her(or anyone else). I really believed him, I know him well and he has never been able to lie so I dont know really. They are spending more time together now bc they both dont know many people in the area and live near each other now that he has moved out of our house. I dont have any proof of anything other than what he has told me. I feel like I am making up a lot of things in my head but bc I dont know what their interactions are especially since I am not seeing H much.
Anyway I am pretty sure they went to a nearby city together recently as like a day out. H had mentioned he wanted to go and now I see she has just been so I'm sure they went together. I know it all sounds fishy but at the same time he probably would have invited any friend to go along. I feel extremely jealous and angry that he chooses to spend time with her and not me. I feel replaced, as he is doing a lot of the things we used to do together with her right now. Things like going out for drinks, dinner, movies any social things really. I was so worked up when I found this out I felt like calling him and asking if he had a good time in 'x' with his 'new gf' anger is really getting the better of my emotions today. But I didn't. I didn't say anything I havent even talked to H,eventhough I feel like screaming it at him!
I also don't know if i should be responding to his emails when he contacts me. I half feel like I am too drained to deal with it right now and also like when he asks a stupid question like that it doesn't deserve an answer! but maybe also this is him trying to talk to me? or reach out or something? i just don't know.
so I guess I am feeling pretty bad tonight and questioning if I have been doing the right things?
I felt like before I had been reading DR over and over on some sections and had a good action plan to try my best to stick to and now it seems more like a big mess and I can't see which way to go.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I feel a little better from venting last night and been busy today not focusing on it. I am really glad I didn't speak to H yesterday. I was feeling way too emotional and angry.
The way I feel seems to come in waves. Sometimes overwhelming. Although the highs and lows seem to be a little farther apart nowadays. I can only see this as being good.
We'll see what its like when I got back home next week. I have a feeling I may feel worse before I feel better again. It will be hard to go home to an empty house and very sad. Also I wont have much to distract me so need to work hard at continuing my GAL activities and find some more to pick up too.
I don't know if I will see H when I return. If he follows his patterns he will want to meet up for a meal or something but I dont know if i should continue doing this? or if i should turn him down? I guess I need to think about this.
I also think H is going to arrange to come and pack all of his things up to 'move' to his new place where he is staying now. He has so far only taken a few bags of clothes and some dvd's and things to keep him busy. I know of course he will need to take his things, but the separating of 'stuff' seems so final. It makes me very sad and I know will be very hard for me.
So I am not looking forward to these things but will handle them as best I can bc I have no other choice.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I would respond to his texts and emails, but say less than he does. You want to show him you're doing just fine, and if you don't respond he doesn't get to see that. I am not hearing from my H much at all, so if I were in your shoes, I'd respond but just be friendly and keep it short.
I can also relate to the fear of having things moved out of the house. My H took most of his things this week. Absolutely, it felt like it was more final - but really, hopeful, it's just stuff. What's really important is working on being the best you that you can be.
