She may not be happy. Is that what you really want? Her to be unhappy?
In any event, try to get out of her head. It's not a good place for you to be, trust me.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
No i dont want her to be unhappy thats not where i was going with that... Just want her to come to that point that she second guesses what she is doing.
She just texted though conversation went like this:
W: Were u able to take care of it?...
Me: ya its done
W: Was it able to get approved in front of u?
Me: ya i waited and he came out and said it was gtg
W: K thanx
Me: ur welcome
W: I want to talk to D tonight
Me: ok
Should i tell her that she needs to call D instead of us calling her?
So D wanted to talk to W earlier. We call her and D talks to her then i get on the phone and We talk for a sec. Mostly about D moving up into the Pre-K class and how she loved the playground i built. I also told her i was going to tile the house. (we had talked about it before the bomb and i was against it, well i thought about it and i think its a good idea for the house not because W has made the desicion that she has). I said something to her cause as of right now we share a bank account. W sounded very content so i assume she i very settled with her desicion to leave... anyways i told her i had to go cause i was going to take D and dog to dog park. She said she wanted D to call her before she went to bed. So we call her and D changes her mind right when she got on the phone. SO i got on the phone and told W that D didnt want to talk, then i told her i had to go id talk to her later... then i get a text:
W: whats ur deal?
Me: nothing
W: Then why are you so pissy?...(What!? I was even laughing at D when i told her i had to go)
So i dont even know how to respond...BTW i had a very happy tone the entire time ive talked to her today.
W called to "talk". She wanted to make sure i knew she was firm on her desicion to leave... i validated her feelings, I told her that this isnt what i wanted but that i understood where she was coming from. Then D came up and the fact that im in the military and that if this was going to work joint custody that i needed to get out and give up the military (im almost half way to retirement). I told her that i didnt think it was fair to D that she has to go through this when she is the one leaving that my career puts food on the table and this roof over her head... Ya i could probably start over but with the job market, me having to start over, i dont have my degree and havent even really started to get it because of my dedication to serving my country instead of setting things up for me to get out(which i never planned on doing). Anyways told her it wasnt fair she said i know its not fair but i have been doing this to long i know we arent meant to be together i can feel it and no matter what she wont change her position. THEN SHE GOT PISSED accused me of using my D to try and keep us together. I tried to explain to her that i wasnt that it has nothing to do with us and that it has to do with D3. Well then she accused other people for putting this in my head i told her that it doesnt matter what anyone else has said im her father and i have to look out for her... then the relationship "talk" started. How she hates me and im an [censored] for shitting on her for the last 4 yrs... Broke my heart again i validated her feelings and told her that i wasnt going to be that man anymore for me and my D and that if it wasnt for her i would have never realised what i had done wrong. She says well its to late for that with me. So then back to the D she was being evil and finally i had enough i told her that I still didnt want this for any of us but that D was not able to choose this life and it wasnt fair to her to be taken from her home and that she is the one leaving... well she said she was done talking and hung up on me... I might have just ruined everything... I feel so horrible right now having to tell her that but what else am i suppose to do I HAVE to stand my ground with my D.
My thoughts are going a mile a minute... WHAT DO I DO NOW???
Ammo, you might think that you screwed up, but you did the RIGHT thing. Standing up to your W and telling her firmly that you don't want this, but you have to be there for your D was the most courageous thing that you could do. Of course the WAW is going to throw a hissy-fit: you aren't marching along to the tune of her drumbeat! You are showing her that you have a backbone, and you are not codependent.
It hurts right now because you were in a disagreement with her and she hung up. believe me, they will stamp their feet, yell, cuss, call you every name in the book and be as nasty, petty, and spiteful as they possibly can: but you held your ground. It was a victory: both for yourself and daughter, but for your R should you want it back later.
Stay strong; keep your D at the focus of why you are doing this and work on yourself. Your W will notice that you can't be pushed, pulled, or short-shifted. That will make you look better in her eyes, not worse.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I know i got something i would like for you to look at PD about to post it now...
she is not a bad mother, its just i feel my D has a more stable environment with me. and so do other highly involved in my D's life... I dont want to be the bad guy and even if this does go south i dont want to be on bad terms with my W. She still is the mother of my child and i want her to be in my D's life without the drama or hate between us...
Me: Im sorry you got pissed its a sensitive subject for both of us because we care about her if you would like to talk about it later I'm willing too
W: U have no idea how pissed i am. The fact that u r even bringing up taking full custody blows me the F*uc away. And no i dont want to talk about it. u have stooped to a new low (that one really really hurt)
Me: Im only trying to figure out what's best for D I dont know what that is right now i didnt even say i wanted to take any custody from you im just trying to figure that out with you. not in a screaming match. what's best for her is that we work this out but thats not possible according to you so im just trying to figure out which causes less drama for her what best for her not me and you.
W: Whatever. All ive wanted since this started is no drama and what best for her is that we dont fight and the future we will work out when that times comes. Im going to bed. (dont agree with this at all other than the no fighting part, we will worry about the future when the time comes??? i think we owe her more than that we are already ripping her life apart with a D and then to say well we will just have to worry about whatever later i think we can plan and give her more than that.)
Yet to be sent still sitting on my phone trying to decide to send it or just give up with her about it...
Me: I just want you to know that i dont want any drama neither but whatever happens, no matter what me and/or you decide its only has to do with what's best for amaya and that i will always no matter what understand that, that it doesnt have anything to do with you pesonally or me personally. Im not angry at you and I would never use our daughter in any way for the sake of this relationship whatever it may be.
You are definitely the more stable of the two of you right now, and you are giving your D the better environment right now. I would definitely lay off the discussion about custody and such, especially over text messages: that kind of stuff could have a way of coming back to bite you if your M ever does go south.
Have you spoken to a L yet? Many Ls will give a free consult to help ascertain what your rights are. I would definitely talk to one and find out what options you have.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
