Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Back here again!!

Hey Julia,

Sorry for not posting yet.. so much has happened really and I was amazed at that present he got you ! Its not like he had to get you anythning at all, neverlone something "cute" and thoughtful??!

As I said before though.. I still think not much will change until or if, he changes his mind about ow. For me, things are still 'stuck' whilst he remains with Helen and has some twisted loyalty to her. People told me it would be like that, but I didnt believe them (including my wise old mum who said, the man that has an A feels more loyalty to a new partner of 6+ months than their own wife) wrong I know, but thats how it goes!

I really didnt think the FB comments were directed at you, or for your benefit? They have been in an R for some time now and they live together, so I doubt she feels too insecure. Well, I wouldnt be if I were in her shoes... I would just assume, as the house sale and D is proceeding, that he was now my bf. Especially as she is young and you just accept things more at that age, i did then anyway. I accept that as far as Helen is concerned, my ex is 'hers' and she probably has no idea that he contacts me really.. or has feelings for me (no way!! He would be lying to her). I suspect that is true for your ex, she probably knows he has to speak to you about the house, but as he doesnt contact you at weekends and makes lunchtime/5pm appointments he can make it seem more like 'business'.

So I doubt he has been honest with OW and told her about your convo, he's avoidant hey and wasnt honest with you afterall! He probably lies to her about you. Do you hear reports of their R at all? Do you know if theres any disharmony there? Has he ever alluded to you whether its going well, or not, with ow??

My sister (who DBd and got her H back, but they are now D).. said a good point to me.. they will do what they want to do, regardless. So.. if there are feelings there/doubts.. they will come back to you one day anyway. I dont think DBing is what makes them come back in our sitches. Within reason.. of course if you were mean/pyscho/started seeing someone else..there are things we COULD have done which would prevent reconciliation (if they want it), but as long as you remain being yourself and within the realms of reasonableness, if you are soulmates and meant to be, you will be one day.

You sound alot happier at least and you are lucky that contact is increasing and things didnt go the other way, or end up acromonious! I admire the way you have coped and remain so even tempered.

xxx

Hi JCJ,

I am doing ok and you can read about it on my thread.

Sounds like you are going through a bit of something yourself lately. While I am catching up is there anything I can say to help?

Happy Monday Julia!

(((Ali))) thanks for posting. You brought up some interesting points. The FB incident and my reaction to it just goes to show me that I cope much better with ow when I don't see or hear any evidence of her so for my own personal mental health I try to keep away as much as possible from anything that might lead me to hear about her - not that there is much opportunity for that anyway.

I should think he doesn't mention any of the stuff with me to her. What ow would put up with their boyfriend being so friendly to their wife that they aren't even divorced from or showing signs of initiating divorce.

For me DBing has made a huge difference because I was putting a lot of pressure on before. 180's have allowed me to see real changes that I needed to make in my attitudes and I can start to live them for real. Also, it has opened my mind. Before DBing I was convinced I was right about everything - youth I think and my H would say 'you aren't always right', I think he felt he was fighting a brick wall, as was I. DBing has allowed us to mesh a bit and that is growing, slowly admittedly, but I do feel progress.

(((Kassie))) I'm so pleased you are back. I was worried about you and hoping all was well.

(((Mishka)) You put a big smile on my face this morning Happy Tuesday!!!!

Just an update, I haven't heard from H. I am staying dark just for the moment and waiting for him to contact me. We had a lot of intense (for us) interaction last week and I want to keep the pressure off him from me by not going all eager because he let his guard down a bit. Still, when you have had interaction it makes you want more and makes me struggle with patience.

I must say that I do find weekend and especially bank holidays the hardest times which is the exact polar opposite to life pre-bomb. I used to live for my weekends and holidays. I do struggle with loneliness, I saw friends and stuff over the weekend but I do miss that intimate connection. It is partly life circumstances, living in an area where I know no one and being quite cut off even from even local shops and also working in a one person (me!!) organisation. When I move I am really going to work on meeting new people. When I am more mobile and less cut off by my transport situation things will be much better I hope.

Two things I am going to work on to improve my life... I have a great big huge idea for work that if I can get off the ground will be fantastic and renew my interest in my job again. The second is that I am also going to learn to plan better. Next bank holiday is at the end of May and is also near my wedding anniversary so I am going to make sure I am so busy that I will not have a moment to think about anything!

Dearest J!

I'm so proud of how pro-active you are being about making your life better. I totally know what you mean about weekends/holidays.... after I moved to Atlanta, in grad school, I always looked forward to the weekend and then when it arrived I felt soooo lonely and I hated it! Planning ahead is the solution!!

I'm excited for your great big huge idea for work, too!

I know it is painful to move, but it sounds like it is going to open up a lot of new possibilities in terms of being somewhere around people you want to see and things you want to do.

I also want to hear more about your travel plans sometime...

love,
T

(((T)))

You're such a lovely friend, thank you

I was thinking actually, I would really like your advice on building a friendship with my H. How do you judge when you should contact B and when you should wait for him to initiate? And in the meantime, how do you not worry about it? I suppose GAL is the answer there... Just wondering if you had any tips/ thoughts?

My big huge work plan will affect my travel plans in terms of timing. I am seeing my Chairman tonight to tell him about it, and if he agrees then I can start presenting it to the Trustees. I hope they say yes!

So far I have decided on spending a longer period of time in New Zealand and Australia then backpacking round the Far East. Typical backpacker trail really. It depends on time and money but that area is somewhere I want to explore. I went to Australia when I was 18 and loved it but was only there 6 weeks so didn't get to see much.

Only 6 weeks? Heavens! I'd love to go anywhere for even a week. We just don't get vacations like that here. If you get two weeks paid vacation a year you are pretty darned fortunate!

It was my gap year before uni Mishka... I'd have to leave my job now. Unless I could pursuade them to give me a sabatical. I doubt that though!

Ah...I was thinking you must have the same vacation laws there they have in Australia since you were off that long. I tell everyone that I'm defecting and becoming Australian because they get 6 weeks mandatory paid vacation!

Hey Julia, Your travel plans sound wonderful!! I always heard New Zealand was beautiful.

Moving does sound like it will be good for you as well. For me it became easier to contact my H - when i stopped fighting him. If he rejected my invite, no big deal. My fear of rejection lessened, while my confidence increased. Make any sense??? Sounds strange - I know - but so is my sitch - right??