Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

I have been posting on newcomers forum, but Sandi2 suggested I move over here. I've not yet figured out how to include a link to my original post (sorry, I'm blogging challenged), so I'll include a very brief history.

Discovered H's EA by reading emails. OW is younger, worked for H, married. At time of bomb, he was pursuing and she was saying just friends but not stopping his pursuit or professions of love. Since bomb (EA, ILYBNILWY, don't know if I want to work on M, etc.), he has moved out during the week and things have gone up and down, seemingly aligned with his R with OW (as she has accepted his advances, things deteriorate for us. We are going to MC about every other week, but he says he's just "not feeling it" for me. He has not admitted any contact with OW, but I have proof it has continued. He has distanced not only from me but also the kids, which is killing me.

I have been trying to DB and GAL, but face the same problems with detaching (so hard!) and backsliding I have read from many. I am committed to my M, but frustrated as don't feel there's a chance as long as he has hope with OW. I'm feeling played and don't want to be a doormat and thinking I need to set boundaries.

My question that I hope some of you guys that have experience and are doing so well will help me with is this - when you have MLC with EA (99% sure not PA yet), what type of boundaries can you set without pushing them away? Is it ok to discuss R and OW when it comes to setting boundaries? Anyone willing to share examples of boundaries you set that worked well to protect you and maintain some self-respect?

I'd really appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1748627&page=4#Post1748627

Here's your link, In Limbo.

You all help her out now. I told her there were great people here on the MLC forum.


Sandi

IN
Sorry you find yourself here
Im not sure I have exactly the answers you need but I will sahre some of my experiences with my MLC H
In my case, my XH also was having an A at time of bomb, she was 26 at that time, either D or M im not sure
he denied OW and we too went to MC, but it didnt help
Mine said all the same things to me
and he was staying out nightly till 2,3 or 4 am
I didnt know about OW, I suspected but I realized or felt there was nothing I could do
H was leaving and he was shutdown from me for many months until he left
For a time , he would leave the room, if I walked in
so sad..I db pretty good I guess
and we became friends,,I tried to validate him and thanked him for any help he gave for me or kids
He still movewd out, but would visit 4x aweek and we were friendly
I only found out about OW a few months ago...wow 2 years later
he is still with her living together..she is 28
so I confrointed him about her, he admitted it
I thought he would chose me,,but he remains loyal to her
he has also distanced from kids
It is hard
we have to take the extra load..be the mom and dad
therapy for you will help
let him go
try to validate his feelings,,like He says I am unhappy in the M
I hear you are unhappy
vent here
I probably would tell the MC about the A and see waht they suggest
but it probably wont help especially if your H is in beyong return with her as many of these mlcers are
peace

Sandi,
Thanks for finding me here and posting my link.

Sandi and Peace,
I appreciate any thoughts, advice, etc. you give. MC has said he's afraid to push H too much in session b/c he is afraid he won't come back. Heck of a thing when the C realizes how manipulative and deep into MLC that H is and isn't sure how to proceed with MC. I feel like H would be likely to at least work on M if he was sure OW would not work out. It's EA, not PA and she's married. She was abused as a teen and has a lot of baggage, says she loves her H and wants to be friends (as of emails discovered 3/11). But now she's meeting him outside of work, so who knows. He's manipulating her just like everyone else. It's taking all my self control not to contact her, out them to everyone, etc.

I did get a DB reaction last night that made me chuckle. H had emailed me and told me he would call when he was on the way to his extended stay place. He called around 7:40pm on my cell and said "are you not at home?" - sounded miffed. Nope, I'm NOT sitting at home waiting for your call dude! I was very pleasant on the phone (disussing scheduling of kids, etc.) but did not launch into any other conversation. I have mixed feelings about that. One of his complaints is that we don't have anything in common, nothing to talk about, don't have fun together, etc. So when he doesn't intiate a conversation outside scheduling, should I do so or should I just get off the phone?

I'm looking for good 180 ideas and also for information on boundaries setting for MLCers. Any suggestions?

Hi IL,
You can check out my recent history here with my two threads..I would say avoiding any talk about the OW or his A is extremely helpful in keeping your H from seeing you as the enemy. If you attack or disparage the OW, or your H for having an A, he may pull into the trenches even tighter and definitely see you as the enemy -which is obviously NOT the goal.

There are some great books I've read about affairs: After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and also her her book on How do I Forgive you..for down the road. Read the archived threads from the MLC forum-there is a LOT of good info on what to expect from a spouse going through a MLC. It helps to educate and understand the nature of this journey so you aren't expecting the unattainable.

Great support here on this forum. Boundary setting(not my forte) should be mostly about keeping you sane and healthy. You'll figure out where those boundaries are by your comfort level with what goes on with your H. If he treats you as a doormat, then decide where that boundary lies and state it and stick with it...If he is disrespectful-set a limit on what you will take. Its about what keeps you healthy..

"One of his complaints is that we don't have anything in common, nothing to talk about, don't have fun together, etc"

Heard the same thing from my H..as you read people's threads you will see how many of our spouses have said the exact same thing-verbatim. You will know that you are not alone. Hang in there!

KJ,

Thanks for posting. I did read a lot of your sitch, but haven't finished it all yet. It has been very helpful. Just got back from my awesome GP doctor and she has recommended a good IC and given me something to help with sleep. That will be welcome. Turns out her best friend had an EA then PA and she didn't even know. Friend and H reconciled and are very happy now, which was comforting to hear.

The problem I'm having with boundaries is that I'm not sure what will keep me healthy and sane at this point. I want to say NO MORE OW, but know that's NOT realistic. Like you, I saw improvements when contact with OW seems to not be going on, but as soon as he starts back with her then everything I do is an annoyance. How do you keep yourself from slipping up and mentioning OW? How do you keep from "snooping" to learn what's going on? Ugh! Makin me crazy.

H just cancelled MC scheduled for tomorrow and also can't make the time of the backup appointment I scheduled. I hate to be paranoid and mind read, but I think he's decided not to continue MC. Really no need if you don't want to work on the M, right? Anyway, since we won't be going to MC tomorrow, I think this is a perfect time to try my hand at going dark. He was supposed to keep the boys for a while tonight so I could go to a meeting, but I haven't heard from him and will just let it slide if I don't. I WILL NOT contact him unless it's an emergency regarding the kids. He is still living at home on weekends, so I should have no reason to see him until late Friday night. I keep hoping that the lack of contact will help me detach.

You hang in there too. I'll hop over to your second thread now and keep reading. It's funny, two months ago I had NEVER posted on an online forum and now I feel like it's my lifeline. Who ever knew there were so many going through this junk?

Hi IL,
I'm not surprised about H cancelling MC..thought that might happen. Someone in MLC isn't thinking about saving their marriage-they are thinking about living the life they think they've missed out on. They want their fix.

Remember if H is in a MLC he will not be acting like a normal, sane man who wants his marriage to improve. Don't expect the normal.

I have to say I still have alot of jealous moments about my H's OW, I still snoop just slightly-more to see what H has been looking at online-where his head is at. I've googled OW, still don't know what she looks like. The only salves to that wound are 1) one text my H made after he 'reunited' with OW that said he didn't see making a life with her, and 2)the fact that his workout buddy had told me H said he'd had some fights with OW and she was scary.- My H is a man who avoids conflict like the plague so...

I also have experimented and any mention of the A or OW pushes H completely away from me and makes him see me as the problem/enemy. So since that is NOT what I want, I have successfully created a new habit of avoiding those subjects most of the time. I have mentioned OW only when H has told me he's gone cycling, asking if he did with OW-he seems to tell me the truth(lately) and I don't make much of the answer one way or the other.

I wonder about the A/OW much of the time, usually weekends when H doesn't contact me or the girls-those are the hardest. Its easy to focus on the OW. BUT, its not helpful to your sanity and health, so try to focus elsewhere and definitely avoid confrontation about the A/OW with H. Journal or vent here. Avoid talking to family and friends-read my thread regarding that..I've made many mistakes along the way(and its only been 4 months!). Keep reading. Info is power.

KJ,
I have been good about talking with family and have only told 2 friends, chosen very carefully, and I only talk with them maybe once a week. Reading, journaling and venting here have been my salvation.

I'm really angry right now. I had planned to go to a meeting tonight (part of my GAL work) and Friday H had suggested we meet, swap off the boys and he would keep them while I went, then I would get them back and take them home. We discussed it last night and he acted put out (remember HE suggested it). I told him not to sweat it, I could make other arrangements and he said no, he just wanted to make sure I understood I HAD to get them by 8:15 because he had to get to his class on time. I was cheerful and said sure, no problem. So tonight I drove all the way over to where we were to meet and we waited and waited. The time for my meeting came and went. I called him (didn't know what else to do) and he didn't answer the phone. I left a chipper message that maybe I misunderstood, blah, blah, blah. When he never showed, the boys didn't understand and were worried. How do I know if it's just the MLC irresponsiblity or if something's happened to him? Guess I just wait and see if I hear from him. I'll be darned if I'm calling again.

As for the OW, I do know what she looks like (gorgeous, young, skinny of course). I even met her a while back (before EA). It's hard because when we're around folks he used to work with (she worked for him at his old job), they mention her and have no idea what's going on. H is a very private person, so I wonder how he'll feel if/when it comes out.

I'm struggling with GAL because many days I just don't feel like doing anything. Everything feels faked. We moved here about a year ago and I haven't done a good job of making friends and we have no family nearby. I just feel so isolated. I know I need to reach out and change that, I just find it hard to have casual conversation when your thoughts are consumed by this roller coaster and nobody knows. We haven't even told our kids for goodness sake. They just think Daddy's "traveling." Detach, detach, breathe, breathe, detach, detach....scream!!!!!!!

thry like to live a secret life and double life
at least mine did
they are very irresponsible in MLC and they get worse as the progress in it
you are handling it well -staying upbeat ,validating and letting go
It is very hard
over time-it gets easier to let go more
at first I didnt wan to GAL either
I found this country dance place
It was like a gym and I liove to workout
so i started going every saturday about 1.5 yeras ago
I had a single girlfriend, so she came too
we learnrd to dance and usually have fun there
still go 2x a week
It helped me so much but many times I would be so sad I could hardly dance and I would stay out 1-2 hours
Now I can really enjoy it
so
fake it till you make it

peace

Venting.....welcome anyone else's thoughts or venting too.

H never called last night after failing to meet me to keep the boys and still hasn't called. Even through all the craziness, this is completely new behavior. So I'm going through the stupid process of racking my brain trying to figure out what happened. I know it's useless, just haven't developed the self-control to make it stop. UGH! BUT I will NOT contact him. I guess if he does contact me, I put on a smile and act like it's no big deal (THAT would be a 180 for sure)? Do I tell him the boys were concerned or would that be laying guilt on him? Do I use this as an opportunity to discuss boundaries around when he'll have the kids? Right now it's all me all the time unless I'm on business travel and then I still have to set up sitters for nights he has class and mornings he has to leave for work early. I've always been the primary caregiver (almost exclusive caregiver) but it's almost overwhelming when coupled with this emotional roller coaster. I feel so much for those that have really small kids, not sure how you guys do it.

How can they do this to their kids? What do I tell the boys when they ask where he is and why he never showed? (note: we haven't even told the boys he's moved out, they just think he's had lots of business travel with new job)

It's good to read everyone else's posts to see that even if M doesn't make it, there are lots of folks out there that survive. I'm in a foul mood this morning because I took something to help me sleep last night and did sleep (good) but had the first dream I've ever had about H and OW (very bad). So it's been hard to even pretend to detach this morning. Think I need to go back to setting short term goals and get myself to focus there whenever I start to go down the path of what ifs....