Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Springing forward...

((((((BobbiJo)))))
Got to agree. If you had offered any more it would have been even worse. Dan made some poor decisions, you could see it coming. At that time of night Sydney was bound to fall asleep in the car for a half hour. Or stay up easily for the movie, with a short car ride.

Hopefully his parents figured out that he was more the cause of the trouble than you were, if it really matters. I have a feeling they will!

Thanks guys.

Well Nathan's counselor today said in his sessions it is becoming a recurring theme of war (they do play therapy with toys, he always chooses the sandbox thing), and then he buries the people. She said more but it boiled down to her opinion that he is showing the conflict he sees with me and H and when he buries them it is his way of trying to 'bury' our conflict. She says ultimately it will be better for him to be able to 'bury' it one way or another, either with a D or a reconciliation.

But she said not to make a decision because of that, that if we are truly still undecided then we should take our time making a decision and Nathan will have to wait it out...

She also asked if Dan or I were interested in what she said about MC...I told her I was but he was not. He thinks MC doesn't work b/c we tried it 2x and it didn't work. However he conveniently ignores the fact that he was actively involved in PAs during BOTH counseling attempts. Hello, counseling cannot work to heal the marriage if you are still pursuing someone else.

Today I am very calm, disappointed, but calm. I really want to pull the plug on this marriage today just so we can have a decision and go with it.

H had the nerve to tell me last night I was living in a fantasy land. It was in a weird context but I would imagine he probably includes my thoughts that we would end up back together. He said he wanted to this whole time but the actions do NOT line up...So I am out of that fantasy now.

I understand that, very well. Being in a situation for quite some time and with no real progress is so nerve wrecking. But if you are not sure about it, it will cause you a lot of pain.

Did Dan say anything about what the C said?
Stay strong,
xxx
K

Thanks, K, for understanding...

We had a bit of "the talk" Saturday night, I know you all think we 'talk' too much, and I agree. So I basically told him that all the talking needed to stop, we either were, or we weren't. There is really no in-between that can go on for months. I told him that any more 'talking' would finish us off, for sure.

I told him that he said he wanted to be with me but wouldn't do any of the things that went along with that, touching, kissing, hugging, dates, etc etc.

That for him to sit back and analyze all the things 'wrong' with us, without allowing himself to also enjoy the things that were 'right' with us, was a recipe for divorce, it was painting a one-sided picture... He agreed, said it wasn't fair to have the one without the other...

[The reason for the convo. was Nathan's counseling session. The C had said that our in-between status was hard on Nathan. She did say not to just choose a side, if we were undecided, we were undecided. But I decided that time had run out. As John has been asked before, "Are you in or out?" It can be that simple sometimes...]

Anyway we talked and he got teary and said he couldn't try again, too afraid of being back here. He said he could tell that I was willing to let the past stay in the past and move forward, but he 'couldn't'. That for him to hold me and kiss me and be with me after all that has transpired would feel like 'faking it' to him...

I asked him to hurt me, to just tell me to my face that he did not want me to be his wife anymore, that he wanted a divorce. I told him to just say it instead of implying it. That I had his words "I don't know how to do this without you" and "I want to fix this house up for both of us to enjoy together" in my head and that I wanted him to say "I don't want to be your husband" so I could replace the other words in my head. I am sure that sounds dramatic but I was very calm and looked him in the eye the whole time and he teared up and wouldn't do it...

So anyway I said I get it, that's fine, I just needed to know. I turned around and started picking up the house and he stood there looking at me. Walked partway down the stairs, stood looking at me again so I just started turning lights off (it was 10:30 Sat. night) around the house and he stood again for a bit at the bottom of the stairs, then he left. I saw through the window (he couldn't see me as lights were off) that he went to his truck and turned back and just stood looking at the house for a minute or two before he got into his truck and left.

Well I had already been cleaning out my closet, literally, and finished up Saturday night. All of Dan's clothes/shoes/belts/ties, everything, are gone from our bedroom. There is nothing left of him in there except one wedding picture on our dresser and I didn't move it yet b/c I know Nathan likes to look at it and would notice it...

So Sunday he comes over before church, to the house. He has been meeting us at church instead so don't know why he did that. Oh well, he helped Nathan shower and get dressed so that was nice.

He was leaving again for Canada yesterday, so I told him that I had his swim trunks in case he wanted to relax one night in the hot tub or something (he is gone for 6 days). So he went in our room and I said no, they aren't in there! (The closet was open so I am sure he saw his stuff was gone)

I said come downstairs quick. He came down and I showed him the box of his stuff, next to several other boxes I have slowly been filling up with his stuff. He grabbed out his swim trunks and I showed him another box, very chipper/upbeat, said "Here is that hammock you bought in Mexico, maybe you could put it up in your backyard, it is a good hammock and a shame not to use it"--it was a hammock he bought on our last real romantic vacation, to Mexico 4 years ago.

Anyway I think he was taken aback by the fact that I had his stuff packed up, but that is part of leaving isn't it?

This morning he called, 7:30...he had called last night to say goodnight to the kids in between flights and we were busy watching Bolt with my dad so they only talked for a minute and told him all the fun stuff we were doing. So then this morning he called, I answered b/c kids were with me going to school. He just said, "Well I wanted you to know i am alive." In hindsight on pretty much every trip I have asked him to call me when he gets in so I know he made it safely, and if he doesn't call I usually call or text him, "Hope you made it okay". This time it never even crossed my mind....

I said, "Good, you are alive, was something wrong?" I thought maybe I went to bed and missed it that he had an emergency landing or something, the way he said "I am alive"...He said nothing was wrong just didn't get into hotel until 1:30. I said "Okay, glad you are okay." And gave phone to Nathan.

I am not filing yet but I am not talking to H about anything other than the kids, either. Kind of excited, planning my flower beds for spring, workout plans with my new iPod. Now that I know where we stand for real, I can focus on other things. That is surprisingly freeing.

And guys, I appreciate your feedback and advice, but PLEASE don't 2 x 4 me for "talking" one last time. I had to do it for myself, to flip the switch, as they say. I have been trying to find a way to detach and I just needed it to do that. Now I feel like I put my cards on the table and he knows where I stand, too. So I am glad we talked even if I didn't get the result I wanted, because I can move ahead now.

No 2x4 from me. I think what you did was very healing for you and I'm proud of you for doing it. I wish I had done the same, but never did. I think I didn't want to hear the answer.

I love your moving forward plans. I'll look forward to hearing the rest of them!

Mish,

I didn't exactly WANT to hear it, I thought I needed to hear it. I know the writing is on the wall but when they send mixed messages it is easy for the LBS to grasp at the straws...well he would NOT say it, but he couldn't say he was 'in' either so he is 'out' by default. And my actions toward him will reflect that going forward more so than they have been.

Not to punish him, but to help me live in my new reality.

Exactly! A healthy new you, mentally and physically.

Hey BBJ,

no 2x4s from me. Yes I can be rather "simple"....however, that is what most of us have to decide. Alot of us are still deciding (in or out). Even when we say we are out, our actions and thoughts do not ring true. I have read it for the last year...I have lived it. Nothing wrong with that...
You know BBJ, i have been on board for what seems like an eternity. What follows is not a 2x4. Regardless of what you write in your posts or say to Dan, I know you are not even remotely close to being done. I just feel it...I think it is pretty obvious. Others will undoubtedly agree. All I am trying to say is that if we feel it, Dan does as well. Is that good, bad or does it even matter? Who knows anymore....
My personal feeling is that Dan needs a shock treatment that you are not able to give at this point. Again that is not a knock on you at all. Furthermore, I may be wrong about what Dan needs. I just hope you find some semblance of happiness or peace in your life with or without Dan.

John,

You are right. I am not 'done' with Dan. But I need to be. So I am acting 'as if' until it becomes second nature. You know, that whole "Fake it till you make it" thing. And it isn't entirely fake. I want to be happy and I want to be able to make plans, set goals, live life, without waiting to know whether he is going to be involved in them. It is what I should have been doing since the day I found him with ow 17 months ago...

So no, I am not miraculously cured. But I needed something to help me turn the corner, and I have. Am I over him? No, but I am working on seeing life through my eyes, living life through my own decisions instead of factoring him in on everything. There is a line in a song popular here these days, "I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should..." I know who I have been, I just need to find her and let her out to play.