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Hi bluerain,

Thanks for the response! H will be moving back in end of Sep if all goes well. We have been spending a lot of time together. It is going ok - like I said, there have been some old reactions coming up and we are recognizing it and put a stop to it.

Part of our problem was his behavior - the other part was the situation which is in the process of changing - another part was just my bad reactions to an abnormal situation.

In some ways it is like starting a new R where we are checking out what is ok with the other or not ok - getting to know each other again. Also seeing what we have in common and where we have differences. Managing differences was the problem in the past. So far, it gets tense sometimes, and easier at others.

Over the weekend things got tense when something didn't go his way. I backed off, let him vent, he started to blame others (and not the person who failed him) so I just kept reminding him to "stick to the issue", be mad at the person who let you down and don't start blaming others who had nothing to do with it. My part, "don't take things personally". He listened, calmed down and later we enjoyed the fact that it didn't cause a problem between us as in the past. Progress.

We just made it through some major hurdles that would have torn us apart in the past and did it with ease and enjoyed ourselves.

One thing that is coming back, the strong positive feelings we used to have for each other. That is something that always remained and what has held us together, but I didn't think would come back fully.

My guardedness is disappearing as we talk things through now.

Still nervous when talking about the future and plans.

I think thats totally normal. We have just started talking about "our" house and "our" property.

I noticed a change in my reactions the other day. We were discussing Charleston, I told him that while hes there to really pay attention because I would love to live in South Carolina, he replied that Charleston is in Georgia... I know, just bear with me... I didnt argue, or anything, which is what I would have done in the past, but after a second or two he realized that he had been wrong and corrected himself. Our last big fat fight was him storming off yelling about how I always had to be right (I was right that time too ).

So it feels good to see yourself not biting and taking the destructive bait. I feel better knowing that I am not taking action that I know doesnt work. I know that Charelston is in SC, who knows, maybe there is a Charelston Ga too, I didnt need to correct him. It was an intimate converstation between the 2 of us. Letting it slide wasnt going to hurt anything.

Im so glad that you are seeing these positive changes in your R. It sounds nice to be feeling good about eachother again.

Keep it up!

Such a good point, we are both letting things go, it really doesn't even make sense to argue about most things. If you want to spend time with someone, why would you care about small things.

This week, my H has been really changing his reactions to old issues leaving nothing to argue about and everything to enjoy. That is another change, we are really enjoying each other. I didn't think that could happen again. I think I read that somewhere on another thread that there is a honeymoon period. The real test will be when we are under the same roof again 24/7. AT this point, I don't anticipate any problems. H is just passing by all the usual issues with flying colors.

I thought it would be hard to rebuild trust but it is coming along with the changes. What about you?

Im having a little bit of a hard time. He is on the other side of the country. I would really like to see him. I feel like we could be making more meaningful progress. I find that Im very sensitive to what he does. If he doesnt call or text I wonder if hes having second thoughts. I dont ever let onto that, but it does go through my mind. Im trying to not get ahead of myself, but this all seems so tenuous.

He is also going to be visiting his family for the 4th of july in boston, they are all going to meet up there from canada and maine. Im not sure that they know that we are going to try again. I like to think that they will be supportive, but his Mother was very "You need to do what makes you happy, son" as if we were a couple that had just been dating for 2 years, No, we had a marriage, a family, for nearly 10 years! She kept his A a secret from his whole family and didnt tell them what had really happened until H had already moved to Va. I always wondered what they thought happened, I had an A, I was a nagging terrible woman? These are people I loved, and who told me that they loved me! Again, I need to not get ahead of myself!

I agree that there will probably be a honeymoon period, Im not sure how you would keep from having a hopless attitude in that case. Its kind of scary!

I think last month I wondered what H was doing or thinking on the nights he didn't call. I purposely wanted to take things slow, which seemed to frustrate him - he had the attitude that we couldn't move things along unless we were spending time together. Couldn't get it through to him that when we spent time together I would see how things were.

H told everyone we were together and broken off and together and off so many times that I gave up wondering what others think. They either know that he had a problem or not. I took the attitude that it only matters what I think. MC said the same at one point.

I think family and friends usually try to stay out of the details and just want things to be ok like in DB book. They seem to go back and forth with us.

He always contacts me, its just the waiting that is hard on me! Im having a really tough weekend, what I wouldnt give to have him here right now!

How was your weekend?

My weekend was good! We spent a lot of it together. We had a few moments when old interactions or reactions started to show up. Handled them well I believe by talking through them. I am noticing that the more time we spend together the more these moments come up. I guess that is some type of healing.

I read your post about the dog - sorry it has been tough on you.

You mention he contacts you - does that mean you can't contact him?
I think I read that you communicate by email? We tried that for awhile when I got here because we would get into such verbal quandries. At least with the emails I knew he was listening to me.

When you say that the more you are together, the more the old reactions come up, R they negative reactions? I wonder if you could stop that, can you try to do a 180 and change it?

We text message daily, for a few hours at a time. We are in different time zones, 4 hours apart. So he ends up staying up till midnight or 1 am texting with me. We actually talked on the phone a week or so ago, it went well, I think that it felt good to talk to him.