Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy recently just found out

Well, it's not as over as I thought. They are still parking together at the end of the parking lot at school when they drop the kids off, away from everyone and other cars.

They walked out together shoulder to shoulder this morning, back to their cars clearly talking the whole time, stood behind the cars, and had a close conversation for about 5 minutes. Then each got in their cars and left.

I called my w on it, and she said they were just exchanging pleasantries, and that it was innocent.

I don't know...I don't care how innocent it was, no communication and no contact means no communication and no contact. There should be nothing for them to talk about as far as I'm concerned.

In the over two weeks of all of this, I feel there has been 0 proof and 0 done, other than a few words and no actions, to show me this is over and that she is ready to start working on this with me.

I also found out a little more about him. Low income, has had to appear in court 9 times since 2002. Mostly over not paying people for services, and getting sued for it. Two of the cases made it as far as garnishment of wages. Don't know for sure, but I don't believe he is currently employed.

I agree. What are you going to do?

Did the two of you ever agree to a no-contact/transparency plan together?

Puppy

Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do at the moment. I'm still flaming ticked, angry, and hurt. So I don't want to make a snap decision in that frame of mind.

On the first day I found out about the om, the no-contact/transparency agreement was relatively simple. No contact, and no communication. She ends it with him ASAP and that's it. No "good mornings", "hi how are you"...nothing. I'm not sure I could be more specific than that, at least at the time of the conversation. As of yesterday, I did tell the om via e-mail the same thing. That it's over, and I expect no contact with my wife. She is also aware that I have full access to her e-mail. She agreed to what I said I needed to move forward.

And did she AGREE?

Have you considered having her send him a no-contact letter?

Sorry, the sentance was a little out of place.

Yes she did agree, using the exact words "I understand and agree".

I had not considered that. But I have now!

You sent the OM a letter via email? So, she agreed to no contact, and the OM knows it. But, yet, they talked. Not good. I would have your wife write a no contact letter, that you are able to read, and send on your own. She needs to explain all of this to him. That they will NEVER talk or see each other again, and that this is what she wants because she loves YOU. Discuss that no contact means absolutely NO CONTACT via email, school, phone, etc. If she DOES contact him in any way, shape, or form she HAS to tell you. This is the way to build the trust. You can't have a good relationship with someone you don't trust. She needs to repair this.

Discuss your and HER need for this. Does she know how important her "no contact" is? DOes she have the book, "Not Just Friends"? Until I followed through on "no contact" there was absolutely no chance for my husband and I to work things out. I've said this many times before. The OM is like a drug. If she is seeing him then she is getting a little "hit" from him each time. It keeps her thoughts on him, and thoughts of when the next "hit" will be. Can you figure out different "pick up" arrangements for your child? Bus? Or even a different place to park from now on? She needs to realize the importance of this before she will be able to follow it.

As for the loser man she chose to have the affair with. That's common. The OM I chose wasn't even CLOSE to the man I married. I'm a well educated, religious lady that was brought up well. I picked a OM with no job, divorced, immoral, involved in the court system, did drugs, and had anger management issues. My mind was not used.....all I thought about was how he made me feel..like I was the most beautiful, wonderful, caring, cherished woman on the earth...that we were soulmates....that I would be sooo good for him, and he would love me just like I needed to be love. Makes me wanna be sick now, but that is what I thought then.

Perhaps it's time to change the kids' school.

Thanks all.


Yes, sent via e-mail. They both knew what no contact means, and both broke that. Context of e-mail:


I suppose I really did not see no contact as being a hard thing to follow through with. It is very obvious to me how important it is, I but did not really think about it from her side. So the points you all make about what it is like from my w's perspective makes sense.

I agree about moving schools BTW, but with three weeks left, I thought we could manage through without completely disrupting the kids schedule, routine, and such.

First marriage counseling session this morning. We are both going, so that's something positive!

Just checking in on you...how was the first session with the councelor? Probably just the routine background, get to know you thing, but did it feel good to be there, did your wife seem closed up or open minded about it all?


If your wife agreed to the no contact, then she needs to follow through with it if you are going to be able to build that lost trust back up in her. My 2 cents??...what do you think would happen if you asked her what or if there was something that she would like you to do or not to do that would make her feel better, trust you more, help rebuild or rekindle things? Even though you are not the one that strayed it is going to take both of you to make this work again. She may feel like you did something (even if you don't and you may not have done anything)that led her to her predicament. (The person to blame usually trys to shift the blame to another person...we all know that).

If you ask her, she may answer something as simple as 'make me feel special'. If you can get her to tell you something that you can do, and you are willing to do what ever it is (within reason) maybe she will see that you are working towards a common goal and that she is not the only one working.

I really hope this makes sence. I have read it and reread it and I hope that you uderstand what I am trying to say and that you don't take offence if it did not come out right.

My H wants me to give him a 2nd chance and is begging me to take him back. When I told him what I want him to do that may help make things better, he replied that it sounded like he was the only one having to work on the M. Even though he was the one that was cheating he wanted me to change things too that he felt made him want to stray. It took me a bit to understand what he was saying but I get it now. No one wants to stand alone in the fight for something. I hope I made sense here. You can tell me if I didn't.