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If your mom and/or sister would keep what you share with them confidential, I think you could find that advice invaluable.

Do you think your H would be open to talking about it more...? Maybe if you approach it from the friend-perspective? Seems like maybe you need to back off though and show him through your actions what a great catch you are so he'll wonder about that grass really being greener...

Well I did end up talking to H a bit more. He immediately acts defensive, but I tried to talk to him from the friend perspective about things that he had already brought up with me.

I think I am going to completely back off now. I said a couple of things I felt I needed to say to be at peace. (eventho there were a hundred more things I wanted to say and ask) I hope he really thinks about what was said and takes it to heart.

H keeps saying about our lives are completely separate now and always will be. I don't think, no matter how good of a person I am, that it will make any difference for him. He seems to have shut the door so completely and so quickly. He did keep talking about how he wants to protect me and do right by me and make sure I'm taken care of. While some of it is kind, I don't think it in anyway has other meaning.

He kept saying how my idea of what is right is different from his idea of what is right and that we won't agree. He doesn't see divorce as necessary as he said its only a piece of paper.

He said we are at this point where we have our own lives but still have one foot in the past so it is hard.

I don't want to give up on everything yet, but he keeps saying so clearly that its over, there doesn't seem to be any confusion.

Remember NO R/M talk it is counter productive. I can't say that I have been good at avoiding it either though. I Re-read DR at least once a month to remind myself what I should be doing.
As hard as it is you need to back off and give him space.

It feels like if you give them space you may lose him but remember if you don't you will definitely lose him. Have you thought about the LRT?

You have to let him go. This doesn't mean that you have given up. You can still hope and try from a distance. At least that is what I think. If he wants to he will return. The point is that holding on tightly will not work. In their mind they have already checked out and there is nothing you can do about that.Sometimes you have to be apart to come back together.Hopefully both having worked on yourselves and being better than ever. Not that it is easy but there is really no other option.

Let go and let God. Not easy at first but it will come.

You cannot control life or him. Ever. So go with the flow. Not against it. Observe from a distance.Focus on YOU.

This is what is working for me. I will let others give their input.

You have to let him go. This doesn't mean that you have given up. You can still hope and try from a distance. At least that is what I think. If he wants to he will return. The point is that holding on tightly will not work. In their mind they have already checked out and there is nothing you can do about that.Sometimes you have to be apart to come back together.Hopefully both having worked on yourselves and being better than ever. Not that it is easy but there is really no other option.

Let go and let God. Not easy at first but it will come.

You cannot control life or him. Ever. So go with the flow. Not against it. Observe from a distance.Focus on YOU.

This is what is working for me. I will let others give their input.

Hi Hope,

Thanks for the supportive comments. Your right I need to give him space and not have any R talk, I will work on sticking to this.

I started trying the LRT about a month after H moved out(when I first found DR) and had followed that pretty close for about 2 months. The 1st 4 weeks I saw some results but then they stopped eventho I kept following for the next month.

In that second month it seems as I distanced myself and gave space H used this time to build his R with a 'friend' of ours that he works with, who he is now considering having a relationship with. I feel like I did the whole not contacting and no R talk, etc and all it did was push him towards OW. This frustrates me so much bc I felt like I was doing good at the DR & LRT stuff, and now it makes me think maybe it was the wrong technique to use since it went all wrong!

I feel like right now it may be the only chance I have left to keep trying. But with OW in picture I feel like it only makes it easier for him to conduct an affair?

Kara,
Thanks so much for that post. It is exactly what I needed to read to read today and made me feel a bit better.

I was feeling really upset as when I got to work I checked my email and H had sent me a really thoughtful and kind message about 'our time together' and the events that have passed. It really effected me and made me feel very sad.

So anyway I just tried to keep it together and get busy with my work.

Then at lunch I read this message and it really reminded me of how I was thinking when I was feeling a bit better in the last few months.

So I will keep remembering this as it helps me to let go.

So just to update...

Today went into work, trying to get busy and not think about H and M. I had decided to not contact him again at this time.

When it was time to go home I checked my phone and over the day had 2 txts, a missed call (+email) from H asking if he could stop by tonight to have a look at the computer.

Yesterday he said to me to try n sort it out myself by doing 'x' or ask my brother(which is a little unrealistic as he lives in a different country with a huge time difference). So I decided to try and figure it out myself or find help elsewhere.

So something must have changed his mind in wanting to help me out or do something nice as he completely changed his tune.

I had plans to go to gym with friend after work so I returned H's call and said I have plans until 6:30 so that would not work.

H replied can he come over after that? So I agreed.

H showed up nice and pleasant and did as said as well as being very chatty with me. I listened and was upbeat and pleasant and asked q's only about a couple computer stuff I needed to find out about. (H wasn't able to fix anything right now, but offered that if it got worse he'd take it into the IT people at his office and have them look at it for me. Which I thought was a nice offer)

H then asked if I would like to go grab a bite to eat with him. As I hadn't cooked any dinner bc we were working on pc, I said you must have just heard my stomach growling(as it had, but he didn't hear). So we had some fast food and kept up with good conversation about friends and things happening in our lives. Afterwards, we walked a while since it was still quite early for him to go catch his train home. Until I said ok I'm going to head back then and let you go ahead. H hugged me tight and then we said our good bye's. H had mentioned dr. apt in morning bc of a problem he'd been having so said he'd let me know if it was anything serious but he was pretty sure it wasn't.

Also, over on a infidelity/affairs forum I had gotten some advice about inviting H to do something fun and doing fun things when we did see each other so as to push out old memories of unhappy M with new images of fun and being happy together.

Not sure if this was the right time given all the R talk in the last week that has passed but as the night had gone so smoothly I thought I'd give it a try and asked Would you like to do something fun together, like go bowling, sometime? And H replied with a very positive yes he would really like to. So anyway didn't set a day to do it yet but at least I got a positive response.

Strictly kept to no questions, no R talk, nothing about possible OW. I am glad to have stuck to that.

SO I guess since this seemed to work tonight, I just keep doing that right?? Any tips?

Wow! Nice job taking a risk with the suggestion to go bowling, etc. And his reaction seems very positive.

So, just keep it friendly, no R talk, and if he changes his mind you said ok, no biggie - but if it works out, you have a great opportunity to remind him of how fun you are and what a fool he'd be to lose you!

You sound like you're in a very good place right now. Nice job!

My first reaction when I am told 'sounds like you're in a very good place right now' is that I am so NOT...H is convinced its over, I hardly see him, and he is considering pursuing R with OW?!?

But then thinking again, I see that if I were to think that I would be missing all the positives that I have seen and all the small steps and signs that show H does actually still care regardless of his words(and some actions)at this point.

So I am going to review these over the weekend and really see what I may have been over looking.

Another thing I have been thinking about today is that H mentioned about having no money at the moment. He said he had to draw out cash from his cc just to pay his rent last month. I was shocked, as we were nearly there sorting out our financial situation before he left. H is paying for 3/4 of everything on the house I am living in (rent and bills) and also paying for his own shared place and his own spending obviously.

I began to feel very guilty as I am paying so little towards the housing expenses, eventho it is what we agreed to. And I have managed to save quite a bit in the last few months. H does make twice as much as me, but is still struggling and I stopped helping pay off the cc's that were in his name(eventho the money on them was probably from both of us) when he left. I was very tempted to offer to help him out but decided to think on it.

When I asked him if he is just low on money bc he's been going out a lot, etc he said no but that he hadn't been saving anything either. He was going out to lunch and been clothes shopping and not worrying about his food shopping just getting whatever he wanted.

So I am torn between offering to take more responsibility and helping out. I also think he needs to see the consequences of his actions! And also out of anger probably I think it was HIS choice to walk out of M so he should have to pay for it not me!

I just don't know on this one.

H also texted today that he had skipped the doctor appointment today as he 'felt better.' I am not surprised as I was shocked that he had actually went out on his own accord and made an appointment since he never normally would!

Not wanting to be responsible anymore(especially in a R with me) is a huge reason he gave for leaving. It seems he is still running from responsibilities.