I was delayed at work, so was unable to attend my weekly dance class. I decided to take my puppy to the dog park instead. My W asked if she could go along, as long as I was nice to her. I said OK.
It was the first time I've been in a car with her for three months. Her speech was slightly slurred from drinking a few beers. She asked me if she could buy me a car to replace the 92' Volvo I drive. I told her that it wasn't necessary.
On the way back, I stopped at a subway shop for her. They got her order wrong, and she complained about it the rest of the trip home.
She called me today from a downtown store with her friend (OP?) and asked me if I needed some dress shirts. I took advantage of her offer and chose a few colors I like, and a brand I like.
Her friend who is getting a D, has high blood pressure, is a recovering alcoholic with a track record of sobriety, is an ex-smoker, and a compulsive eater with a moderate weight problem. He also is a very patient man, who raised special needs children, and seems very patient with my W. He rides a motorcycle, and has inspired my W to get a license to drive cycles on her own.
The story continues. It will turn at some point in the near future.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I watched Dancing with the Stars last night with my W. Once again she had several beers in her, so her speech began to slur. I had prepared a pork roast stew that weekend. I still cook every weekend for us, and made a pork roast this week to take a break from the beef she likes.
She complained that the beef was too dry, and began to complain that I don't care about her needs. I saw that this wasn't going to end, so I took my puppy and went to my bedroom and closed the door, without saying a word. I don't have the desire or energy to deal with her when she's in such a state of mind. I choose to no longer participate in nonconstructive conversations with her.
She escalated somewhat when I left, saying that I never cared abouot her needs. It died down after about ten minutes.
She bought me three dress shirts over the weekend.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Good for you not going down that same road(cheeseless tunnel). By not doing that it saves you the frustation and may be making her do some work. Three shirts, Awesome. Have a good day CL. lad I found ya. J
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
J, My W told me that she and her friend (OP?) went paddle boat riding last night at a local park. I was out ballroom dancing at my weeknight venue. She invited me to join them next time they go. I don't understand why she would want to include me in a threesome.
She apologized for her crabbiness the other night, stating that she hasn't been feeling well.
She was describing how her friend's wife has him sleeping on their couch. She seemed proud of herself that she has me set up in a guest bedroom complete with a flat screen television, writing table, bookshelf, computer and printer, bed, and dresser.
I've begun reading the novel, Say When, by Elizabeth Berg. The book tackles the question of when is it better to save a M, and when is it better to let it go.
I've finished the first chapter. Griffin receives a bomb from his wife, Ellen, that she wants a D. She announces that she's in love with someone else. They have a D10.
She asks him to move out, reasoning that she needs to stay and take care of their daughter, and provide stability. He is not unbalanced by her comments, and asserts that he's not going anywhere. She will have to leave if she chooses to do so.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I went to see my IC yesterday. I told him about my increasing momentum with my interest in writing personal essays. I'm working on drafting scenes. It's hard work trying to describe setting, people, add dialogue, and put emotion into it.
It's still awkward talking to him about my situation. I keep waiting for him to confront me and tell me that I'm approaching this all wrong. He tells me that it's easier to be confident about what one would do in this situation, until they're in it. It's not black and white.
I believe in karma, in that natural consequences will follow for my W. I believe these will be far more influential than anything I can do. I will impose boundaries as-need with the right intention.
I think it's helpful to talk about my situatiion with him, even when I don't have a specific problem to solve. During those sessions, when there hasn't been much activity with the M, I get to tell him about my GAL activities, detachment progress, and describe my W's friend.
I did ask for advice on keeping boundaries with acquaintances. I wasn't sure how much I should tell them about my situation. I've decided to keep it honest and brief, without details, when asked about my W. They don't have a right to know, or have their curiosities satisfied.
Someone from my W's salsa community may take dance lessons at my studio. I'm expecting her to be a journalist and ask nosy questions. I've learned that not everyone is respectful of privacy. I don't think she needs to know that my W and I are having problems. She can use her imagination to create whatever story she wants.
This is where therapy is so important. If it wasn't for IC, I wouldn't be talking about my situation to anyone, and that can't be healthy.
I'm going to be joining my brother and nephew to watch professional baseball next Friday, so I'll have some family contact next weekend.
My W and her friend will be going to her nephew's graduation party. I would typically go, but I'm still holding onto not being in public with them, particularly at family gatherings. It's too soon to do that. I would say post-D would be the time I could venture into public with them.
I've been sharing with my W some of the dance steps I've been working on at home. She complains to her friend, that her need to have a ballroom dance partner is not being met. He isn't interested in taking lessons, at this time. He says that he just wants to enjoy dancing.
My W wants her friend/OP (ex-smoker, runner) to help her create a plan to quit smoking, and to create a plan to exercise regularly.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]This is where therapy is so important. If it wasn't for IC, I wouldn't be talking about my situation to anyone, and that can't be healthy.
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CL, I feel you are soooo right on this.
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I've been sharing with my W some of the dance steps I've been working on at home. She complains to her friend, that her need to have a ballroom dance partner is not being met. He isn't interested in taking lessons, at this time. He says that he just wants to enjoy dancing.[quote]
I wonder if she is thinking about the fact that she had what she needed already and didn't need to look somewhere else for it.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Matilda, I didn't make it to the baseball game. My brother had to work that night as a bartender. I think we're trying again in two weeks.
My parents were out of town visiting my sister in Boston. I at least offered to come visit them.
My W invited me to go to her sister's gathering (who we do the cooking for). Her friend N----- is also going. I thought about it and decided I should go. I can't think of any reason not to go. It would be a passive-aggressive act to not go. I'll probably go myself with my sheepdog, and leave when I'm ready.
My W has been working around the house this past week. She has put effort in keeping up with her laundry, and cleaning the dirty dishes from the cooking job. She also has agreed to let the dog stay home on days she is off of work. That makes my commute about a 1/2 hour shorter, and saves us $20/day in daycare fees.
She wants him to take dance lessons to improve his skill. He has been resistant as he's afraid that it will inhibit his self-expression. He doesn't understand that craft and expression complement each other. I get the impression that he and my W are more alike than not (two peas in a pod).
I'm reading a memoir by Ann Patchett titled Truth and Beauty. It's the story of her friendship with poet and writer Lucy Grealy, who was disfigured as a child due to cancer. It's the story of the ant and the grasshopper, or the tortoise and the hare.
Ann Patchett writes, "Grasshoppers and hares find the ants and tortoises. They need us to survive but we need them as well."
My W decided to not go to her nephew's graduation party, because her sister from Indiana sent an email telling her not to bring her friend N-----. My W chose to be loyal to her friend and told her sister she wasn't coming. If it was a local trip, I would have made a personal appearance, but it's two hours away, and I don't want to spend that much time with my W in a car.
I've been joining my W and her friend for dinner at our home. He is going thru a rough time with his D, and is in the process of making changes in his life.
I try to be cordial to my W, but notice that I don't want to invest too much energy into her, or stay in conversations too long. I find myself saying no to her whims more than I have in the past. I'm her roommate, things are different.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
There seems to be conflict with my W's friend N-----. They came back yesterday, and told me their tales of conflict. I feel sorry for him, as he's going thru a D, and is looking for companionship and refuge (even though he's crossing boundaries, to what extent, I'm not sure).
The conflicts they are experiencing, I've been thru with her. He wants to dance for fun, and isn't interested in technique. My W wants a partner, and has been pushing him to take lessons. He finally did this weekend at a dance convention here in town. My W is looking for someone who is willing to learn, and is looking to learn dance technique. She doesn't give him the space and freedom to pursue his hobby on his own terms, and gives him sharp feedback when he doesn't meet her expectations, or makes her look "bad" in public.
He doesn't like to ask for directions, so they are frequently getting lost, and getting to events significantly late. She says that he can have a temper.
He is grateful that I allow him to visit frequently as a respite, and cuts my grass for me. He made a reference that my W and I used to be married (who knows what she told him?).
My W tried to triangle me into mediating their conflict. I listened to her complaints about him, and told her that she needed to put as much effort into working on her own issues, as trying to change him. I got a tongue stuck out at me for that remark.
He mentioned to me an interest in writing his life story, so I did recommend some books to help him get started, as I've been working on this myself this year.
He was supposed to join us for a family gathering today, but I found out that he decided not to. This will make my day easier, as I don't know what family gossip is circulating. She's supposed to travel with him for two weeks to Puerto Rico. If it's a friendship, I hope they work things out. If lines are crossed, I'm all for the natural consequences of karma.
I think the story is starting to turn. I'll continue with dancing three nights per week, writing and reading daily, and taking my dog to the dog park.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
