Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Let Everything Happen to You

Thank you Lanzo!!!

Lanzo,
I didn't know you were still following me. You are right in that we need to respect that what may seem illogical to us is the best that a LBS can do at the time.

I may need knee or shoulder surgery, but I'm going to put it off until I can't stand the pain anymore, because I know rehabilitation is going to be long and unpleasant. I may procrastinate with quitting smoking, because I know it's going to be a tough process to get through.

Some of us have to work up to making difficult decisions that are going to unbalance our lives for some time, even though in the long run, it needs to happen.

I prefer to think of this part of the journey, as working up the courage to making probably the most difficult decision, I've ever made in my entire life. Divorce goes against my grain. I'm wired for commitment and loyalty.

Once I get those dominoes falling, there is no turning back. This is a very private and personal decision, that only I can make. My W knows that, and is probably exploiting it, among other things.

I feel like I've come to that fork in the road, and I'm staring at both paths. If I have other options, other than to cultivate my own interests and connections, and to work on cultivating an undefended heart, I don't see it.

CL

I met with my IC yesterday. I talked about my internal struggles with coping with my situation. This included difficulty with having ill will, being preoccupied, and confused. It included not knowing to what extent I should be setting boundaries. It included not knowing when I should pursue a D, or bring it up to my W. It included what are the boundaries involved in cultivating relationships with others in the dance community. I made an indirect reference to some of the concerns others in the MLC community have that I'm tolerating too much.

This is my understanding of what my IC replied. He believes that most people would have left the M by now. He thinks that my staying is/was a reflection of my own issues (dependency, self-esteem, fear, poor social skills, lack of social connection).

He also believes that I have made great strides in the years since the separation, and thru the sleeping elsewhere episodes. He agrees that I need more time to grow and become stronger, and that it's too soon for me commit to the arduous task of pursuing a D. He believes that D should be pursued from a position of strength, and in a nonreactive manner.

He thinks that my W isn't aware of the changes going on with me, and will be unbalanced and threatened as I continue to get stronger. He thinks she will be surprised when one day I announce with conviction, my desire to move forward with my life.

I told him about the flirtation going on between myself and my dance instructor. He thinks it it healthy, though advises me to not go out with her on an individual basis, due to temptation.

He thinss that as more woman flirt with me, I will realize that there is ample opportunity for healthier relationships, and will want to move forward with my life. He thinks this is a legitimate reason to D, if my W continues with her sleeping elsewhere and continues to fail to work on herself, continue her version of blaming me for the marital problems, and seeks connection outside the M.

CL

Dear CL,
I am very happy that you have discussed all this on a face to face level with the C.
I think alot of us as you say think you have and do "put up" with far to much, but then we are not walking in your shoes or indeed are YOU.
For myself I have never met a man who is so sensitive or dependant etc. so I have trouble understanding those kind of issues.I just see a kind and caring man being taken for granted continually and his kind and generous spirit being trod under foot. So maybe I shouldn't speak out.
I do think you are improving your own issues and that has to be a good thing for any future relationships, which will come as evidenced by the new found flirting. Practise makes perfect, but yes I agree be careful. I worry that you might be attracted to a similar women to your wife, like women that are abused do,so this might be something to watch out for.
Again I am concerned at the slowness of things whilst you grow, that the situation you live with will overtake and crush you before you have had a chance to do the growth you need to go for a D or separation. Hmmmm guess I am a worrier!
Well done anyway for facing these fears and taking steps.
Be a dull old world if we were all carbon copies.
Not sure how anyone D in a non reactive manner,something I indeed will have to think about.
I forget but do you have any family or were you an only child, not that that has much to do with anything but sometimes helps.
Hope you enjoy some dancing this week end.
(((())))

Naej,
Thanks for worrying about me, but you're right in that some of your worries don't reflect what's going on with me.

I think for many years my spirit was broken, and I walked around in a state of mild depression. I felt embarrassed when my W would mistreat me in front of her relatives. I didn't have the courage to stand up to her, and bought her explanations that my intimacy issues were the problem in the M.

The title of this thread is "Let Everything Happen to You." It means that I can't control all the bad things in life that happen, or how people will treat me. I don't want to put my energy into policing every disrespectful action my W commits.

I feel like I'm growing as fast as I can, so I can't change the pace of events that you describe.

You worry that the situation will overtake and crush me. One of the signature lines on another thread, is to ask for broader shoulders instead of a lighter load. I have those now. I'm in great shape from the dancing, and my physical body reflects the emotional strength I also am acquiring.

I think of a reactive D, as being abrupt, wanting to push away a difficult situation, possessing ill will, being judgmental of self and the spouse, wanting to punish the spouse. I think of D as putting an end to and boundaries around dysfunction, in a kind, intentional, thoughtful, respectful manner. That's the level of maturity and strength I want to attain.

CL

Hi CL, I get some of what you say, I have reservations about not being able to do something about how people treat you.
There is a school of thought that we get what we think we deserve.

As for the speed of change, again I have a feeling that maybe some kind of fear holds you back and I know people that have made dramatic changes very quickly when they have had to and kept them up for years so it doesn't necessarily mean they don't last. I guess you just have to want them enough and really dislike what you have.

Have you and your C traced back to younger days as to how or why you allowed people and or your wife to treat you so badly?
I sense you are a very stubborn man ,I guess that gives you patience but also makes change an alien being to you.
However you perceive your intentions or attitude to D there is no guarantee your wife will see it the same way-infact I am sure of it.
They are pretty high ideals and will take some doing,especially in real life situations.

I am glad your dancing is helping you out in growth in other area's.
You never said about yr family? I understand if you don't want to say.
Take care.

Naej,
Maybe I can explore the childhood issues in my writing, as my focus is on developing the skills to write personal essays. There are some pretty vivid scenes between my parents. I'm specifically working on understanding and writing scenes at this time.

I'm the oldest of three siblings. I'm probably repeating a similar dynamic from my parents. My mother had mood swings, self-esteem issues, and would often be disrespectful to my father. My father was a schoolteacher. He tolerated too much from my mother. I never learned the skills of assertiveness from my father or mother. I didn't develop skills they had gaps in, is probably the simple answer. I have talked about family issues with my IC, but I think a slow, thoughtful, writing process might be more illuminating.

I also seem drawn to memoirs about a protagonist who has a primary person in their life who is dysfunctional. I'm currently reading Occasions of Sin by Sandra Scofield. She writes, "The life my mother led used up everyone around her, and still failed to give her what she wanted." Who does that sound like? Maybe I can also find some answers thru reading memoirs.

Thanks Naej for your concern.

CL

Hi CL. Just wanted you to know I'm still following along....nothing constructive to say at the moment, but remain concerned about you. It sounds like IC is helpful! Happy dancing! Happy writing! Happy finding your strength!

CL,
thank you for answering that, I feel it must have took some strength.
One day you will be an amazing man, that sounds as though you are not now, but I hope you know what I mean.
The writing sounds like an ideal medium to continue your journey of self discovery.
Do make sure you let the sunshine in and see the wonder and beauty of the small stuff.

Naej and Matilda,
My W has been sharing her concern about her dancing friend who is getting a D (OP?). His W is stalling the D, and gave him a ridiculous offer regarding property settlement. My W witnessed domestic violence from his adult children towards her friend. They sped out of there on his motorcycle. He spends the night at our place for respite several nights per week, which I don't mind. My W says that he speaks highly of me.

My W is concerned about his health (high blood pressure, overeating, incipient depression). He has started seeing a therapist, and is returning to regular church attendance. She says that helping him makes her feel useful.

My W wants to take motorcycle riding lessons, and found a place where you can take lessons, and rent a cycle.

She has been putting effort into maintaining her laundry, and cleaning the house. She takes pride in respecting my privacy, and expects me to do the same (I'm still standing
by not snooping into the accidental email message).

She seems to be warming up to the puppy, now that he's settlling into a household routine. One night, when she was bored, and I was going out dancing, I encouraged her to take the dog for a walk.

I continue to dance three nights per week. I'm trying to keep a teacher-student distance with one of the dance teachers, but she keeps flirting (I think) with me. Whatever I say, or gesture seems to tickle her. She keeps saying that she loves me (enjoys me). I'm not sure what her intention is, but mine is to keep her as part of my dance network and enjoy her attention on the dance floor. I don't flirt back, as I don't want to mislead her into thinking I'm available or interested in anything further.

My W is showing signs of wanting to connect via conversation, which makes being roommates more pleasant. I'm still going to keep boundaries around being in public as a couple, until there's some effort on her part to work on the M/herself.

I'm neither standing for the M, nor waiting for my W. I'm setting boundaries around the M, and GAL, trusting that at some point, I'll know when it's time to pursue a D or attempt Piecing.

My protate problem isn't completely resolved, and uncomfortable on some days (fullness in the rectum, frequent urination, discomfort while sitting), but better than it was three weeks ago. I'm into my last week of antibiotics (with a refill), but prefer to save the refill for a relapse. This can be a stubborn problem to treat. Once finished with the antibiotic, I'll switch to an herbal approach, and buy a herbal mixture for the prostate. I've been to a urologist in the past, and he indicated that my symptoms were mild compared to older men, who have to wake up several times during the night (once for me). I think of this as my headache, except it's in my bottom. I guess you can't hide stress from your body.

I understand that others in the MLC community would approach my situation differently, and will express that to me. That's fine, as long as it's respectful, as it helps me to assess my current approach. I posted to Lanzo that I think our actions and speech done with wise intention are more important than where on the confrontation-holding back spectrum our approaches lie.

CL