Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated, Served...still have FAITH!

Jag,

I am sorry that you are here as the rest of us are. What you're feeling is all just part of the roller coaster. I've been at this for over a year and went through all of the pain and suffering you did.

I had my doubts and my bouts of depression, anger, sadness, etc. Then when I thought I was over it, I was knocked on my butt by something my W said or did.

But through it all, I never lost faith as you have labeled this thread. It was not a matter of "if" my W turned around...it was a matter of WHEN my W turned around. That helped me to stay positive and upbeat through it all.

And today my W is here after a separation. We are sleeping in the same bed and maybe, just maybe we'll be able to become intimate once more.

But you have to start with one thing. Having goals. Read and re-read DB and DR about setting small goals. If those don't get achieved, make them smaller until you see those being achieved by your W.

It's obvious your W still has feelings for you but is confused as to how she's feeling. As hard as it is, you need to understand that hurt she's going through from her perspective. And I mean REALLY understand it. It's difficult to explain, but if you stick with it, you'll know true understanding when you get there.

Many here give up before they get to that point, definitely not a weakness. Some stick with it, but still can't get over how their spouse is treating them (thereby not really understanding their S). And some remain patient, let the things their spouse does/says slide off their backs, become truly compassionate to their spouse's needs, GAL and become stronger and confident people that were able to save their M or become comfortable enough in their own skin that the D didn't bother them.

Your W showing emotion is a great sign. She needs space, but continue to be cheerful (as hard as it is) and confident around her. Become the person you were when you were first dating and develop your interpersonal skills so that you truly understand where she's coming from. It's only with this awareness will you be able to create reachable goals to attract her back.

You can do it. PRAYER and PATIENCE my friend. Take it one day at a time. Face your panic attacks head on (we've all gotten them) so that fear is no longer your enemy. Conquer your fear and you'll achieve clarity.

I continue to wish you well my friend.

I'm trying. And I'm not angry at this point, just very sad and frustrated. I have changed but I'm starting to believe its too late. Once she felt or believed the lies and rumors she heard from someone or her friends, I was screwed. She says she wants to be friends BUT she's not making an attempt to even try to talk to me as a friend. I know we wouldn't be able to be buddy buddy but...she doesn't do what she says. Which is a huge problem for me. because I or the kids and I have been doen this road before.

I guess this is a question I should ask her, why don't you do what you say.

Thanks Stuck...

Jag, that line of questioning will get you into an argument. Remember back to high school, when your GF would say, "Let's be friends"? She didn't mean she wanted to be friends, she meant that she didn't want to be your GF any more. The same principle is at play here. right now, she doesn't want to be your friend, she just doesn't want to be your W. You can get back to where you want to be, but if you force the issue or ask the question, you are going to get into an argument.

I hear you...

jaguilar:

I'm a newcomer, and your recent posts have moved me very deeply. You obviously have a lot on your plate, and I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

I just got a copy of DB, and I'm making notes on 3x5 cards to try and keep my strength up throughout the day. My WAW told me 4 weeks ago that she wants a D, & she refuses to attend counseling. I've got no proof, but I'm sure that she is in an EA or PA. It's so frustrating because she was the one who wanted to rush into our marriage, and now she sees no point in even trying to save the M. We have been M for less than 2 years, & we have no kids. No drug/alcohol abuse, physical abuse, gambling, or financial problems. However, since she left me, she drinks 3-4 times a week (to get drunk) and hangs out in bars & nightclubs.

My question to you, is how do you keep going? Where do you find the strength & motivation to keep trying? There is so much information in DB to understand & implement. But when I wake up at 3 a.m., I just can't believe this is happening. How can you stick the 180 rules when the temptation to call or email is overwhelming?

I expect my W to retain a L in the next few weeks, and I just can't bring myself to go the same. It is very admirable how you are able to keep the faith after you have endured so much. How do you keep using DB, and keep believing in its principles during such a trying and stressful time?

Your situation & how you are reacting to it is very inspiring.
Somuch2learn

somuch2learn,

Sorry you are in the situation like the rest of us.

Best thing would be to start your own thread in the Newcomers section. Everyone's sitch is a little different so you'll get more personalized advice that way.

Good luck.

Hey somuch2learn,

My motivation and reason for waking up every day and putting one foot in front of the other are for our 3 kids. They didn't ask for this mess, all they want is mommy and daddy back together. Today, I was cleaning out one of the rooms in our house. The kids found some pictures of the W and I form her 20 yr HS reunion. I coldn't look at them. Later on, I put the kids to bed and I came into the room and my S5 had 2 of the pictures, there of my W and I dancing and hugging, right next to him. Kids, man it tears me up.

I do get down on myself and my sitch. I look at their pics and I get back up on that horse. I may not like what is happening but I'm not going to quit. I'm fighting to keep this M alive. It's a daily struggle and all of us here, learn from one another. No one has every used the word inspiring to me before. I always see how many people view my thread and the others. I hope that whatever I say or someone else says helps them in their sitch.

I'm glad you decided to post. Like Stuck says, post your sitch. Post, read DB and DR and post again. People will read it, follow you and offer some words of advice and encourgement when they feel it is appropriate.

There are some great people here, you'll soon see. Stay strong!

Joey

Ok, had a great weekend. Went shopping with the kids and bought some really nice clothes. D8 picked out my jeanss. She said my old pair had no style. She said I was jacked. Not sure what that means but accoridng her to I'm cool now.

Last night, I had a wild idea. I ripped up the carpet from the stairs and I'm going to sand them, then stain them and then apply a coat of lacquer. No I'm not a handy man but the wife would always jab me for not being handy with a hammer. So here it goes. I also put up a ceiling fan this AM with S5's help. THE FAN WORKED!!!! This AM I volunteered at D8's school for 4 hours.

Now I'm back at work. Good day so far!!!!

stuck808:

Thanks for the advice. Can you tell me how to start a thread? I'm still learning my way around.

Thanks again

Click on the New Topic, upper left hand corner of the topics list. That will let you start your thread...