Business is slow this week, probably while people prepare their taxes. In fact, I need to finish mine --- really keep procrastinating and spending too much time on this board. :-)
I'm seeing some progress with my W (a whole week of positive interactions). It's enough to give me false hope, which is dangerous, I know.
Interestingly, the more positive she is toward me and the more she talks about her own 'reflection' starting to occur, the more I see that I'm way ahead of her on my self improvement and feel good about the direction I'm going.
Now I just need to keep all of this up for another several months and not get depressed by the backslides on either side (which I know will happen).
Question 1: I am invited to my S's school function. When it comes to posturing, do I attend and then excuse myself a bit early (since I did/do have plans afterward)?
Question 2: I finally got my first chance to affirm something my wife said about her behavior and my behavior prior to bomb. Unfortunately, I said something more like "Yeah, I know I was doing X (not talking much)." It was more matter-of-fact than affirming her observation. Was that a blown opportunity to affirm and be constructive, or is my 'yeah I know' attitude close enough?
On Kev's thread you posted - I'm curious if anybody has thoughts on the "script" of undoing ERS.
Yes -I do...its all inside yourself... if you have been doing any work on yourself you will know and have realised that there are things you can do which are "compassionate" without compromising your position...and that might start to erode that "ERS" -that in itself would be a 180-then you can do a 180(2), then a 180(3)...
But MrNG -it has to start from you...and your actions-and they have to be absolutely consistent...
"Question 1: I am invited to my S's school function. When it comes to posturing, do I attend and then excuse myself a bit early (since I did/do have plans afterward)?"
NO!!!! You go and enjoy the WHOLE thing...but be ready to bail out when it becomes difficult with an excuse...but milk it discreetly for all its worth....
"Question 2: I finally got my first chance to affirm something my wife said about her behavior and my behavior prior to bomb. Unfortunately, I said something more like "Yeah, I know I was doing X (not talking much)." It was more matter-of-fact than affirming her observation. Was that a blown opportunity to affirm and be constructive, or is my 'yeah I know' attitude close enough?"
It probably was a blown opportunity...but its gone, forget it!...just rehearse what you would say if the opportunity came up again...
If a WAS appears to be 'on the fence' and confused about where to take their life next, I wonder if 'showing tail lights' would do any good? That is, showing that I'm moving beyond W with new friends, new travel, 1-on-1 'friend' outings, et cetera. I'm already GAL'ing, but haven't really talked about it much with W.
I guess in answering my own question, 'would do any good' for whom? (me, I suppose)
Tonight I had a school function for my S6. W and I went in separate cars and pretty much didn't talk much the whole time. She asked me a few questions and I just gave short answers. I couldn't seem to muster even a smile around her tonight. I didn't feel sick, but it was like I was jumping out of my skin - not nervous or sad around her, I kept thinking about how much fun I had with my new friends the night before and how being around W just sucked. I wanted to bolt out the door the whole time.
Then I recalled W telling me awhile back that she felt like her 'skin was crawling' constantly around me for months prior to the bomb and that she wanted to flee. I guess I finally felt the same thing she has for awhile. I'm not complaining about the new feeling, just observant of how bad it must have been for her.
It's like my mind finally turned it around so that I wasn't the victim anymore, I was consciously feeling... I don't know, not necessarily in control, but clearly sensing that I could make my own choices and be happier without her. (yeah, I know, grass is greener), but it wasn't like I had another ship to jump onto, it was just that I felt like the ship I was on was burning underneath me.
