Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

I would love to - anyway to contact him to get him to pop by?

He will stop by eventually. In the mean time check out his post on AFWAW thread.

"That's why it's painful...."

The feeling will soon pass the more you detach. Right now you haven't had the chance to detach because you talk to her all the time.

When she stops calling...that's when the anger is going to set in.

I agree with what was said earlier. Stay upbeat and strong when around her, but don't be always accessible. I would say that you haven't even gone "dim" yet because when you do, she accuses you of being "cold". Then you feel guilty and answer all her calls.

Do you see how she's pulling your strings. That's why I'm afraid that once she finds someone else to fill her emotional void, she's going to drop you like a bad habit.

Stay dim now and do not let her actions or reactions control what you do. Live your own life.

Although it's hard to see, she's obviously missing you but won't admit it to herself. It kind of makes you wonder why she felt the need to "escape" from the home when she calls all the time.

I think part of my problem is I try to be Dim/Dark when I do see her - which is why she thinks I am cold. That's when I'm talking to her (either in person or on a call) and all I'm saying is "Oh" or "OK" and not much after that.

I don't answer every call/email/text. When I do answer them, I typically wait about 30 minutes.

I think I understand the balance is don't be accessible 100% of the time (DIM/Dark), but when I do see her, make sure I portray the "Integrated Man" and try to go back to DIM/Dark as quickly as possible

It's a tricky balance but I know this is my last shot.....

"That's when I'm talking to her (either in person or on a call) and all I'm saying is "Oh" or "OK" and not much after that."

There's nothing wrong with saying "oh" or "ok" when you have nothing else to say. The thing is that now she's trying to control what you say. If you have nothing to say, you have nothing to say. You don't have to apologize for it. Don't even think about it going dim/dark. You shouldn't have to start monitoring every word that comes out of your mouth when talking to her. Don't worry, it's perfectly natural and part of the paranoia we feel when dealing with our WASs. I still have times when I worry that if I say the wrong thing, my W will go running out the door again. Paranoia is what it is.

"I think I understand the balance is don't be accessible 100% of the time (DIM/Dark), but when I do see her, make sure I portray the "Integrated Man" and try to go back to DIM/Dark as quickly as possible"

Exactly! But don't keep thinking it's your last shot. That's what's been hampering your efforts from day one. The time clock that you put on this is making you anxious. Remember it takes AT LEAST one month for every year together approx. IF both you and W work hard at it. Since you're nowhere near that point yet, you have to stop thinking about the June deadline. Things can be postponed or cancelled.

Keep that in mind.

Hi,

You might want to check out AFWAW's thread -- Gucci has posted advice to him that I think would fit your sitch.

Also check out Smiley Person's thread - there was a good discussion about dropping the rope there.

Gucci to the rescue.....

I follow your thread daily confused.......

We need to be careful here because I don't view your situation the same as AFWAW's. The reason being we don't yet have a confirmation of an OM at this point.

I find it interesting that you keep talking about how you both need to communicate. I don't see how both of you could communicate any more or any better than you are right now..

Let's recap..

SHE has called you practically every day right?

The talk has been of this and that and chit chat and you have politely ended the call first right?

She has vented about work, she has told you she wanted to meet regarding the birthday party and she called to ask if you wanted her to pick up the youngest son and MEET YOU at the park right?

SHE suggested pizza and SHE followed up to ask what the plan was for that night right?

She called you after the game and told you this right?..




You then said this right?



She then said this right?



She also told you this right?





Confused. WHY are you complaining? You two ARE communicating just fine. What you are doing IS communication. She tells you her feelings, then you respond back with your feelings. Confused, this is what we call COMMUNICATION. ALLOW her to feel whatever she feels. Allow her to say whatever she has to say.
Just BE. The communication is just fine.

NOW.. What areas could you improve upon?



Don't say these types of things. Quit bringing up how you both need to communicate. Quit bringing up all this past "communication" garbage. Quit bringing up saying things like "So now that I do, she doesn't want to so it feels like we haven't been able to give our relationship a chance"

She IS giving this a chance. You are so busy analyzing and getting therapy that you are not enjoying the new relationship that is developing. RELAX. Enjoy that she is calling you almost every day. You are getting too deep in this psycho analyzation stuff that it is even confusing me. You two are FINALLY getting along pretty well here are you not? ENJOY the moment.


The following quote from her says a lot better than I have on what she is thinking about how she view this analyzing of every move and YOU trying to keep bringing up the subject of "communication"..... READ IT CAREFULLY...




Did you not pick up on the fact that she just told you in the way only a woman can tell a man? Let me decipher...

What she meant...."Quit bringing up all this therapy type "communciation" and mumbo jumbo about what we need to do to communicate and why don't we JUST talk like normal people do?

GET IT?

However... Read again what YOU said to her statement..



You see? There you went AGAIN. It sounds like you are PREACHING. Women don't respond well to preaching.

To your comment, she then said this..




Now.. Isn't that the SAME THING I just told you?

Just be. You ARE communicating just fine. She IS pursuing you.
She seems to have the door open a small crack right now. Just talk to her, be nice (as you have been) and let her do most of the talking.. Just make sure you are listening. It is okay to keep ending the conversation. Don't be rude. She hasn't been mad about that anyway. She WAS mad because she offered the pizza and to spend time with you and the boys. I think her anger was fairly justified in this case. Next time she does something like that, just email her back and say something like...."Hey pizza sounds like a good idea. I was thinking of that myself. I will meet you at the park and I will have the pizza." It really was rude to eat the pizza without her being there. By your own admission, you admit that the plan was to have pizza.

However. Just apologize like this.. Mrs Confused, you are right to be angry about the pizza deal. I am sorry and it is MY FAULT.
(and then shut up and move on and let it be) That's it.

Double what GL said.

Gucci - thanks for keeping up with me. As you can see, I can really make a mess of things by overthinking things.

You are right. This actually came up last nite because a couple of nites before she moved out, I had talked to her mom during a very down moment for me and one of the things I had lamented about was how I was afraid that she was really leaving for someone else. My wife and I had talked about this a couple of times in the past and don't feel that's the case, but I could never be 100% sure. So last nite, we talked about it again how she says there is no one else and that is something that she would/could never do while we were still married. I believe her as that was what her dad did to her mom so she really thinks that is a horrible thing to do.



Now I really feel dumb - we really are communicating now. It just seems like I'm not recognizing it. That was never the case in the past. But I see it now....



So should I stay DIM/Dark or should I do a little more "pursuing" (i.e. calling her to say good nite)?

Another thing that had come up in last nite's conversation, was that when she called in tears, I told her that I was actually glad she called as I had wanted to call her but was trying to respect her space and boundaries. She then said that if I wanted to call, I should just call. If she didn't want to talk or was too busy to talk, she would just tell me.

I wasn't sure how to take that. My therapist would tell me not to call as that would just put her in a position to reject me again and give her the power.

Any thoughts?

I would continue to give her space and not really call unless necessary. Otherwise, what's the point of her moving out?

Actually from the way the two of you were getting along, talking/massaging, etc. moving out really didn't make much sense. She had to "escape" from something.

Give her some time to sort things out on her own.