Hey Mark -- think of it this way: the limited format of the SMS will make it very easy to be a man of few words: BTW IMHO D SHLD SAY PLZ B4 GT OWN MBL ACCT.
I had a call from my wife this morning saying she had been sent the divorce papers from the court I had signed sent to her. She complained I answered one question that asked if I was contesting the divorce which I answered 'no' to. The question asks for a reason why the respondent (me) does not wish to pay towards costs. I answered by saying 'I do not want the divorce'. She took that as me attempting to halt proceedings and she went on to say "that would suit you, a 5 year seperation". She then went on say what a stupid thing to write blah, blah, blah. In the past I would have blown my top and had a row about it, particularly as she was being nasty. I calmly told her not to worry about something that had not even happened. What do you make of it?
Also, I read on a sitch where JCJ says women lose respect for H's when they do not stand up for themselves, like it is some sort of test. I am confused as my new behaviour towards my wife is a 180 so I need to know when to stand my ground and when to let it go. I want to reconcile but being seperated, not much communication - only negative stuff is making this very hard.
I am also considering something Portland Dad said about bills ets. I currently pay the mortgage, all households bills etc, while my W pays her share of the visa bill and stuff for the children. I currently do not pay maintenance but Portland said a WAS should pay bills etc before the D goes through to show her what it is going to be like. What should she pay considering she would not have enough money for the mortgage, should she pay the standard gas, electric, phone etc? I am moving back to the house in 11 weeks when she moves out to go to her mothers house. After that we split for good. What should I do?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Please could someone advise me on my last post. I also need advice on the financial implications. In priciple I have agreed to a settlemant that in hindsight I do not feel comfortable with. As I have changed my mind a couple of times it makes me look indesisive, also one of the reasons is the property market by November when my wife takes over the mortgage will better than it is know, and my share will be worth even less.
I do not want to cause another argument for reconcilliation reasons, and also more of the indesisive me. What is the best way to play this? If you read my last post there is finance questions there to.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/19/0906:25 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Firstly, please could someone advise me on my last two posts.
I always feel worst in the morning before I get out of bed. All my problems, my fears for now and the future, not seeing my children everyday and now my wife involved in a full blown PA.
I cannot get out of my mind what she is doing and who she is doing it with, I am having real problems focusing on the positive as much as I am trying I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. My wife all of a sudden seems happy with life, it is obvious as to why, she is now going out more often, new clothes, she is reading 'The Secret' about PMA and all in all everything seems to be rosy for her.
I feel bitter, lonely, all the worst parts of LBS. I do not wish to sound so weak and feeble but I am having real problems coming to terms with all of this and it is now 4 months since this whole nightmare started. I do not portray this to anybody anymore as I put on a happy face and tell people everything is great including my wife. The problem I have is if she thinks I am over her she will assume I am ok with the situation and will not feel any guilt over what she is doing now. The anger towards me seems to have been lifted, but is this because we are seperated and her affair has now moved to the next stage and she does not care anymore, or is it because her guilt has now passed because I openly show I look ok?
I know I have to be patient but this whole nightmare is ripping me apart inside. Please could someone just respond as I really need some support.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I sympathize and understand where you are coming from. I am new to this so can't offer too much advice. I will say this though. From reading another book, it gave me the idea to look at the relationship as an outsider and write down the positives of it and the negatives. Right now your spouse only sees the negatives and you are only looking at the positives. It kind of gives you a perspective and helps you detach if you look at the whole of the relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you peace in your heart.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I will try and do that, though I feel my wife is looking at the positives and I am looking at the negatives as I am in a very dark place at the moment.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I have just had a face to face row with my wife over money again. She re-iterated she could not give me any more money from the property, which after discussion makes financial sense. I should have worked it out better instead of going in like a like a bull in a china shop. She was very angry and then she moved on to the fact that if it wasn't for me we would not be in this position. She said I never loved her, helped her financially or emotionally, the same old stuff really, and now I wish I had not have said anything. I have backslid badly here, especially after being told by my wife her friend saw me yesterday to talk to, and I seemed really happy. My wife again said she cannot trust me, I assume it is because I keep changing my mind about money, which makes me look indesisive and weak as well. I validated her reasons for the money split and looked her in the eyes when I said it. She also said I have now neglected the house when it is still my responsibility, which is true, but should I, and if I did I should do it for me, but I want to please her as well. The right thing to do I have read is treat your spouse like your best friend - If my best friend asked me to help with the garden I would. Trouble is I do not want to look like a doormat.
I told her I was cancelling my golf trip in the summer which was a reason she cited me for divorce would you believe. I told her it was so I could take the children skiing in the winter, now this is a big 180 for me as I never missed my golf trip in 13 years so I hope she can see my priorities have changed. She said my FIL would probably like to come as he always has as a family, my wife said he will come as long as I do not keep giving her problems. I then said I might take somebody else, she said "what friend would want to go on a skiing holiday with two children"? I then said I might take somebody else, she then said "if you have a girlfriend by then, I don't think it would be very appropriate". I did not respond to this comment.
What should I do to repair the damage I have done here, I was condemplating sending her a text stating my love for her, because she sounded so sure I don't because of the way I have treated her? Should I contact her at all?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
So, what is your strategy for the moment? List it and then look at if what you are doing is making the situation worse, keeping the status quo or if you are seeing signs of improvement.
You are torturing yourself at the moment and it isn't good for you. As One Day said the only person that you are affecting is yourself. I do know that feeling of waking up with dread in the mornings. I used to, and sometimes still do, experience that myself. It will pass I promise.
List what you are doing to make yourself the greener grass in terms of being the best father you can be and some ideas to make yourself the best husband you can be?
It will help you to be more proactive in this way and to formulate your 'strategy'.
edit - Just seen your last post. Leave it for now. Do not do anything rash. Have a proper think on it. I'll respond a bit later. In the meantime think on my questions. You need to focus.
