Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

Thanks - I'm not actually buying a tri-bike. Sticking with the racking bike form, but still, I'm pretty excited

Got the bike I wanted...

Fast new racing bike == Happy Thinker!

Now if only the weather would cooperate

Journaling:

Uneventful weekend: No fights, no R discussions, no changes. Some affection, some tension. Crappy weather - lots of rain. I worked out, shopped, hung out with a friend. She worked, worked out, shopped, had coffee with friends. We watched a movie together. We played with the kids.

My mind runs away from me sometimes: is she really off with a friend, or with OM? Is she really working, or is she emailing OM. As far as I can tell, it's all in my mind. No indications to the contrary except my own paranoia.

As someone here on the boards said, "It's impossible to ever prove that something is not happening."

I am slowly detaching from the A. I am determined not to snoop any more - It makes me crazy.

Reposting this here from SmileysPerson's Thread



Thanks for the advice Lucky. I am really struggling with how to get started here, mainly because I am reluctant to move too fast and drive her away.

We are friendly and cooperative around the house and together, but there is still a wall of tension up between us. We both feel it. There is a lot of built up anger there inside of her, and well-learned fear of rejection inside of me.

As far as passionate kisses, right now there are none. If I initiate a peck on the lips, she pecks back, which is better than a couple of months ago when she would turn and I would get her cheek. If I try to linger or kiss more passionately, she looks disturbed and asks me to stop. She says she "just can't". I know her - she is a kisser, loves to kiss, loves to be kissed, etc, but for her kissing is more intimate than ML and she can't get past her current internal emotions.

I also have to be careful with the compliments. I do tell her that she is beautiful, and really try to be specific - I like her hair that way, or the new jeans look great or that shirt brings out her eyes, etc. As soon as it gets beyond complimentary and becomes flirty, she shuts me down. If, for example I say (as she is headed out all dressed up) "Man you look hot tonight" , she shuts me down again and I hear later (in MC) that when I say it she feels pressured "like I am expecting something from her and she just can't")

Dates and occasional flowers, we go on dates regularly and I do bring flowers occasionally. If I make the dates too romantic or the flowers too frequent, she starts to feel overwhelmed.

She initiated ML once recently, which was a real surprise for me, but is still much of the time not responsive, which has made me very hesitant to initiate. It is a classic problem. Physical Affection is how I feel and express love - so of course when I was traveling a lot and working long hours, in the few hours I was with her all I wanted to do was... I think that over the years she had sex with me too many times without feeling love herself and now she is just angry (at herself) and resentful (at me).

So anyway, I am thinking that I have to move slowly, and start bringing more of what you were referring to as "the tone" into the R. I have to get our R to be more sensual and intimate, without making sex a pressure or an obligation.

The only problem is that I am not very good at understated sensuality. I have to learn, and am open to ANY suggestions.

I am also not used to being directly and openly aggressive sexually (Call it "Nice Guy", repressed, or whatever you want). I have recently realized that this probably bored and frustrated my W (and me...) but it also makes it doubly difficult for me to be openly aggressive now when the underlying comfort and security is not there.

just too much Thinking...

Thinker:

Just read through this thread, including your intro post.

You have done SO WELL with GALing and DBing, with counseling and reading and learning. Oh my goodness. Your efforts WILL pay off.

Definitely read Schnarch. You will learn a ton!

It sounds as if you need to focus on building your emotional connection and trust for a bit. Perhaps in the past, you were friendly roommates and you would go in for the kill whenever you desired, and then she would oblige even though she wasn't feeling loved enough on a regular basis to be warmed up. An EA gave her just what she wasn't getting from you - emotional connection and passion.

So, non-sexual touching, eye contact, and talk about enough things outside of the R so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed and pressured. Keep taking her out on dates, keep telling her you love her, keep complimenting her as long as all of what you are saying are true feelings (she can smell flattery just for flattery's sake.)

I'm not surprised at her snide remarks about you needing books to know how to be in a R. She just wants you to know what to do. I wouldn't push the LL test on her any more, or any other test for that matter. Do the work yourself, and let things happen naturally for her for now.

It is good that you are still DBing, as it might take some time for her to believe in your changes and truly commit to working with you. MC is GREAT for you two -- definitely keep that up!

Lucky

I haven't used those words since December, when I first read DB, backed off and stopped pursuing.

Right now, I am afraid to. No matter how much I feel it and want to say it, I'm afraid that they will only be perceived as pressure to reciprocate.

That's crazy. Say it without lingering then, or with a smile and a peck on your way out the door.

It wasn't that long ago that when I said those words, she would look distressed and reply "I just don't feel that way about you" or "I can't love you the way you want to be loved"

So be ready with a loving reply: "I didn't tell you I loved you to hear anything in return. Just wanted to tell you for my sake."