I have been trying to work out my W's Love Language(s) - trying various things to see which get's a reaction.
Often we love on each other with our own LLs. How does your W show you and others love? Then try doing those things for her.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have been trying to work out my W's Love Language(s) - trying various things to see which get's a reaction.
Often we love on each other with our own LLs. How does your W show you and others love? Then try doing those things for her.
I've been working on that.
The only conclusion that I can draw there is that she is pretty balanced - much more so than I. She focuses much more on gifts (for everyone), she does a lot of "acts of service" for her friends, she really used to ask for quality time from me and needs it from her friends. Affirming words is the only one I don't really see.
Now that I have asked, I'll wait to see if she actually takes the test, and if so, what the answers are.
Last edited by Thinker; 04/28/0906:51 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, Just wanted to stop by and say congratulations on the positive momentum. Two steps forward and one back is not uncommon, but ML after all that time is like 100 steps forward, you have to expect some pulling away because of confusion. I've been following you all along, and we have similar struggles, and I am always happy when I read about someone getting a breakthrough because of DB'ing. It gives me hope and inspiration to keep on keepin on.
I had a guys night out all planned and it just fell through. To make things worse, because I was going to be gone, my W planned a date here with Toxic Happy Divorced BFF (THBFF?), so now I am here at home with the two of them and no real reason to go out.
Oh well, time to go join them and "shine".
Queue the music..."I feel good!..."
Last edited by Thinker; 04/28/0909:43 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Why not go out and do something on your own? Grab a good book or your laptop and go have a coffee. See a movie. Take a walk with no destination in mind and force yourself to find something interesting to do or see on your walk. Treat yourself to dinner. Take a bike ride.
Why not go out and do something on your own? Grab a good book or your laptop and go have a coffee. See a movie. Take a walk with no destination in mind and force yourself to find something interesting to do or see on your walk. Treat yourself to dinner. Take a bike ride.
Probably should have, but it just didn't work out that way. Next time...
Thanks for the reminder CityGirl
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I have been trying to work out my W's Love Language(s) - trying various things to see which get's a reaction. Also trying to remember what used to work and what sort of things she used to do for me to get an idea. So far no real luck. I think that currently things are / have been emotionally confused so that her real LL's have been obscured. ie, it may be gifts, but she does not react positively to gifts FROM ME right now.
I took a chance while we were eating lunch and asked her if she would take the LL test. She responded as I would have predicted: rolling her eyes, looking generally disgusted, and asking if this was "something I got out of a book". She then agreed to take it.
Well, she got the email, but this evening told me that she didn't take it (and most likely never will) because she just didn't feel like it.
I kind of expected that. It was pursuing and pressure.
She really does respond very negatively to absolutely any kind of structured approach to R's. Similar to the way she once told me "I don't want to tell you what is wrong in our R because then you are just going to try to fix it", I think she feels that if she tells me what she needs or wants in the way of love, then I am going to do that, and that would be a way of manipulating her.
oops! Time to back off and give her space again...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
She really does respond very negatively to absolutely any kind of structured approach to R's. Similar to the way she once told me "I don't want to tell you what is wrong in our R because then you are just going to try to fix it", I think she feels that if she tells me what she needs or wants in the way of love, then I am going to do that, and that would be a way of manipulating her.
[complaining] You know, this really bothers me. I feel that the issues separating us are relatively minor and mostly involve just communicating better. We still have a lot in common and get along well.
If we could just work through the issues with a structured approach, I think we could get past these things and...
Why can't she just... [/complaining]
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"she really used to ask for quality time from me and needs it from her friends".
This is her love language. Think about the things that she has begged the most from you.
Believe it or not I am a physical touch person and have begged my husband for years for sex and touch. He is a quality time person. He has begged me for years to show interest in him and to do things with him. Didn't get it! We spent so much time together, but it wasn't quality time. *sigh*
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
"she really used to ask for quality time from me and needs it from her friends".
This is her love language. Think about the things that she has begged the most from you.
Believe it or not I am a physical touch person and have begged my husband for years for sex and touch. He is a quality time person. He has begged me for years to show interest in him and to do things with him. Didn't get it! We spent so much time together, but it wasn't quality time. *sigh*
I think you are right goingtofixME. I think they are all important to her, but in different ways. I used to hear all the time that I worked too much, that I wasn't there for her, etc. We used to take weekend vacations, go biking, go hiking etc etc but that all died when we had kids and bought a house that needed fixing up. After that, she kept saying "I need a vacation", "You are always working on the house" etc. I now realize that she was asking for love in her own language - quality time. What I kept hearing was complaints about things that we could neither change nor afford.
I think gifts are also important to her, as is Physical Touch, but maybe less so. She is a very physical person, and loves to be massaged, etc. She backs off on this one if she is not feeling connected, whereas I try to use this one to build a connection, so this is probably not her primary.
She is very light on praise and thanks for other people (especially me) and has never really vocalized appreciation to me, so I don't think Affirming words is high on her list.
I think that Service is also there for her, but not at the top. She has built up a lot of resentment in this area because it was missing (ie I did not help out enough around the house - more than most men, but still not enough) I think this is more of a dissatisfier ("Love Buster") than a Love Language for her.
So "Quality Time" it is, with Gifts and Physical touch as 2nds.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
