Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

I'd say don't call. Not having your support 24/7 is one of the consequences of her actions.

"I saw her tonite at my 3 year old's baseball. I tried to be cordial and polite but it was hard as just seeing her hurt."

Why does that bother you? She's been claiming that you are the cause of her pain. Let her go through it. Try not to show anything on your face when dealing with her.

DO NOT call her to see how she is. She has to experience what it's like when you're not there as her crutch.

Well she wound up calling me in tears

She said that she felt I was really cold to her tonite. She said I made her feel like she didn't belong there with me and the boys. She was also upset how we couldn't/didnt communicate the plans very well so she wound up eating cold pizza as the boys and I were already done eating.

She said if that was they way I was going to treat her, she didn't think there was any reason to ever see me again.

She then got into some past stuff of how she was tired of living a lie of how she was pretending she was happy and just couldn't do it any more. She seemed thoroughly confused and emotional.

I stopped her before she got too far about the past and said "There were things I said that I shouldn't have said. There were thing I didn't say but should have said. There were things I did that I shouldn't have done and there are things I didn't do that I should have. I know that and I've appologized for that enough. I understand things differently know but now and have been trying to show her that right up to when she left me. Now that she left me, I really didn't know how I should treat her. She had left me because she needed time and space to heal so I was trying to give it to her."

She said that I could/should treat her the way I want to treat her how I want to and if its not comfortable for her she would say so.

She said then talked about how I questioned why she didn't seem upset about the loss of the marriage. She said she feels its because she felt she was losing me and the marriage 2 years ago. She went through all the grief and sadness then. Now she's at the acceptance so that's why she's not all sad.

I told her that was part of our problem. We couldn't communicate that I knew what the problem was nor the severity of the problem so I didn't know what to work on. So now that I do, she doesn't want to so it feels like we haven't been able to give our relationship a chance

I said that we both agreed this is not where we wanted our relationship to be. But I accept that our old marriage/relationship is over. What we need to decide is what kind of relationship we want in the future. She knows I want a husband and wife relationship but not like what we had, but a better one

She then said that before we can get to the point of talking about the hard/difficult stuff like our relationship, she feels we need to get to the point where we can talk about just regular stuff (ie about the kids and other tactical stuff). I said that communication is the issue betwen us and we need to talk about how do we do that. She said we just need to "practice" it and see how it goes and work on it from there.

We talked for 45 minutes before I finally said it was getting late. We said goodnite and she said we would talk tomorrow.

I just don't understand what she's doing or heading at. Maybe she doesn't either.

I think I got too carried away with Dark/Dim so I became too cold. I need to really fine tune this

I wound up sending her a text later that evening as she had given me the summer clothes for the boys. I asked if they needed to be washed first.

She called me back right away and told me that she had washed it all already because she thought I might not have the chance to wash them before the boys would need them. I thanked her and was about to say good nite when she started to chat again.

I let her go for a couple of minutes and then told her that it was getting late so I had to get to bed.

I really need help with the Dark/Dim. I don't want to be used as a crutch to help her along until she finds someone else. I don't want to come off as a cold jerk either.

So when she starts talking about how busy her week was or something like that, how can I respond? I've tried a couple of oh's and ok's and then I have to get going as I'm in the middle of something but that been coming accross wrong.

We're suppose to go to the game together next Weds again and that Friday my oldest is throwing out the first pitch at a minor league game so she wants us to go together again. How should I treat her? I was originally just being dark/dim the first 4 weeks and then afterwards see how it goes from there.

So confused.....

Why it hurt me is this whole situation of not giving us a chance. Seeing her is a brutal reminder of the mess we got ourselves in. It's also a reminder of the impact to the kids and all of our lives.

That's why it's painful....

Looks like we're going to do lunch today.

I want to just keep the conversation strictly about planning the B'day party, but I know she will be chit chatting about other stuff. I don't want to come accross as a cold jerk again, but don't know how to be Dark/Dim otherwise.

I reread DB last nite and it said don't be cold or a jerk, but didn't get much more beyond that in the LRT section. Any suggestions? I'm going to meet her for lunch in an hour...

Anybody?

Remember that triangle of Nice Guy, Jerk, and Integrated Man?

Be that Integrated Man.

Whenever you have contact with her, treat her like someone you respect and care about a lot. Be a gentleman. Be strong, confident, someone she would want to be around BUT...do not give her that luxury. Minimal contact/be at your most attractive.

As little contact as you can manage, but high quality when you do.

Don't be cold to her. Be BRIEFLY friendly, upbeat, supportive. Then say "okay I gotta run, I am meeting a friend" etc.

Emphasis on BRIEF.

SF,

Thanks for the reminder - I'm going have to go back to your original post and reread it. That was a great analogy.

Guess I was taking Dark/Dim too far to the point of even when I saw her or she called/emailed me.

I had a good lunch with her. We talked about the prep work for the B'day party and who was going to take care of what. Then we did chit chat about various other things (she did most of the chit chatting about work and other stuff).

We shall see how it goes.

Thanks again for checking in.

C - You should have Gucci give you some pointers on this. He has a great playbook.

B