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(((((Fallgirl)))))

I think you've got it! Once you realize that DBing is more about you than it is your partner you can really make progress! The changes that you CAN see are really big. I'd say for only being three weeks in you are doing great!

Yes, I am pretty far down the road. I've pretty much run off the road! I'm not getting the result we all come here hoping for, but I am satisfied that it is the right result for us. And, all things considered, that's a success. I never thought of my thread as showing the light at the end of the tunnel.... but I'm glad it was helpful for you!

(((((Fallgirl)))))

To answer your question on Alexander's thread....

Yes, I've been going to IC since last spring. The biggest thing I think it did for me was let me see that it wasn't all my fault. That I wasn't unreasonable to want things to be different. C thinks W would benefit from some C herself, but that's not going to happen. I started C because I was feeling depressed. My doc gave me a quick survey which agreed, and of course I did some on-line surveys that agreed. So, I went ahead and went. That was a big step for me, but very helpful.

Thanks Jeff for pointing me back to my own thread. I`m learning all the time in this DB game-getting the hang of these boards is part of it!

Well, its up again, down again, up again in this game, as you know all too well. I hit a low yesterday but today I`m back on form again.

My challenge for the day was to attend a party on my own. It was a gathering at a friend`s house to celebrate her daughter`s First Holy Communion-so lots of kids, couples(grrrr!)family relatives of the girl in attendance. And I was going alone.

I wasn`t looking forward to it and I know it`s something I have to get used to. and that`s where my DBing efforts paid off.

I`m looking better. Clothes, hair, make up all good.So that immediately sets off a wave of compliments. Or at the very least, some positive attention.

And I`ve learnt to be calm. Such a great lesson! Although I enjoy social interaction, I can get quite tense. But all the mediations, calming exercises, and especially my realising that I am fine and all is well in my world have given me an extra kick of confidence that`s made all the difference.

So I really really enjoyed my evening. Getting a positive response from other people(and none of the company this evening know my sitch)reminds me that hey, I`m okay.

So, I can keep on DBing for another day!

Really thinking of going to a counsellor too, though. Just to take pressure of my sis and one gf who`ve been over loaded with my crap, and to give me a perspective on my journey. Thanks for your insight on that one, Jeff.

Must do the on-line survey thingy too though. Will strongly consider anti ds this coming winter.I`ve everything else sorted except for companionship and physical affection so I think I`ll get some anti-loneliness and anti-libido pills while I`m at it!

Oh, and I have my own thread! I never thought of it like that! So this is where I can come update, vent and hey, maybe even announce our M is back on track! Right? That would be great as it`ll help me track progress too.

G`night!

(((((Fallgirl)))))

You sounds GREAT! It really sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself. Knowing that you are ok is really big.

I've been doing ADs for the part year or so. I'm no convinced they are making a huge difference, but I am not convinced they are not helping, either. So much other stuff has been changing, it is really had to say what is cause and effect! But I think I am feeling better, whatever the reason.

Yep, your thread is kind of your "home" in cyberspace!

I`m actually a whole LOT calmer than I was. I`m so glad I didn`t rise to the bait when H tried to take over the master bedroom. And I didn`t talk about that incident with him at all(a 180 for me).

Everyone tells me I`m looking heaps better. I`m paying more attentio to me and that has boosted my self confidence. My kids are happier. I realise that maybe they don`t see their Dad as a brooding monster like I do;he can be happier around them than he is around me.I am just so glad I`ve made a firm decision never to criticize him but to say only positive things about him.

I didn`t go to H`s doctor for as Jack 3 Beans pointed out I`m not his mother and yes, H would be mad if he knew I went. Insead I`ve left dinner for him. No not presented on a plate, but there`s always something in the pot for him if he wants it(he eats later than us) and I`m not insulted either if he ignores it.


Progress on his part? V little. He did say no, thanks when I offered him a pancake last night. Well, the thanks bit was progress.


He chose not to ask me to come down to his family gathering with the kids. But that was a plus for me as I was glad of the rest!

He is looking better-not as tired I think. But hey, I`m not his mother!


He is loo

Not making any progress at all R. If anything H is getting more entrenched in his anger. I`m not sure why that is. Maybe he doesn`t like me being happy. Maybe he doesn`t like the fact that I`m going to a dinner dance without him this Saturday(Yes, I asked if he wanted a ticket;he said No). Or that I`ve started bringing home my work laptop to surf on(he used to check up on what I was doing on the PC). Or that we`ve got two wedding invites in the post and while I`d take him along, he probably doesn`t want to take me. I can go alone too. I`m okay with that. Whatever. Anyway he`s back to not even saying Goodbye in the mornings and refuses to eat the dinner I`ve left for him.I asked him if he got wet during his bike ride the other night(out of concern) he said no and the kids said Yes Dad you did! (Didn`t want to admit it to me. Silly stuff)

So maybe I won`t bust this divorce. We`ll hang out like this maybe til the kids reach college(another ten years)I don`t have the heart to take him away from the kids and boot him out or leave myself.

And in lots of ways at this point(thanks to my detaching myself from him through LRT) I`m living a much fuller happier life. Don`t know if I ever can love him anymore but I sure am happy being me.

I`m re reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It`s one terrific book especially for this point in my life. It just gets me stuck into what/where/how I`m at right NOW. And the answer to what things are like right now is that life is good! There are so many incredible things going on all around me!I`m meditating and back doing yoga again too. Just what I need to haul me (gently!) up by the bootstraps.

Yes, I`d love a loving relationship with another man but hey,who`s life is perfect? I`m very careful to tell my kids I love them and spend time with them and they do, despite evidence of a loving relationship between their parents, seem okay. I sure hope so. I do try not to worry about that-what is the point?-but I hope they are not too badly affected by all of this.

This week I focussed on being unpredictable-stuff H could see and some stuff just for me. Just having fun being different. Changing my daily routine.Have to plan of action to dig me out of this cheeseless tunnel next week. Dunno even if it is a cheeseless tunel;H seems to have a bizarre mindset that I must suffer and feel his pain in order for him to like, and then condemn me.

Yes, it does sound like too much hard work...

Hi Fallgirl!
Happy Mother's Day! You do sound like you are doing well. Keep at it. Your H may be surprised (and sad?) that you are doing well with out him as your focus. If so, at some point he may just start taking an interest in you again, so be patient and let it ride a bit longer before changing things.

Take care!

Thanks for the encouragment K! I really can do would all I can get from here particularly while I wind down from keeping my real time support buddies from being bored to death with this struggle!

Just hope I`m doing everything the best possible way in terms of giving the M a chance. Especially given all the damage I unwittingly did to it in the past! Ah hindsight!

So feel free to giving me a piece of your mind,anyone, if you think I could be doing better!

Last night I went to a dinner dance without H. Asked him if he needed a ticket but he said No. Of course I would have prefered to have had him there but I wasn`t going to let his absence stop me going out there and enjoying myself. There were a lot of people there whom I really wanted to catch up with.

H was surprised that I was going. Angry even. After he realised I was going he said a couple of little things just to rise me-"I`m taking next week off and I`m going up. DS13 has to be taken to football on Thursday and Friday" I just said "That`s okay"

This morning -after the dinner dance-he eventually asked how it went. I said it was great and mentioned a couple of people who were there. He said "I`d say they were all talking about me" I said"They weren`t all talking about you. someone did ask where you were but I said you were babysitter" "That was a silly thing to say" he said. Well should I have told them the truth them I thought but I bit my tongue. His tone was quite defensive at this point. "God knows what you`re telling people" he said.

I just said nothing.

Now the above conversation though on the face of it negative actually was the longest one we`ve had in four weeks.I try to keep things light and about the kids, never about R. Maybe it marks a shift in for H: he finally might get that I can go on without him.

I do think I missed a key DB opportyunity. I should have validated his feelings without agreeing with him and said"I see you are very angry. I`m sorry about that. I hope you get a good break next week" I was anxious not to go into the tit for tat dance when he accused me of blabbing. Yes, there are three friends who know about this but they are all very clear that my aim is to save the M(even if I`m not very clear about that aim all of the time...) and are very supportive.

Should I say something to him now to acknowledge his hurt? Or leave things as they are? Is it going too much towards R talk of I do?

Hi Fallgirl,
I think the next time the opportunity presents itself with H needing validation, you'll be ready. I don't know if I'd do the validation later, after the moment has passed, unless H brings it up again..

My H got a bit paranoid early on(feeling that he had a red A-for adultery- on his forehead)when going out alone with the girls to school functions-he had one particular night where I think he had an anxiety attack and perceived all of the teachers and people we know avoiding him and snubbing him(none of them had a clue that H and I were separated). So I think from my experience with H that the guilt is there, and they shift what the can onto the spouse as if its our fault that people might talk about them/judge them... One reason its best to keep things to yourself if possible..