Of course I read it all! You never know what important tidbits I might pick up!
I think your H is feeling guilt, but clearly he isn't really interested in doing anything about it. It isn't like you haven't given him the opportunity. I think he knows that he is giving up someone great, and he doesn't really understand why himself. Not much you can do about that. If he really doesn't want a D, he is going to have to actually use words now!
I think if you flirted with me the way you've been flirting with CEO I would need some sort of resuscitation!
LOL I love that you are giving CEO a taste of his own medicine!
Too bad about H. He definitely sounds like he is a bit confused/guilty. But really, what did he expect you to do when he has been seeing someone else all this time????
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
K- it would be lovely if you came here, although I can't vouch for there being that many hot guys about. I'm sure if you're around they flock to your position though
Handsome- if only it was 2 weeks earlier. How exciting that would be
Michelle- Hi! I have no idea what H thinks- confused is a good assessment, I don't think he has any idea what he wants.
This week H and I have interacted quite a lot- a few e-mails and we met up on Wednesday evening at a work networking event. I ignored him for the first half of the evening and then we had a couple of drinks together before going to watch the football together. That turned into a bit of an adventure because we ended up getting on the wrong bus and then doing a walking tour of central London. When we met H pointed out hat I had a new jacket and jeans and said he thought my jeans were an excellent fit and really showed off my figure. You could have knocked me over with a feather- that's the first unsolicited compliment he's given me in 2 years.
After the match H and I walked towards the tube station and he held my hand as we walked. I didn't have the heart to point out that it was inappropriate behaviour considering we're getting a D and he is seeing someone else but maybe I should have.... The next day he sent me an e-mail saying how great it had been to see me and the exchange continued to yesterday. He told me in a lot of detail what he'd done on Thursday evening and how much he enjoyed my cookies (I gave him some extra because he's really getting too thin now and the aubergine can't or won't cook).
I'm almost tempted from his behaviour to say that maybe something is changing with him, but then I remember that I've been in this situation many times before and every time it wasn't a change but a confused blip on his part. As Austin said to me yesterday, this is the H of a year ago (again). It's sad- the old H was so amazing.
Other than that things are good. I had dinner at House of Lords (the restaurant is in the middle of the photo- the kind of white covered area) on Thursday evening. It was lovely- the building is beautiful inside and the food was excellent. Yesterday night the choir I'm in performed at this old central London church . It was a big success and it was a real privilege to sing there. Before the performance the musical director had us all rehearsing in the porch outside the church for a few minutes. The tourists must have thought it was their lucky day because the sound was amazing. It was really good fun.
CEO....is CEO. I'm still working on confusing the hell out of him and I think it's working although it's not easy changing the pattern of our relationship (whatever that word means in the bizarro world of OD and CEO).
Hey Lisa, good to see your update and see you are doing ok. I have some questions ! lol...
Originally Posted By: One Day
I told him he was the second funniest man I ever met. (Whose the first funniest?)
Anyway, before and after the big meeting we had a bit of an argument. First he was a bit rude to me and I didn't like that. He apologised and that was OK. Later on I thought he was being a bit aggressive in general I guess (I can't really remember why I was upset) but I got really annoyed with him and almost walked out of the room. Uh, ok, that doesnt sound good?? Or not bode well for a long term R with this guy? He's not an Aries is he !?
I've decided that I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine by periodically flirting very strongly and then being completely professional by turns. I'm curious. You say that he is a "pursuer" and so you cant ask him for a date. Hes 41 (?) a CEO, loaded and good looking and always texting some woman or going on dates, according to your tales of him and yet.. he's still single. Is there a possibility that CEO could have some major issues, or be some kind of... commitment phobe!? I dont get why he wouldnt ask you out if he was interested in a long term R, after the relentless flirting you have been doing for the past 18 months? The more I read of him, he sounds like a bit of a player?? Or is he a man of integrity?
I had to tell him I'd filed the D papers and he looked really upset. So I asked him what was wrong and he didn't say anything, just kept looking upset. I said that if he couldn't tell me I didn't know who he could tell and he looked more upset. I said I only did it because I thought it was what he wanted and he said 'I suppose'. And then I asked if he was happy and he said 'I suppose..... I just want you to be happy' and wouldn't say anything else.
Everything about it says he doesn't really want the D, or was at the least shocked I'd actually done it. I told him that if I had any inkling that he didn't want the D I would never pursue it, and that I just want him to be happy and left it at that. He said 'I know'. I was thinking.. seeing as you are proceeding with the D anyway, what do you have to lose by being honest (and the above doesnt sound to me like open and honest communication. You arent being explicit. Saying "I just want you to be happy" isnt, its woolly). My ex said this to me at Christmas. I took it to mean, he still loved me, but he was seeing someone else, so what could he do?
Have you not considered just saying to H... H, I still love you, I dont want to D. Is there any chance you could end your R with the aub and we can work this out? If not, then I will be your friend, but I have to ask you if there is a possibility, before I file.. ???
It just sounds like you are STILL stuck in DBing communication, not stating your needs or talking about the R and after such a long time and the possibility of filing, is it worth laying your cards on the table for one last time? I say that because you did a bit of sighing, held his hand to the tube and said, can he not see that the way he feels would indicate love? So I am assuming you would still be interested in reconciling with him, if he was willing to? But I agree with Austin, it all sounded like this time last year.
Firstly with H.... I have told him all of the things you suggested I say. In fact I've tried that a few times over the past two years, the last time being last month (I said more than I posted and I was very clear), and the time before that being in January- I think I posted the details when I did it. It didn't work on any occassion and there's really only so many times you can say the same thing! Life goes on, or my life has to at least.
Secondly, the sigh was really more because I think it's sad that our R came to D, as opposed to having any burning desire to reconcile (or anything else). It's sad when a long (and previously very close and happy) R comes to an end, and to see someone who was such a strong and confident man as lost (or seemingly lost) as he is..... I think that D in general results in lots of sighing- the process is sad. I imagine there'll be more sighing before it's final.
CEO (whose birthday is April 8th- not sure what that is?)- has a lot of integrity. He's probably the most honest man I've ever met (in RL, Handsome). I don't think he's commitment phobic because he's told me several times that he'd like to marry and have a family (and there's been at least one woman who he wanted to live with/considered marrying).... but then if he's a player perhaps that's just a thing he says?!
On the other hand it's not in his best interests to play me, since playing me could only result in meltdown in our working R and trouble for his company (since I'm the only employee). Therefore he's probably not playing me..... it's more likely that he's attracted to me and can't/doesn't take things further because of whole boss/work thing. In any case I'm not letting him control the situation any more- I'm taking control. He's 40, BTW, not that old to be unmarried for a City type from what I can tell.
On the argument front, I don't see the disagreements as a problem. I actually view them as quite a good thing because we both express anger/frustration to each other and then very quickly resolve things and continue. I'd be more scared of an R where there were no disagreements/opportunities to vent frustration since H had/has some problems in that area that probably contributed to him becoming a WAS. I also think that the disagreements reflect some feelings on both our parts since they're really overeactions at the moment rather than serious issues that need resolving. For example, on Thursday we had an overeacting interaction which I'll post in a new post below.
The funniest man I ever met.... tricky to pin down! It was a misdirection to say CEO was the second funniest.... I just didn't want to tell him he was the first funniest. My first love was hilarious. Also a friend of mine who did his PhD in the same group as me, one of my PhD students was just like Peter Kay, and one of my graduates (just like Rob Brydon).... all of them were fantastically funny, on a par with CEO at least. CEO is very entertaining though- lots of laughing when we're together.
I was really busy as I had a patent filing deadline coming up- they're non-extendable. CEO: Can you send me that information? Me: Yes. Just doing the patent. Will do it after that. CEO: Don't do the patent. Do (bit of work he wanted done) Me: The patent has to go in by 3pm. I'll do it after lunch. (20 minutes pass) CEO: Are you in a mood? Me: No, I'm having lunch. CEO: You seem in a mood... Me: No, I'm really having lunch. CEO: Call me when you're back in the office Me: OK
I go back to the office and do the final bits for my patent. Then I call him
CEO: What's wrong with you? Me: Nothing, I'm just pretty busy and I was hungry so I went to get lunch. CEO: No, it's not that. I know you and you're not happy Me: No... I'm just busy CEO: I'm not stupid you know. There's something wrong. What is it? Me: Nothing- I've got a lot to get through today. CEO: But I know you and I can tell when you're not happy. I know you. Me: (dumbfounded and can't think of anything to say) CEO: See, you ARE unhappy, and you called from my office. What's wrong? Me: Nothing! Seriously, I'm just busy getting this stuff done and your office is easier to make calls from. CEO: Is it because I'm not there? Me: No, I'm just busy CEO: Did you go to lunch with some man who told you you're wasting your life with me? Me: No... I went by myself. And why do you assume another man would tell me I'm wasted with you? CEO: Huh? Me: (I was really getting annoyed) I don't know why you'd assume another man would say such a thing to me.... CEO: Well what is it? You're being quiet and I know you. You don't like that I've left you alone. Me: No, seriously, I'm busy and I have to leave on time to get to dinner tonight CEO: Is it because I told you to go to the dinner? Me: no. I don't do things just because you tell me to you know. I do have a mind of my own. CEO: (laughs) So you didn't go for lunch with anyone? Me: (laugh) No. I was all alone. Now stop your nonsense and let me finish- I'm working very hard for you.
Then everything was fine and yesterday we exchanged probably 30 e-mails during the day having a normal bantering conversation about the dinner and other things.
Ahh... well perhaps you hadnt posted all the details of your convos with H, H details have been a bit sketchy since you stopped posting so much. I can see why you have decided to D then. I am glad to hear you tried several times to be super honest and I'm really sad for you Lisa that he still didnt make a move to stop this. Seriously, you tried so hard and handled him with such love and generosity of spirit, you are I expect proud of yourself. You are another Geoff Capes !
As for CEO.. I was right! He is an Aries. Then, his nature will tend to show flashes of anger if he is emotionally disturbed, but the good thing is, it blows over as quick as it flares up. He may also be a little arrogant, but if he floats your boat.. you might enjoy reading this for a laugh !! Sounds just like him
I agree with you that an inability to argue/disagree is a red flag. Wow, how many of us around here have ex's that are avoidant people pleasers!? Guess CEO isnt one of those hey!
Um Lisa.. that convo.. wow. Um, what can I say.. he tried to hook you so much he may as well have used a harpoon. You give him short shrift every time. When he said...
CEO: (laughs) So you didn't go for lunch with anyone? Me: (laugh) No. I was all alone. Now stop your nonsense.
.. um how about just asking him why he wants to know who you lunched with?
I love hearing about you and CEO - you don't stand any sh!t Maybe he was using a bit of transference. He was feeling insecure so projected it onto you (is that called transference??). Could you have asked him if he wanted to go for a drink after work instead of all the emails - obviously worded a lot better than that? That way you get to do your work and he gets to see your fabulousness... just a thought. The email interaction is quite interesting though, there are many layers to that one I feel
With H, it seems as though he just wants to keep the status quo - the not moving on the D issue and holding your hand. How do you think he would have reacted if you had pulled away. It is hard to know as he obviously wants your as a large part of his life but can't take that step further on or away. What did your DB coach suggest in your sitch - I can't remember now.
P.S - I forgot to give you back the choir music last time we met!
CEO: Did you go to lunch with some man who told you you're wasting your life with me? Me: No... I went by myself. And why do you assume another man would tell me I'm wasted with you? CEO: Huh? Me: (I was really getting annoyed) I don't know why you'd assume another man would say such a thing to me.... CEO: Well what is it? You're being quiet and I know you. You don't like that I've left you alone.
One Day "come to think of it my dear CEO, I am having this kind of thoughts myself lately, what are you willing to do about it?"
You are tough, you are stubborn, you are a scientist, you are equal to him, now..., get your soft side showing some more and it will be a matter of time... That question he asked you, was so telling IMO. xxx K
