Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy he is back, i think

Hi mdoodles,

How are you today? I took time and read through your entire thread to get caught up. Since you've been so great to give me your support I wanted to give you mine. So two things I wanted to tell you:

1. Congrats on your H being back home. I know the fear that goes along with it. I don't know if you recall but this is the 3rd time my H and I have been S. First he left in '05 for like 6 weeks, then I moved in '06 and he followed in about 3 wks after. He didn't move in with me until about 2-3 months afer. And then now. I was always uneasy with all of his returns because I never felt like him and OW were over. Since they share a son he would try to break contact for a few days and then they would be back in communication. OW had even gotten married and so I felt like ok they are just co-parenting. But nope. It just got messier. And him and OW seem to get back together or to just end up sleeping together. So...
2. You need to listen to the others guys here and get your H to do no contact. He doesn't have lasting ties with OW so he should be able to do it completely if he wants the M. Piecing is difficult but now after my experience I know it is extremely difficult to near impossible if our spouses are still in contact with OW. My H has ping ponged so much that this time around he will need to prove to me that he has ended it with OW for us to move forward. Without that I think I will live with the fear an anxiety of his ping ponging again. For example, like your incident when he was shopping for your store and your thought it was OW, you will have many of those if you don't know for sure OW is gone bye bye. One day H and I were working at our place and he got a call. I hear a woman's voice and I got pissed off. While he was still on the call, he yelled at me for acting that way. And I got even more mad that he would speak to me in such a manner in front of OW. Guess what, it was his sister on the phone. I reacted that way because H was still in contact with OW. If she was out of the picture I would not have had such a reaction and one less argument. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but you will have many more of these instances without the no contact in place and some level of comfort that it is over with him and ow. Maybe find ways to set up boundaries with H being home to let him know that ow needs to be gone completely. I know how badly you want it to work and it will with ow gone.

BTW, I laughed when I read about OW calling you and hanging up. My H's OW was great at doing that ampng many other crazy things.

Good luck and I will keep checking on you.

Hi mdoodles,

How are you today? I took time and read through your entire thread to get caught up. Since you've been so great to give me your support I wanted to give you mine. So two things I wanted to tell you:

1. Congrats on your H being back home. I know the fear that goes along with it. I don't know if you recall but this is the 3rd time my H and I have been S. First he left in '05 for like 6 weeks, then I moved in '06 and he followed in about 3 wks after. He didn't move in with me until about 2-3 months afer. And then now. I was always uneasy with all of his returns because I never felt like him and OW were over. Since they share a son he would try to break contact for a few days and then they would be back in communication. OW had even gotten married and so I felt like ok they are just co-parenting. But nope. It just got messier. And him and OW seem to get back together or to just end up sleeping together. So...
2. You need to listen to the others guys here and get your H to do no contact. He doesn't have lasting ties with OW so he should be able to do it completely if he wants the M. Piecing is difficult but now after my experience I know it is extremely difficult to near impossible if our spouses are still in contact with OW. My H has ping ponged so much that this time around he will need to prove to me that he has ended it with OW for us to move forward. Without that I think I will live with the fear an anxiety of his ping ponging again. For example, like your incident when he was shopping for your store and your thought it was OW, you will have many of those if you don't know for sure OW is gone bye bye. One day H and I were working at our place and he got a call. I hear a woman's voice and I got pissed off. While he was still on the call, he yelled at me for acting that way. And I got even more mad that he would speak to me in such a manner in front of OW. Guess what, it was his sister on the phone. I reacted that way because H was still in contact with OW. If she was out of the picture I would not have had such a reaction and one less argument. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but you will have many more of these instances without the no contact in place and some level of comfort that it is over with him and ow. Maybe find ways to set up boundaries with H being home to let him know that ow needs to be gone completely. I know how badly you want it to work and it will with ow gone.

BTW, I laughed when I read about OW calling you and hanging up. My H's OW was great at doing that ampng many other crazy things.

Good luck and I will keep checking on you.

thank you so much for taking the time to think of me and offer your support! it is so nice to have people in the same type of situation to talk to...

i agree that we need a no contact.

i know a big step was removing him from the nyc area and relocating his job out here in suffolk, that eliminates the chance of him seeing her on a daily basis.

its big that this business is mine too, i am there everyday, i answer the phone, so i know she cannot call or show up.

i love even more that there is no cell phone reception, in case she even tries to call, lol.

in all seriousness, i have tried not to bring her up or mention the affair at this point. i feel like i want to keep the pressure off on that issue because we are dealing with rather large issues, such as the business and losing our home (the affair wreaked havoc on our finances but that is a whole other story). my mindset lately has been, if he is home with me and accounted for, i am laying off the affair discussion until i feel threatened or i sense something not right. so far so good.

i have not heard from the ow in 2 weeks, perhaps she moved on...she never thought of herself as the ow, so maybe now she has come to her senses and sees he really is married and is back with his family.

the hardest part has been his moods, which was always a problem. we are stressed with the store, and i keep telling him that our marriage and the store are 2 separate issues, and that i deserve to be treated kindly and with respect, even when he is in a foul mood regarding something else.

the work never ends...

im not quite sure how to handle this -

even though h is home, he has stopped coming to bed. he falls asleep on the couch and either stays there, or moves to the couch in our office.

do i leave it alone? i realize this is an adjustment period, he hasnt even been home a month, but it is hurtful.

Yes, this is a big adjustment period. He is going through withdrawal of the "OW drug". It will take a long time. He got a "high" with her. I remember laying down A LOT. Depressed a LOT. Leave him alone if you can. I know it is hurtful, but he just needs to get through this. It is critical he does not contact OW at all now. If he does, this moodiness will start all over again.

By the way, it is a GREAT sign he wants to get together with old friends. That was the old life he left behind when he started making bad decisions. He avoided those old friends while having the affair.

Just be the best you that you can be. Try not to have any big relationship talks right now. Showing him you are thinking about him (like the OW probably did) would be good- emailing, texting, calling, etc. Plan some trips with your H- maybe a short drive somewhere to have a picnic, or go to a live concert, etc. Anything fun and different to show that things will be different THIS time with you two. And, it will keep his mind off of the OW and back on you.

thank you so much for your advice. after i read your post to me, i unsent an email i had sent my h about him not coming to bed etc.

i do alot of emailing to him, to get my feelings out - but u are right, i should just be the best i can be and no big talks.

i went into the store today and i am doing everything i can to help out there and keep him from worrying too much about the business. he mentioned that we should go out for dinner tonight (to my favorite restaurant), i reminded him we are going to his brother's house for a birthday dinner, but i would love to go out tomorrow night.

its just so so hard to not take things personally and so so hard not to worry that i am not doing something right, that perhaps he is second guessing his decision.

i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to not come home.

it hurts me at night when he chooses not to come to bed, but i dont go pulling him off the couch. i send him nice emails, telling him i miss him in bed - he knows he is wanted there.

i am really losing my patience.

h is so up and down mood wise, and 99% of it has to do with our new business. but it is not fair to take it all out on me.

its not fair that he chooses to sleep on the couch now, nothing went wrong between us.

he had no problem climbing into bed with me over these last few years, no problem when he first came home. he just stopped coming to bed over a week ago.

then, last night, on mothers day, he had a bad day at the store so he didnt want to go out for dinner, he said he was going out for a little and was gone until almost 1 in the morning. i called him at 9, 10 and 12, and he answered every time, so i do not think he went to find the ow. he said he was just out driving around, and he was definitely in the car.

i told him it is not fair to go out like that, dissapear and not respect how i may feel about it.

then he came home, made himself dinner and left all of the dishes in the sink.

i told him this morning that i will not do them, that if he chooses to treat me like a roomate, he can do his part as a roomate.

i just dont know what to do. i tell him my feelings are hurt, i tell him i deserve respect. and it just doesnt get through.

what do i do now?

I'm guessing the OW is involved here. The fact that he answered the phone is good. Perhaps, he is dealing with his "mess", as well as his emotions. Maybe he was on the phone with her trying to calm her down.....she sounds like she could fly off the handle. I know these types of people. He may need a restraining order on her for your family.

You have a right to know where he was and what he was doing. Has he agreed to any counseling?

my first guess is to also assume its about her, but im not so sure. he has been with me every night and not missing.

u think he left to talk to her on the phone for hours? i just dont know.

im thinking if i hear from her today, it was about her. she tends to call when things are not good, and i havent heard from her, and he has been with me, so i was assuming she was moving on.

counseling would probably help, but right now we are in between insurance and are not covered for counseling.

it seems he is off the deep end about the store and is taking it out on me.

i just dont know what to do from here, how to handle it, what to say that will have any impact.

no calls from the ow today, maybe his behavior is not directly linked to her.

i had my friend check the ow's internet page (i refuse to look), just to make sure she isnt posting her profile picture with my husband, as she did in the past.

its just of her. good sign to me, although doesnt tell all.

i guess i will see how tonight goes with H. i try not to push or nag, but it really bothers me that he stopped coming to bed.