You do have me thoroughly confused pollyanna. Not sure what I am not supposed to be throwing away and what you mean by not making any decisions or getting caught up in one?
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I am so confused. I go from knowing for certain that I don't want to be married to my H to wanting my H back regardless of what he has done. I know that I do not want the same relationship I had with him before, but I do want the love that we had. I feel like confronting him about his EA was an eye opener for the both of them. I believe he got kicked out of his gym. Not sure because I have been staying away from there. I know this has probably pushed him closer to the EBFOW (ex best friend other woman), but I couldn't just let them keep this a secret.
The warped thing is that we all went out to dinner recently with other friends. One is a woman that I have been friends with for quite some time and the other was one I just met that was a new friend of EBFOW. Both of these women know that my H and I were together just a few months ago. How will this look to them? Will it change their friendships with EBFOW? I believe that letting it just fester in secrecy wasn't a good thing though.
I said some really mean and hurtful things due to my pain. Things I meant at the time. They still try to lie and say that they were just friends, but friends do not text each other for hours on end. Friends do not get more time from your spouse than you do. They go shopping now together. She buys him stuff and is probably responsible for him getting an apartment because he certainly couldn't afford it. The thing is she has two ailing parents. Both on the precipace of not being here any more. How will this affect the affair?
They really have very few things in common. Going to concerts, being miserable, shopping, playing video games, and her pretending to like to play pool. She is also quite vapid. He did end our relationship telling me that he wanted someone not as smart as he is and he certainly has ended up with that.
I'm waiting to see if he files. He won't be able to figure out the paperwork and she, well she can't even file her own income tax return as a single person, no dependents, with no deductions. I wonder if she will be willing to shell out the money for a lawyer. I know I shouldn't be wondering anything.
I should just be GAL. Which I am attempting. I joined a gym and have made it twice. I worked out on the treadmill for 25 minutes last night. I've lost over 33 pounds in the month that he has been gone.
I feel stupid for wanting to put my children through this. Is it in their best interest for me to be with this man who so casually threw them away for his own happiness. These are not his children and that made it even easier. He justified this by making up excuses. Where in the world does all of this delusional thinking come from? Do they get a script handed to them?
I have been miserable in my marriage for quite some time due to my H's inability to be responsible and make me feel as if I am important, but it never occured to me to walk away. Am I the stupid one for staying and wanting a better R with this man? Is that even possible?
I can't see his R with my EBFOW fulfilling anything in him other than she validates him, buys things for him, and accepts him for what he is. Even though I do not buy for a minute that he likes who he is right now. He has been so miserable because he has failed to achieve his dreams of being better and that I believe is the catalyst for all of this. When I told him in anger that he was worthless and that he had nothing to be proud of in the years he has been on this planet, he looked as if I had smacked him in the head with a brick.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I hate him having so much space in my head. I want peace, but what will I have to do to get that?
I would appreciate some advice.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Got The Five Love Languages in the mail today. I am so heartbroken. I mentioned this book to my H in the recent past. I so wish I would have bought it then. We have been speaking the wrong love language to each other for quite some time.
He is apparently still at the gym. I saw his truck there this afternoon while getting my baby girl. The girls and I went and walked a mile and a half at the park. It felt really good. Although I did get blisters on the pads of my feet!
I keep receiving mail for my H here at the house. He told me that he needed his passport for the post office for his PO box. I would figure that he would have his mail being forwarded by now. I've gotten his GED, his new bankcard, and his cellphone bill in the past few days. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with them because I honestly had thought he got kicked out of the gym. I just can't find it in me to be mean. It's not my nature.
I am not a vendictive person. When backed into a corner, threatened, or hurt, I am probably the meanest thing ever known to man. I can say things that will hurt you to your very core. It's a learned behavior. Not necessarily something I am proud of.
Reading that book opened my eyes as nothing else has. It spoke to me and really made me understand where my H was coming from. The really weird thing is that both of us were totally clueless in communicating with each other. We were not speaking the same language and even though he felt that he had tried and that he had told me over and over and over, it never sunk in because I was trying to interpret it with my own language. It all makes sense now. Why does it always have to make sense when it doesn't feel like it will do you any good? I mean I realize I can use it for relationships in the future, but why can't you stumble onto this stuff when you are in the midst of the turmoil so that it can be an epiphany type thing and you can save your marriage before it's to this point?
I want to take my H mail to him and leave it and this book in the truck where he told me I could leave his mail. I'm unsure if he would even read it. Right now he has someone who he is in the "in love" stage with. It won't last though because there are so many things about him that she won't be able to do for him. He loves to cook. He got that from his dad. His mom would get almost orgasmic from the food his dad would cook for her. He always wanted me to be that way and I never understood it, but I at least was willing to try the food he cooks. His OW does not like to try anything different.
I have gotten to a point where I am working on me. I have worked out twice in the past two days. I have read some books. I have watched movies with the kids. I am continuing my courses in school. I am down 37.4 pounds and counting. I am still finding it difficult to eat. I would bet I am eating maybe 1000 calories a week. I am existing on sweet tea. I am nauseous most of the time and find myself dry heaving. Stress is a witch. People all tell me to eat and I do try. It just doesn't ever sit well. Going to have to look into some liquid nutrition.
I wish someone would give some really needed advice.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I'd give you advice, but I don't know what to say. I have a son who is 25, and honestly, I could see him doing all the things you say your H is doing. And I can't understand why a woman with children would want a husband like that, because he is just another child.
I am struggling to decide what it is I need to do. I do not want to be married to this man who has done all of this. I am ashamed to walk around with his name. I, on the one hand, want to file a divorce and cite adultery. I have cell phone records of his incoming and outgoing texts and phone calls to her. I am not sure if I could get actual transcripts of what was in the text messages. I feel so duped that this went on for so long. He lied to my children when they asked him who he was texting. He would tell them that it was me and then when one of them would say they were going to text me he would say that I was busy and needed to go, yet he continued texting. My marriage didn't have a chance. I could have been the perfect wife and I would still be sitting here having to figure out how to go about divorcing him. I also think about just filing an uncontested divorce, just to get it over with. I am going to take all the debt that is in my name (credit cards, my student loans, and such). Even though it was racked up while we were married and leave him with the one credit card that is in his name and his new truck that he put a down payment on with money his dad sent. It isn't an equal split for sure, but I'm so not going to mess with alimony.
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You do have me thoroughly confused pollyanna. Not sure what I am not supposed to be throwing away and what you mean by not making any decisions or getting caught up in one?
All of your first post was about decsions relating to your future that you may regret. Mypoint was to have you think about giving yourself time before deciding anything about D, money, alimony, trucks etc
I am as dark as dark can be. I took his mail and dropped it off. I didn't see him. I left him my book The Five Love Languages with the section about cheating marked and a note in the front that said, I understand now and put a p.s. I was wrong. It isn't ever a waste to love someone...Doubt this will do anything. All I can do now is go on. He has forwarded his mail now to his PO BOX. I have no reason to see him and I don't even have his phone number. I'm sure that the hateful words I said will keep him from ever thinking about coming back. The hurt I felt though was immeasurable and I wanted him to hurt as bad as I did. Venom poured forth. I can't take it back. I can apologize, but am I sorry? I have never had someone hurt me like he did. His lies for months on end. My children began to believe that I loved him more than them because he would say he was texting me when he was texting her and they would text me and I wouldn't answer back until the next morning. His making me believe that all of this was my fault. I admit that I did not show him according to his standards that I loved him, but I tried the best way I knew how. *shrugs* I'll move on and life will get better day by day.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
