Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis PA or MLC or both?

Wow! I`m astonished with all the replies.

Thanks WCW for letting me know we`ve something in common. Looking at your post braces me for a long haul and encourages me to continue to move forward with my own life.

Thanks Mach for hauling me up on looking at my reflection. Hindsight has made my reflection clearer; I wish I hadnot been so quick to get angry with H when he got into his moods. And there`s lots more stuff I`ve to work on on myself too. Yes, even for moving forward to another relationship if that turns out to be the case.

Jack and K, my husband has threatened to hit but never actually hit. He has left me in no doubt that he could hit me and I have told him before of my fear that he might hit. And no he has not addressed that issue.

Last October I was very sick, sitting in a chair but nonetheless confronting H about his proposed and mysterious week end trip. He couldn`t handle the questions and just jumped up off the sofa, ripped off his jacket and tie and danced around like a boxer threatening me with his fists and asking me if "you want to f***ing fight, c`mon and f***ing fight"

That is not the language of our household nor the behaviour I want my children to witness in their father. Sadly my sons hears(but did not see) this.

He showed no remorse after. In fact continued to blame and berate me. It was the same story the next day. In fact the closest I got to an apology was "I regret I did that" but that was after I took him to court. He went into IC for maybe three or four sessions(he never did clarify that) but has discontinued that.

He was angry at me for taking him to court"I am your husband and I only did it(the physical intimidation) once" "Look how much this is costing me"

To say the man has his head buried in the sand in an understatement. That`s why I say to myself I don`t really want him-at least not as he is now. Yes we have had happier times and yes I do want to try just a little harder to stay married.

But maybe I`m wrong about that.

Whatever. This is obviously a time for a lot of growing and soulsearching for me.

I am so very very grateful for all your support and the benefit of your experience and yes, I will go find those resources now and also search for other posts with similar situations to mine.

I think you may be answering some of your own questions....

Find YOUR balance FG...Learn from your mistakes and don't live in the past.

Everyone here has fallen off the balance beam at one time or another.....Trick is to not make the same mistakes and expect different results.

One of my mantra's has been to....Be the memory that you want your kids to have in the future....You ARE teaching them by YOUR actions....

I'm glad that his violence towards you was only another empty threat.....Although it is unneccesary and SHOULD NOT be something tolerated by you or your children.....That is a dealbreaker in ANY relationship.

Peace

H did not come home from work until late last night. I think he had been drinking. He spent a few minutes in our presence then went upstairs. I was cordial to him, even asked him how his day was. He just said `good`. that was all. I didn`t ask him where he`d been and he didn`t say.He barely engaged with the kids either.

I went to bed around the same time as the kids but when I tried to get into my bedroom it was locked. I was very afraid then. i called H but no answetr. My eldest son was beside me(he`s 13). I called and knocked, rang his mobile, rang the bedside phone too and eventually H opened the door. Are you ok I said. No anger towards him, just concern as I really was afraid he was going to do something.
Yes, he replied making his way to the bed. I got into the bed before him(remember he has slept downstairs since Oct). Where are you going he asked. To bed. I replied. Well, you`re not sleeping here he said. He obviously wanted me out of the room.

I didn`t get angry I just said Shhhh P(our son) is listening. H left

What`s all that about? He`s hidden all the keys in the house including of course my bedroom key.

I haven`t spoken to him yet-he`s gone out and I`m just up. What should I do now? Will he try this again tonight? And all in front of the kids which is another worry.

thanks for all advice



Fallgirl

Well, H returned-with the some groceries(I normally do the shopping) but hasn`t spoken about last night`s lock out incident and I don`t think I should ask.

Our `conversations` are just about the kids-who`s bringing them to what Saturday activity that kind of thing and H has obviously decided to play model Dad today as he`s taking on his share which hasn`t always happened. Maybe another positive.

I`m very calm. Sticking to all my 180 things-doing the opposites of what I normally do, and today I`m going to clean the windows as it hasn`t been done in a year and may signal to H that I`m okay and let some light into our home at the same time! I`m also meeting a gf for coffee later.

I do feel sorry for H. He`s trapped in his anger can`t express himself and full of pain.

But I know I can`t do anything about that as I am in his eyes, to blame. I think a lot of that comes from his childhood where he heard his parents fighting and roaring at each other, his father beating his mother, and spoke to no one about it.(At least, this is what his brother told me).

The thing that upsets me most is the affect of all this on our children (13,11,8). If this goes on for YEARS(which seems very likely)they will not have had the benefit of witnessing a loving relationship.

In that respect we would be better off living apart as watching Dad locking Mum out of her bedroom last night is a desperately sad memory for my eldest son to hold.

Should I talk to him more about that? I feel I should. Just tell him Dad is going through a stressful time and that he really loves us all.

It is so so painful. I feel imprisoned and yet, I still hope that all this will come good. Is that crazy?

Thanks for listening

Fallgirl

Well, for what its worth for anyone else caught in the craziness of an ailing marriage, this is how I survived the latest piece of craziness.

I strongly considered going to my lawyer to initiate separation proceedings. Soon dropped that thought though when I realised I could be overreacting and causing more harm to all of us.

Then I considered breaking the lock of the bedroom door so H wouldn`t be able to lock himself in. Even bought the chewing gum to do the job! But then had a light bulb moment.

I had spent the past two weeks working(to my mind)180 beautifully. I was doing the opposite to what H had expected me to do. And I was wonderfully calm about everything, never rising to the bait and enjoying myself. Butinstead of improving, I was bothered that H seemed to be deteriorating -getting more withdrawn and trying to trigger me in little ways.

Now, in taking the master bedroom and dumping me out to the guest room he had found a way to get to me, draw me into the game, the craziness the push pull of the codependent relationship. A way to break my calm.

I decided that sleeping in the guest room would be just fine for me. I spent the day prepping myself for that possibility.

No it never came up in conversation. Old me would have brought it up and asked H what was that all about. New me didn`t go there. Old me would have braced myself for an attack and attacked back. New me just smiled at H-sincerely! and just mentioned the business of the day-the kids- and didn`t get upset when H disappeared off for the evening either.

I got on with all I had planned to do, enjoyed my day and made sure H had first call on which room to sleep in.

In the end up he slept in the guestroom.

You know, it`s such a non-biggie for me where I sleep that now I`m thinking maybe I should offer to sleep in the guestroom. Not quite sure yet. But I`m very sure that I need to go back to read Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie. And I`m pretty sure that my 180 stuff is going just fine. H has noticed a change, he is subconsciously testing it.

I`m still concerned about the irrationality and premeditated aspect(it took a while to gather up all those keys) of his behaviour.Detaching from him has helped me see more clearly that he is suffering from depression or something. When I look back at better times, this is not my Old H but some entirely different creature.

I spoke to my eldest son-who had witnessed the bedroom war and told him everyone goes through funny phases in their lives ans that Dad was giong through a bit of a patch and we all needed to cut him some slack, give him time and space to work through it. I told him he really is a good dad and that he loves us all very much.

I will go talk to H`s doctor to let him know about the irrationality and withdrawn behaviour of H. Maybe he can help him.

And now I`m off to mind me and the kids look at my GAL goals and get on with my own journey!

Thanks folks!
_________________________

What an insight. You handled it beautifully! kudos to you. And being so compassionate and generous to him for your eldest son's sake, you are setting a wonderful example for your children.

You are on the right track, keep your eyes on your goal. You H is watching you like a hawk. Look your best (men are very visual), smile a lot and don't let him see your feather ruffled.

Good luck!

(((((Fallgirl)))))
I don't think I'd offer to sleep in the guest room. He chose his bed. Let him sleep in it. You didn't make a big deal of it, I would continue that by not saying a thing about who is sleeping where.

(((((Fallgirl)))))
I don't think I'd offer to sleep in the guest room. He chose his bed. Let him sleep in it. You didn't make a big deal of it, I would continue that by not saying a thing about who is sleeping where.

I think I would be tempted to get a lock on the room you are sleeping in.... but then I worry about the kids.... bad situation. He isn't going to like it when things start going against him, as they surely will. Be watchful, and careful!

Thanks VH

Yes, I worry about things spiralling out of control too. I`m really really having big thoughts about just getting out of here with the kids. I think H is reaching cracking point and I`m afraid of what he might do.Drink on Friday night probably made him more crazy. And I don`t like the premeditated aspect to it either.

I realise that he`s doing everything he possibly can to annoy me. But its not working.So friday was just him trying a new tack.

Since our split my bedroom as been a haven where I read relax meditate and generally heal through all of this. But honestly I could do that in the guestroom too. His problem is that he has tried to cover up the fact that we`re not sleeping together from the kids. So he`s tip toeing upstairs to my room each morning to make it look like he`s come from there. Is first up and last in bed too si that`s part of the reason he`s tired. Me, I`d be honest with the kids and say everyone needs a little peace and quiet for themselves from time to time and that we`re both just going through a phase where we need space of our own.

I`m going to give him dinner this evening(I`d stopped doing his dinners and laundry since Oct-I have a full time job too and yet it`s me who does the bulk of the housework.)I`m feeding him because he`s not managing to take of himself well and well, hungry dogs just get more savage so maybe it`ll help some of the anger out of him.

My 180 technique is driving him nuts. I don`t think it`s a cheeseless tunnel though because he may just need to go to the brink with himself just to see how crazy his game is.

I left the bed free last night too but no mention of his taking it. No I won`t change the lock.In fact I`m sleeping with the door ajar these nights just so I can tune in to the kids and into him in case he tries something really daft.

And behind it all, I wonder if I`m crazy to be hanging on in here!

Thanks for your support!

Why would you talk to his doctor? Are you his mom? Are you trying to enlist his doctor on your side of this? Bad idea when he finds out.

Tell as few people as possible, the more who know the harder it is on them later, enlist as few people as possible, make no friends choose sides.