Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

I am sorry that you are hurting, and I am sorry that you have been going through this for so long.

BUT...

Honestly....

What changes have you made since the separation?

Are you still the same Woman that he left behind?

I was also a SAHM and yes I also put my children before my Husand's needs. I didn't know how much of an impact that would have on my Marriage. He felt neglected. He found someone to "fill in" the gap.

In my situation, my Husband was very immature and needy. He had a MLC and turned my life upside down.

We were separated for 2 1/2 years and were not intimate at all during that time, and our Marriage was still salvagable.

The idea behind DBing isn't just to save the Marriage, but also to save ourselves.

No, it isn't too late to save this Marriage, but there are never any guarantees as to how any of our stories will end.

I can tell you however, if you read the books, and work on your own issues, you will be a happier, more secure person.

TH,
Everyone is giving you great advice. Having just started through this process myself, it is hard letting go and detaching but it is absolutely necessary. There will grief and feelings of great loss and loneliness, but I think we have to go through that to let go.
Maybe its time to look inward a bit, and not so much at your H and OW. Think about what you like to do, what pleases you and one-day-at a time discover more about yourself and do things that make YOU happy. Its just a place to start..
Hang in there, we're all with you!

It is ALWAYS time to look inward. : )

Hi Stuck808,

I've gone out on occasion with friends and family, but not much. I haven't been to mall shopping or bought anything for myself in so long!

I do need to detach and stop focusing on him and what he's doing. Since I found out about OW business that he's helping her with, I'm stuck on thinking about how much he's giving her and not to me! They worked together but he told me that she's no longer working there (said they had some lay-offs end of Jan), so I asked, "Then isn't she supposed to go back to her country?" And he smirked and said, "No, she has a green card." Their company's main office sent her to work in US, and I know that other expatriates from the main office had been sent back after their term here, so I thought that was a little weird that she's not going back. My H lies so I wonder if she really even has her green card... If she doesn't I thought maybe she was trying to get one, using my H. I wondered if he's planning to marry her or have children with her, and he said. "Europeans don't care about marriage and I don't know if she wants kids in the future, we haven't discussed that." Then next thing you know, I found out she's starting a business repping software products from companies that he's associated with (current employer, last employer, and his friend's employer)... And on top of that, she lists her DBA using his mother's home address! It makes me mad that he's doing all this for her!

Grrrrr!

Thank you BND,

I'm not exactly the same woman he left behind...I was a happy SAHM that was fun, involved in art (painting) and had lots of young artsy friends around. After he left, I don't paint, haven't gone to any art shows and more or less stopped hanging out with most of my friends.

I've become unhappy, insecure, and worried about my future!

hi kjenson,

I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I see that your H broke off from OW but was pulled back into A...that's got to be so disappointing.

Are you detaching and also taking legal steps? I was on the path to getting a legal separation so that I could get a consistent amount in spousal support, and secure myself from having H hide assets or take equity out of our home. I thought that maybe if I know exactly what I have and can count on, that I can begin my future from there. I also thought that would help me concentrate on other things once I didn't have to worry so much about whether he was trying to leave me with nothing. Is that a start in detaching?

At the heights of our arguments (in the beginning) he's said I was his enemy and he wouldn't give me any more that the courts required him to give... Now, I think he's starting to feel sorry for me but since any argument we have about money turns hims into a demon, I can't trust him to be generous, let alone fair.

OK....

Your signature line says your Daughter is 21.

So now I am a bit confused where the SAHM thing comes into play.

I assumed that perhaps you had younger kids.

What did you do when she was at school? Or did you homeschool?




So what have you been doing for the past two years?

It sounds like you have been depressed and having a major pity party.



You have been in this mode for far too long now.

Have you seen a Doctor about depression?

Maybe it may be time for some meds.

I know you don't need any harsh words right now, but honestly, you have all of the tools you need to "fix" your own life and you don't use them.

Jack,

I know I should look inward but it's hard when there is so much chaos! Well it seems chaotic when I look at facts that I find about H and OW. I suppose if I didn't look at what they're doing, I'd be saved from feeling this way...

Hi TH,
My situation is that I make a lot more money than my H. He has a financial planning business and ahome office. I haven't gone the legal route as I'm in better financial shape than H. Will give H big credit in that since our accounts are joint he has tried to live on own frm his business and not spend our joint money(the money I earn). He also does our investments as that is his expertise and does look out for us and the kids. So he is atypical from many MLCers regarding money.

Saw this website on someone else's thread-extremely good info/advice on detachment:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment

Lastly, don't give H a reason to get angry and see you as the enemy. Be consistent in words and actions, be detached as much as you can be(and always try to improve!). If money is a big issue, then a lawyer/mediator might be best to have those conversations with H. Don't get hooked into arguments. Take a break, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom-just leave if a hook comes your way.



I think for you going the route you are to secure money to live on might be very wise. Don't count on spousal support(it sounds like it takes some time-others know much more than I on this matter). Still looking for work on your own even though you may not make what H/OW make(don't compare), is definitely going to help you feel more independent and help with your self-esteem/confidence.