Yes Pup, can't afford that. And this pattern is getting old. This weekend when we got home she was still totally engaged and still pretty engaged yesterday, but today she's back to her distant self.
Last night I was sitting on the deck when she got home and she came out and sat down with me and it was like she had something to say, but wouldn't. We went out to dinner and while she was kind of talkative, it was like she was holding back. Once we got home she seemed to start her distancing.
I guess if I look at it on a whole, things have improved, but it's just so freakin slow it gets tiring to the soul.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
We can guess here. I will tell you my thoughts, but you won't know until you ask her specifically (i.e., "When we were in the pool, W, and I said I love you...you didn't say anything back. Are you still unsure of your love for me?" Then, if she says yes, you talk about the whys. Figure it out. Does she just like to be sexual, but it isn't about her love for you?
Ok, I think she is probably holding back to remain in control. She's that type of woman. I can be like that. It also makes her feel wanted and powerful. I remember before, for some reason, my husband was nicer to me when I was like that. When I "caved" and was more focused on his needs, he became needy and "all about him" and it was unattractive. It took a while, but we have finally gotten that balance right. We talked about it. He said he only felt safe enough to share his true feelings and hurt when I would put my guard down, and then they would ALL come out. For me, when they ALL came out at once it just made him look unattractive to me. We have found it's better if we have small talks about specific things and then go back to regular life trying to fix it, than to have week long sessions of things being brought up. Does that make sense?
Not sure if that helps you.....
Of course the other reason for distancing is what you fear...that there is someone else again. Again, telling her that at some point will be necessary.
I believe you will be in this limbo, or she will have an affair again if you don't communicate more or get some help or Retrouvaille or SOMETHING. Patience has served you well, but it is at the point where more communication/changing has to occur between you two.
I can see the value in that. Bring up one or two things, let her know that you are aware there are more issues but you need to feel and see progress made.
I don't know how you have done it so long, but I do see you feeling a bit better than a year ago and progress made but she is so darn slow in giving you anything. Perhaps because of your patience she feels she has all the time in the world. I would let her know, Hon, the clock is ticking.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I guess if I look at it on a whole, things have improved, but it's just so freakin slow it gets tiring to the soul.
I dunno, man, it still seems stuck in pretty much exactly the same spot to me, and I've read ALL of your posts this past year. I think you're in that "Definition of Stupidity" quandary here, buddy, I really do.
WDID, I think you're spot on with your comment that she's holding back because she wants to remain in control. I think she feels like if she tells me she loves me (which seemed obvious from the smile on her face in the pool) that things will return to what she considered bad in our marriage. I think she likes it where it is now because, in her mind, she can do what ever she wants and I won't say anything because I still love her and want to make the marriage work. If she tells me she loves me and would put her wedding rings back on, she loses that control.
I feel like she also knows that if she makes a commitment to the marriage she'll have to consider my feelings in things, and right now she's enjoying me doing all the work and her not having to put any effort into the marriage.
Right now, I'm not afraid there's anyone else, but I do think she's in a vulnerable position where if the right person came along she'd fall, hook, line and sinker. But that would almost be easier for me cause I'd be visiting a lawyer as soon as I could get an appointment.
I agree with the communications thing. Just need the time to be right to do it. Got a long weekend coming up and I'm sure S17 will be gone alot, so the opportunity might arise.
Hope.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
W has been very engaged this week. We went out to dinner a couple of times, had fun and talked, talked, talked while we were out.
She's been an IM'ing fool to me at work. Almost to a point where it's anoying.
Last night we grilled out and W was sending me IM's during the day telling me how she was looking forward to it, etc. I must say I grill some mean food. Anyway, we ate on the deck and she was talking and talking and talking and I just sat there listening and kept thinking to myself, sure, everything is peachy for you, but what about me?
It's funny, it seems like the more I ignore her, the more she chases me. The last few mornings I've left the house without saying good bye, or really anything to her, and she chases. I distance myself in the evenings and she chases, talks and talks and talks. I try to end our IM conversations and she keeps sending more and more IM's.
Just in one of those "I don't care moods". I'm sure she'll do something this weekend that will draw me right back in.
Oh well, just rambling I know.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I think your wife likes the chase. She wants the control, but when she sees she is losing it, she chases you. Just a guess.
The reason why she isn't meeting all of your needs, going to a counselor, Retrouvaille, etc. is that she would have to lose a lot of control. She would have to admit the many things she did, even just to herself, and that's a hard spot to be in. She would prefer to leave the past the past and move forward. Which is good, but you have to do some of the other first before you can do that.
Like Puppy said, you give her a LOT, and she'd be crazy to leave you. What are some things YOU want? What would make YOU happy? Tell her, and do them.
