Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--part 3

I don't know of any harm that giving her more time would do, at this point. She's confused, and she's not herself right now. She might change her mind again tomorrow. I'm sorry, man! I still think you've got her...she just has some more baggage to sort through. I wouldn't haul off and go file though...not right now.

My advice is "Don't strike while the iron is hot."

Personally, I don't see what good can come of your W taking an additional week, especially since she has had months already to work this out, but unless you are determined that your M is over, you don't really have anything to lose by giving her the time she wants.

You should go back and read Puppy's response to you. There needs to be some boundaries set about what you are willing to accept in terms of her behavior.

Hi AF,

I say DON'T file. It's not what you want. Actually, you'd be giving her what she wants. It would be one final, devastating act that SHE wouldn't have to be responsible for. Heck no. Don't give her that. Let her do all of the grave digging all on her own.

I think she's a uber-jerk for jerking you around, but I guess that's what walk-aways do.

I hope something miraculous happens ASAP. A week seems like an eternity when you're suffering.

I do think going very dim might be a good idea right now, letting her contact your D and not picking up her calls. She needs to see that you have some control over your life. She needs to feel what it's like to lose you.

Let us know how you're doing.

Lucky

I have to agree. If filing is not what you want then dont do it. I know many disagree but my thought is that the spouse that wants the divorce is fully obligated to file and be responsible for all of that. Financial consequences and/or a counter suit are things a WAS rarely thinks about. I oftne wonder if WAS push the left behind spouse to their limit with the secret hope they will snap and file so the WAS doesnt have that burden and doesnt look like the "bad guy".

It sounds mean but its just how I feel. My H jerked me around for 13 months and eventually you reach a saturation point with the lies, flip flopping, cliches and affairs. Its like, um, HELLO, we matter too!

Take control of you like Lucky said. Go dark (not easy, I know!).

Hang in there!

A new twist happened last night. My wife called me and said she had talked to her mom and told her everything. She said and why exactly are you doing what your doing? And John is willing to take you back anyway and for you to be able to see your daughter everyday and you're not going back because? She said John must really love you. My wife made the arguement that I was just doing this for my daughter and her mom basically shut her down. I got a lot of this from her mom as I called after I hung up with the wife--MIL knows that I'm at the end of my rope and she is afraid that my wife has lost it. She told my wife that she needed to get some help and talked to her for a really long time. I just listened. She said I really needed to hear that from her--I said that's what moms are for. She then told me that OM had stopped by with food for her and she couldn't/wouldn't eat it and he got mad and left and that the physical part is over. She told me that when I had called he had been there and that she had gone to the other room to talk to me and that had angered OM and he left.

Whatever. I'm still waiting to see what happens. I hold all the cards now. If she decides to go through with a divorce I will get custody of my daughter or I will expose her and her organization as there seems to be a lot of this going on there from what I've been hearing.

I know I've got a lot of anger and resentment to work through at this point having learned all that I have and how the wife made this about me when I got home and has treated me. All I know is this is not going to be easy either way. I'm still hoping she comes to her senses as it's getting to a point where a decision needs to be made.

Hi AF,

I'm not sure that I understand. Did your W's mom know about the A's before last night? She knew this was going on? Who is her "organization"?

Lucky

Yeah, I"m a little confused, too.

John, my advice for you today (and maybe even the next 72 hours) would be to NOT DO ANYTHING. If your wife asks you what you're going to do, say "I haven't decided yet; I have a lot to think about" or something similar.

Just chill. Think. PRAY. You need to sort thru your emotions right now, and you've got all the leverage in the world.

If your wife asks you what SHE should do, just say "This is your mess; you need to clean it up." Don't rescue her.

Puppy

She did know because I told her. I knew she wouldn't let on to my wife that she knew. How did I know this? She had cut ties with her mom. Her mom is desperate to know what's going on in her daughter's life. She told me no matter the outcome that she would never reveal that we have talked about anything. MIL called me last night and told me everything that the wife had said.



Remember, my wife is in the military. Adultry is against the UCMJ. She could lose rank or her job for that matter. Not only that, the person with whom she is having an affair is in the same organization, in the military and is married. He has way more to lose. From what I've heard, there is a lot of this going on in that organization. There is something seriously wrong with that as the leadership there has basically turned a blind, approving eye to the whole thing. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT KEY PEOPLE IN LEADERSHIP THERE KNOW THIS IS GOING ON!!!!

Like I said, if it comes down to a divorce, my wife will have to sign away everything or I will seriously consider exposing her and open up her organization for investigation. It would just take one phone call.
Was this a wise decision to talk to my MIL? Probably not but so far it has worked out ok.

Puppy,
I am going to give her the week she asked for. I think that her confiding and confessing to her Mom last night was huge. She told me and her mom told me as well.

I am trying to chill. I am oh so very angry right now. I am praying. I praying so much it hurts.



I don't think she'll ask me this but hey that's pretty good advice if she does. Thanks!

AFWAW

You may not feel like it right now. But, you are a rock.

My only piece of advice would be to try and ban any type of "future talk" from your wife to your daughter. Ask your wife to consider the roller coaster she's required her daughter to board. Until she REALLY knows what she's doing, ask her to cease all "future talk."

It's bad enough for you, but I was in tears reading that she had talked to your daughter a few nights ago (when she confessed to you) about coming home immediately, and then, AGAIN, changed her mind.

She's going to lose her. With or without you, if she messes with her continuously.

Keep being the rock. She's unraveling. Hopefully, what's good and strong and ethical in her, will be what's left under the mush she's piled on top of it.

Be well!