Turns out she may have had a conscience about running around on him in the end.
My mother did the same thing and did not ask for anything but her car when she left my father, brother and I for another man. The guilt was too much for her.
Also Puppy, regarding your wife and how she will act during the D process....if you can somehow get your wife into divorce coaching, she will be coached to "do the right thing", not to "do the best thing for yourself only". So that's another good reason to explore that option.
I missed it before, but you had said to me on your other thread, that you probably wouldn't seek counseling for death, either.
But I am sure that you are interjecting the idea that the death is of an elderly parent or aunt or uncle.
What if instead.....
You were happily married, and your wife died?
Or one of your children?
In either of these cases, can you not see the need for grief counseling for a short period of time? This is what divorce is like. Not like the death of an elderly parent. More like the death of a child or beloved spouse. At a minimum, if you were happily married and your wife died and your children were still little, wouldn't you at least get THEM some grief counseling? I'm just sayin'....
Gosh, Pup, hope you don't mine me saying this but alot of the post on these last two threads seem to be so much more pro divorce than pro DB. And correct me if I'm wrong but I truly feel that you believe in marriage and support DB. I understand that you have made the decision to end it, but as someone who crazy enough would still want her marriage, I can't help but read some of the posts on this thread and feel like people are saying that D is inevitable and great and you're doing the right thing by moving on. Don't get me wrong, I do think that its great that you have decided that you need to do this for you. But I miss the DB, saving marriage sentiment that I usually get from this site. IMHO.
<< But I miss the DB, saving marriage sentiment that I usually get from this site. Ditto. The "saving marriage sentiment" has morphed into: (1) God/religion" which somehow gives it a negative rap and (2) with "saving yourself".
Well, you can DB all you want & as hard as you can but at some point sometimes it's not enough. Like in my case. And maybe Puppy's.
My thing is people here work so hard and DB their butts off, and sometimes, if not most times, is the WAS even worth it? I mean sometimes you have WAS or in Puppy's case, S, that maybe have mental problems or are messed up in some way. I think there are cases, when divorce is just necessary: abusive marriages, serial cheaters, long-term addictions, mental problems, and esp. I will add the proviso that if they're not willing to be treated or work on those issues. I don't think marriages should be saved in some of those type of cases. Then you DB for yourself and your family. I don't see that as contradictory. Karen
Not sure why 1, is a negative rap unless you see it as "oh God has my marriage in his hand therefore I do not need to do anything about me"-ie to look within and see how I contributed to the demise of my marriage OR I have to put up with being unhappy, abused, disrespected,in huge debt due to my spouses overspending for whatever reason,drink, op,... because I made vows and or entered into a sacrament.
I have to say I deplore both sentiments by and large. I do feel though that Pup's supporters are encouraging him to move on given the past history. I do not know it all so I cannot offer an opinion. I think Michele herself says that not all marriages can be saved. I also think that this thread is not typical and DB tactics are still the norm, or maybe not I don't read that many. We are told time and time again to GAL and that you can only change yourself so given the circumstances what DB advice do you think should be given?
I also think it is important to realize that puppy was here on a different forum trying to work on those issues, the A that his wife had was then addressed and while things may have appeared to be going along, they weren't having a marriage more like roommates sharing the bedroom but not the "benefits" that come with it.
Puppy has been very pro marriage, very anti-affair and it is sad to see it come to this. However he asking for advice and for someone that has given so much it is only right to help him as much as possible.
He is such a wonderful person and I can only wish him the best in whatever situations come his way. Now I will get off the soap box and return this thread to it's regularly scheduled programming.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have said it before and Ill say it again: I dont thing that its ok for anyone on here to pass judgment on someone for the actions that they feel like they have to take. This has been going on a long time for him.
Ill bet puppy has chimed in on everyone's sitch at least once and he is very capable of giving advice. Its not so easy to take your own advice. Listen up puppy, you have given us some great words to go by, now be ready to hear them again!
I hope that you can feel good about the work that you have put in, and I hope that at some point your kids can learn about the value and sacred nature of a marriage. I really feel like you have shown them that it is something worth fighting for. To a point. I always thought that I needed to feel like I had done everything I possibly could have, and I think that you are there. Im sorry.
I hope that you remember to enforce your boundaries, esp if you do go through with the roommate idea mentioned in your other thread.
Good luck man.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Based on everything I gathered, DBing is for yourself. At the end of the day you have to know you did everything in your power to save your marriage, and to better yourself.
Distancing/GAL - you do these things for you. Because no matter how things turn out these are things you need to learn anyway.
Not all marriages can be saved. In fact - not all marriages should be saved.
But whatever path you fall on - you need to have your head held high. I think Puppy has no reason whatsoever to let his head hang low - because he put up with more than most would in order to give his marriage a chance. But in the end it takes two, and as much as we can entice our spouses back, they have the freedom to choose to work on the marriage or not. We can't try to save them from that choice. It is something they have to choose for themselves.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Also Puppy, regarding your wife and how she will act during the D process....if you can somehow get your wife into divorce coaching, she will be coached to "do the right thing", not to "do the best thing for yourself only". So that's another good reason to explore that option.
I missed it before, but you had said to me on your other thread, that you probably wouldn't seek counseling for death, either.
But I am sure that you are interjecting the idea that the death is of an elderly parent or aunt or uncle.
What if instead.....
You were happily married, and your wife died?
Or one of your children?
In either of these cases, can you not see the need for grief counseling for a short period of time? This is what divorce is like. Not like the death of an elderly parent. More like the death of a child or beloved spouse. At a minimum, if you were happily married and your wife died and your children were still little, wouldn't you at least get THEM some grief counseling? I'm just sayin'....
DQ
I would probably try to get my kids some counseling, if they were having trouble dealing with it and/or they said they'd like that. But I doubt I'd get it for myself.
I dunno, maybe it's because I'm about 0-for-4 on trying counselors -- they all sukk.
