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Wow D,
That seems like a sign from inside her that she wants you to keep waiting for her to get through this, or to keep loving her, or keep thinking positively of her- or something along those lines. How did you take it?

Oh yes, mine still snoops and we are beginning the D. I caught him the other night when he came over. He showed up, so I met him on the patio to hear what he needed so urgently to tell me. I left my phone out there and went back inside for something. When I came back to the patio door I caught him going through my phone. I asked him why he was going through my phone and he had no answer. Funny how he is the one with the girlfriend and wants to get D'd but feels the need to snoop and is obsessed with wanting to know if I have been out with a guy. Nope, sure haven't. I'm still married.

Same thing my IC said. It gives me hope that her feelings for me are still there. I just need patience to wait for her to find them underneath all the pain.

Its like the little sane part of them reaching out begging you not to give up.

I asked H to help me with the new laptop(couldn' get it connected to the internet). He fixed it up easily. Went home for lunch and thanked H again. We took a nice walk around the neighborhood. H still makes comments that may indicate he sees us together in the future..a neighbor was getting a new roof and H said, we'll have to do that sometime in the near future. Maybe a brown roof would look better... The other day he was showing me our retirement account info and I said it looked like things were improving-we might be able to retire in our late 50's and his comments were all "we" oriented. Could just be the waffling.

H's fear is that if he puts effort into our marriage and it still fails, that will be the end. That twisted logic just made me sad. As long as he has that fear, I don't think he'll put anything into "us".

Interesting note: H slept worse than usual last night. I'm thinking that that counseling class yesterday gave his subconscious a lot to work through...
Good day overall with H.

It sounds like you had a good day. Just remember to keep zero expectations. Who knows how the next interaction will be.

I think they have the fear that if they come back nothing will have changed and they will still feel trapped. I know the week after my wife left she had come back for us to talk. She said she had seen the changes in me that she wanted but she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I told her that I wished she would come home and she just kept saying that she was afraid to. That she would find out it wasn't what she really wanted and then have to leave again.

I think they are wary of the changes because they are afraid that if they come back you will change back. I think that it is why consistency is very important so as time goes by they begin to realize the changes you've made are not a trick to get them back. Just my opinion.

I started out with no/low expectations. Another good day so far and don't plan to see H later..Had lunch with H at home and worked on our sprinkler system together. I was telling him about some troubles a co-worker of mine is having. We were talking about the troubles and I said it puts things in perspective. I talked about things being fixable and H didn't see our/his situation as fixable. He didn't elaborate and I was scared to ask. I said I could see how I think things could be fixed but I knew that was my path and not necessarily his.

I wish I knew why he thinks things are unfixable and what exactly that means to him..

Later I gave H some positive comments and gave him a hug for some notice he got for doing his job well. I said I'd see him tomorrow and he said text me later..

So should I text him? or not? Probably won't unless I have something to say. I'm not really distancing at this point-kind of in a gray area b/c we're doing couple counseling weekly.. Any thoughts?

It sounds like you and H are interacting well on a regular basis
he is willing to go to C
I would keep the R going as is for now
remembering that if he is in MLC, It may take a while
you can always vary strategies later
IN mlc, nothing really works anyway
except time
some more than others
I wouldnt worry about H seeing the M as unfixable
Most of these WAS are not willing to continue with Therapy especially in beginning
so let it play out
you will know more later
I wouldnt get to caught up in what he says about future either
good or bad
peace

Hi Peace,
The last few days have seemed calm, so who knows when a storm surge will rise. I was re-reading emails H has sent me over he last few months. They go from happy and upbeat to we're done/can't take this anymore. I felt good in that my emails to H were in general very supportive and positive and full of care. I think you are right, Peace, about time being the real current guiding this whole process. I definitely think my H is in MLC-the things he's said, the total confusion and conflict he expresses time and again. The inability to completely break with me or separate.

H texted me tnight around 5:30pm and continued til almost 9pm! He invited me to go to lunch with our girls tomorrow at Chili's(they are off school and will be home with H). I texted "Sure, are you sure you want me to go along?"-b/c I was surprised at the invite. He texted that he wasn't super sure-he gets nervous when all 4 of us do things together. When I asked what he meant he said he thought he was trying to maintain his space. He appreciated that I was trying to respect that...

Don't get why doing things with his family would affect his space, but whatever.

I guess my plan for my unusual MLC siuation is to continue to avoid talk of our R. Haven't mentioned the A/OW in weeks-will keep that up. I hope H continues the couples communication class. I know H still has a long way to go through his MLC, but maybe it will help us truly hear and validate each other and that can only be a good thing! I'm going to keeping working on detachment and working through my anger for my own sanity.

Any other posters experience combining DBing with tradional MC? I think there are a few of us newer posters trying to understand how the two methods can work together, if they can...

DB
is a lot like alanon
a program to deal with active drinking
Both programs suggest detachment
leaving the alcoholic/ or MLCer person alon
to drink or not their choice
we have no control

The only difference I see in MC and DB is intimacy
IN DB there is no true intimacy b/c one person is checked out just like an active alcoholic
so IN traditional C, the therapist will get the MLCer to speak
they usually see things one sided- their way
so for now its validating them ( likea teen)
until they can either grow up or ?
Your H seems closer to you than some here
I think you are doing well choosing to stand and your techniques
continue to support H
as weel as Gal take care of you
you have to wait it out--no quicker way here
peace