Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--part 3

Please don't keep drinking - that's now what you need right now. In the end, it won't help, and can just be another problem you'll have to deal with.

Ill have one for you my man, I hope you can get all of this straightened out for you, I am truly hoping for the best,

Burt

AF: I am both happy and sad for you today: polar opposites. On the one hand I am thrilled for you that your W is home/coming home. This moment marks a milestone in your separation. It is the moment that you have posted about for months. Practically every post you made was about her getting her butt back home! Seriously, go back and read your posts. That is why they are saved here, so you can read them and remember what your mental state was when you wrote them. You wanted her home and wondered why she wouldn't come home. Each of those messages was a prayer, a prayer that she would come to her senses and come home.

She is home now, or will be shortly. That prayer has been answered. All those posts and all those pleas to God that she would come back. Not to make you feel guilty about having buyers regret, but there are dozens of people on here that would give everything they have to be in your situation with their Sp.

Does that forgive what she's done? No. It doesn't and it shouldn't. You are just today dealing with the admission of your worst fears. You've wondered for days what was so bad that would keep her away from you and your D. Even without knowing, you knew that it had to be something terrible. The admission is a blow, yes, but you've lived with the worst-case scenario for a while now. This wasn't a "pass the salt, and oh, by the way, I'm having an affair and want a divorce" moment that some folks here have had to deal with.

It is going to take time for both of you. The fact that she admitted the affairs is huge, and it shows that she does want to find some reconciliation with you. Your trust in her is shattered, but hers in you is still existent. You need the time to grieve and heal. Have a good cry. Let it all out. Real men DO cry when their heart is broken, you know that, so let it all out.

Don't think right now that you need to forgive. You are hurt and are feeling the betrayal fresh. In fact, I have heard council that what you want to shoot for is not forgiveness, but acceptance. Take the time for yourself right now and see if acceptance is something that you are willing to grant.

Thanks for everyones thoughts and prayers. I pretty much had a sleepless night. Too much thinking about what she's done and how our marriage has come to this. The funny thing is, I'm not angry. I'm empty. I don't know what I feel. I know it's probably going to be a long day. I know I said I forgive her but I guess the hard part is acceptance. How do folks get past this and accept it?

One day at a time my man, one day at a time, time heals all wounds.

Burt

Ok, it got worse again. Apparently the wife can't deal with the guilt. She told me today as we were walking around the track that she is now NOT coming home. I said why's that? She said she couldn't deal with the guilt for the rest of her life. I said what the freak am I supposed to tell our daughter who you told yesterday that you were coming home? She said I don't know. Well, that's freaking great. She said just let me go. I don't feel anything for you, I tried to yesterday and I just can't. She said, why did you have to go to Iraq? I said, no, no, I didn't tell you to go do this stuff. She said, I've been living with this guy, does that paint a clear enough picture for you? I said, you told me you ended it yesterday right? She said yes, but I still have feelings for him. She said, it's not that easy. I said the hard parts over--you already told me. She said I need some time. I said how much freaking time do you need? I'm not a freaking doormat. She said give me a week. I said a week for what? So you go call this guy and get back together. She said I don't know if I can stop. I said that's why I want you back home. It's like a drug. I told her that it wouldn't be easy but she needed to try. She said, I don't know if I can stop. I said you need to get help. She said I know but who do I talk to? I'll get in trouble in the military. She said, How could you want me back after what I've told you? I told her I loved her and if she was willing to try, our marriage was worth it. She said she didn't know. I asked her again, what am I supposed to tell our daughter? She said, I don't know, she doesn't even care if I come home? I said, you've got to be kidding--she's 13! I said you really need to get some help. She had the nerve if I was going to be ok, I just walked away, I just walked away.

At this point, I'm totally lost. I thought she was coming back home. Now we are at a whole different level. What to do, what to do.

Let her go…. There’s not much you can do at this point.

Continue to take care of yourself and your daughter. The roller coaster ride is not healthy for D13.

If it’s meant to be, she’ll be back. She’ll be lucky if you’re still there waiting.

Hi AF,

I'm so relieved that you finally got the truth.

Your W is navigating her thoughts and emotions and behaviors without any knowledge or support that we all have gained from collaborating on this board. When/If she does learn what she needs to learn, she is going to realize that all of this was so unnecessary. She will have wished that she communicated with you about what she was feeling long before any of her A's. I am wishing that your W finds someone wise to talk to. It is too bad that she didn't find this board long ago, so that she would have the loving support and guidance that she needed to face you with her grievances and ask for change.

It seems that your W is carrying a ton of shame from her actions, not surprisingly. She needs professional help to work through those feelings so that she can feel worthy of being your W and your daughter's mother again. It appears that she *wants to* fill that role, but she thinks that she has destroyed her chances of doing so beyond repair. (Also, I would bet that OM is still poking at her and trying to keep her in his court. This has got to be confusing, as she is just starting to rise from her fog.)

I'm so terribly sorry for the torment you are suffering.

She is so lucky that you're still willing to work to keep her as your W, especially after watching the pain that your daughter has suffered. Your deep love for your W has always oozed through your posts. She is luckier than she knows or recognizes.

All my best,
Lucky

Lucky, thanks for your thoughts.

I am wondering if I should just go ahead and file or if I should wait and give her the week she asked for to think. I mean, what possible harm could it do at this point?

Any thoughts?

Ultimately your decision of course but what is the week in the grand scheme? You can get your ducks in a row, even consult an attorney if you haven't yet. I met with one last October to find out where I would stand in the event of a D but I didn't file. And the visit was free...

I would however be as pitch dark as possible this week with the exception of your D wanting/needing to talk to her mom. Your D should always have access to her mom IF she wants it, but if she said she needs a week, give it to her. With her current pattern she will be calling you in a matter of minutes, but I would let her stew in it for awhile. Just my thoughts...