Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She doesn't love me anymore

Antlers,
Thanks for your support! She has said forever though... She has said that she does not think she will ever get it back. She told me in front of the therapist that she doesn't love me and it won't come back. Now she is talking about taking time and baby steps. Which one is it? Or is it both? She mentioned that she needs to work on stuff. If that involves trying to love me again, I'm afraid in will end in futility. When someone has reached a point where they "aren't in love" how do they ever find their way back? She doesn't know and I don't know.

She doesn't know what she wants! She only knows that right now, she doesn't want to be in this relationship. Stop trying to read into stuff. She's confused, and you're not a mindreader! Don't believe anything she says right now. How many times have you ever said something that you did not mean, because you were mad and/or hurt? They do the same thing!

Food for thought:

"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

This is a pearl of wisdom that I picked up this morning from Coach.

Of course I have said things that I didn't mean because I was mad or hurt... But if pressed on the issue, I was always able to step back and say how I really felt. It seems women cannot separate this. When they are mad and say something, they mean it... And when pressed... they mean it! I know she has been hurt, and there is a ton of brick and mortar in her wall. She always said that once she is pushed too far, then it is impossible for her to come back. That is my fear. My hope is that she still loves me and is protecting her heart from further possible damage. If she opens it, she's vulnerable for a crushing blow, so it's better to close all the way and lock it... Put it in mothballs so to speak until her girls are raised and she has moved on. If that's the case, then this is fruitless. Part of me wants to shout "F*@k it!" I'm not taking this! But the real core of me loves her more than anything.

Then if that's the case...stay committed, and continue to work on yourself to become a better man, father, and husband. And have some patience, patience, and some more patience. I know it's hard...not knowing. Women say things that they don't mean too. She said, "once she is pushed too far, then it is impossible for her to come back." How many times have a lot of us heard that? Saying it and doing it are two different things. Tell you what though...it is one way for them to let us know to STOP PUSHING! They will go to extremes to get us to stop pushing, even if it means saying stuff like that!

Just got an e-mail... She's staying home from work today. She's tired and stressed and just wants "me time." I can understand that. Starting to think I need to slow down with the hugging. But I don't know... Let me bounce something else off of you. She has gained weight and is not comfortable with herself. She is self-conscious about her body. If she can't love herself, then how is that contributing to this? How do I assure her that I love her no matter what, while at the same time keeping my distance?

She already knows you love her, man! You don't have to remind her, or reassure her, anymore! Don't look for excuses to pursue. I know it's hard. I struggle daily with it. It'd be so easy to contact her...but it's the wrong thing to do right now. Let her have her 'me time'. You're gonna have to do your thing...working on yourself, reading, learning, etc. And she's gonna have to do her thing too! They need the space and time, more than we realize, to figure out things on their own without us being in the picture to pester them.

Okay... Tomorrow is a volleyball tournament with her daughter. I haven't been to one this year. I have told her that I would like to go... Should I?

Yes, get there first. If she sits with you, great. If not, still great, she'll see that you are there supporting her D.

I agree, go to the tournament, cheer her and her team on. Sounds like a good way to start connecting with your stepdaughter.