Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there any hope or is the damage done

Have just woken up.......things are always the worst when I wake up.I think of my H waking up next to OW.
I have been reading up on LRT and have been actively following being in the dark; no contact except for necessary arrangements re our D etc.
He seems more than happy to not speak to me and more than happy to not be missing me.Is living his life with OW.
I have stronger days but this one is hard
Has the last 10 years meant nothing? Is his love for me dead, as he so readily says? His actions are saying loud and clear I have moved on.......
Would really appreciate some help and guidance..please

Been thinking about only believing half of what they do and all of what they say (hope I have that right!!!!)
My H said to me in Jan "My love for you is dead; it will never come back"; in February "I don't feel he same way as you, I do not reciprocate your feelings"; "I care about you as a a person, the mother of my child and a wife and a partner who has been in my life"; when I said to H that I was going to stand for my marriage, by myself if I had to (ad remarked on how lonely hat would be) he replied "now you will know what it feels like to be all alone and unloved"
He has been with OW (his development manager of his company) for the last 3 1/2 months. He will only speak t me in relation to our daughter.
His actions and words deny any care or feeling towards me.
Have read Sandis comments; Sandi, would be great to hear from you?
Thanks everyone for your time; its so comforting to know there are others struggling to. Am trying to be in LRT and so far am sticking to it.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday; my D and I have my mum staying from Australia, plus my best friend from London and her two sons. H wants to see D tomorrow with a view for her spending time with her two half sisters (from H's first marriage). I has reminded me how his family have shut me out over the last few months. I really miss my step-daughters (26 and 15). I miss his family, the only one I permanently have here. (Not one member has made contact with me)
H has made it quite clear that he wants our D to have a lovely Easter with each of us individually in our own separate ways.
H is so determined to re-establish his life, and seems to be doing so. He is also pushing legal proceedings, wanting to sort stuff out quickly.
I feel so discarded and abandoned; my life has changed overnight with his decision. Am trying to pick up the pieces slowly and surely and regain my power.
Forgive me but am having a down day. Trying hard to not think about what is happening now, but trying to manifest a future of reconciliation. But Very Hard.

wanted to post an update.......
H and I had a long chat two days ago. He is very hurt by the protection order and says that be can't trust me ever again, says that any word from me about care a d residual love is hollow. It saddens me to think that we have got to this point. It was a hard decision to make but I needed to do it for my protection. He is living with ow but us intending to move back home a few days a week for d sake.
He says that we have different agendas for our lives and this he thebest thing especially for our daughter. I disagree. He does not love me any more and this is hard.
Was put back into hospital yesterday in pain. Not sure how long I will be in.
Am trying hard to lrt but he seems completely remote from me and determined to love his new life. Friends family and our d are all there, but I needed to be gotten rid of.
Please, any feedback would be so appreciated, thanks

DO NOT let your H get you down. From what I've been reading, he's been a total jack@$$ from the moment you married him. I mean, what kind of a MAN doesn't let his W take his name? I'll tell you...the kind of man who is looking for a way out.

I'm sorry for you being here, and I have to ask if he really is the right one for your D to look up to. I know the emotions are raw (geez he didn't give you any time to let it sink in) and it seems like he's taking advantage of your kind nature. How dare he say that HE was hurt by your protection order. Give me a break.

Turn your energy to healing yourself first. Be the strong one for your D. I know it's extremely hard and my prayers go out to you.

I just don't have respect for someone who treats their W that way and especially in your condition.

He's going to continue to be on his emotional rollercoaster, but you DON'T have to join him on it. Jump off and make yourself strong first. You can't change him right now, especially if you think he's in MLC. You can only change YOU. Get strong and healthy and put your focus on your D. Worry about your M after you can stand on your own two feet and go toe to toe with him.

You are NOT weak. YOU are STRONG always remember that.

Thanks so much for your response; its wonderful to know that there is support out there.
I was released from hospital yesterday; have to go back or an examination and further tests Friday.
H spent the day with OW and rand at 8pm; primarily to speak with D.
I was so hurt but the question is, is he making this clear ie should I believe his thoughts and actions? He asked my mother how I was, when i got out from hospital etc. I couldnt talk with him. Trying to Go Dark but also just so very hurt. Am wanting to protect myself now.
We have a lot of work to be done on our house and I am determined to do it by myself; he has always complained about me not having any interest in the house. I love my house, and I am going to make it everything that we had hoped and dreamed. It will be his loss.
Having a day of hurt but also feeling a sense of regaining power. I have to be in LRT and i have to GO DARK; for myself and my daughter. As you rightly say; he is on an emotional rollercoaster; he is blaming me for everything and is finding so much in this new relationship to validate what was wrong with us. But that is so easy to do when you are in the throes of something new. He has lost his vision of what I have to offer.
I have a lot to offer; I have a lot of love to give and, even though i have made mistakes and silly ones at that I am mature enough to own up t them and turn my life around for the betterment of me and the people around me who I love. I am proud of that quality. I guess it is up to him whether he is prepared to believe it or not.

Love is patient, love is kind.........

I hope you are okay. It's hard enough to deal with a health issue on top of everything else going on. Just hold on and be strong.

As for your M. No M has ever fallen apart because of one person. DO NOT take all the blame for your H cheating on you. Everyone has problems with their M. But you DID NOT force him to go to another woman. That is his responsibility.

Plus the fact that he didn't bother to see you personally to see how you were doing re-enforces the idea that he's an @$$.

Heal thyself and then rebuild your home. He is not the top priority right now. You and your daughter are.

Don't worry we're all here to support you.

God bless.

Hi, innishannon. Welcome to the board.

Maybe you should use going dark and the LRT more as tools to remove yourself from the situation so you can start to figure out what it is that you want from your relationship. It seems as though from the very beginning there were things that should have put up red flags for you such as having to buy your own wedding ring (was it because he couldn't afford it or because he was uninterested in looking for one) and not being able to take his name (was that because he wanted you to keep your independence or was he planning ahead).

One thing you have to consider is that it's not going to seem as though he's noticing or appreciating what you're doing now because his mindset is of one who just wants to get away from the source of his problems and start a new life. Unfortunately he sees you as the source of his problems. Right now he's still focusing on all of the reasons why you're not the one for him and why this is the best thing blah, blah, blah. By doing the LRT you're taking yourself out of the picture and giving him the space he needs to realize that it's not all you. It's not going to happen as soon as you'd like and you may never know that he's realized this. Just do all of this for your sanity and well being. If you're doing it just so he'll notice and you keep checking to see if he's noticed then it won't work. You have to focus on yourself and your D and start building a life for just the two of you.

Dear Stuck 808 and meliru

Thank you so much for the wise counsel and feedback; Its true that I need to start putting myself and D first.
I have just woken up from what was a terrible nights sleep.Last night my H and I had an altercation; my fault probably in that he asked me how I was feeling post hospital and then he was yawning and looking at his watch, ready to leave,as I was getting ready to answer, This upset me and I realised for the first time how little he truly cares about me now.
I do not recognise him. He is living with OW, there are changes in him; taking more care in his appearance; less stress in his face (surprisingly), hair is washed everyday etc. And I realise that he has moved into a different world and does not love me anymore.
I guess I always felt that no matter what happened we would have a level of care for each other that was indicative of being together for 10 years.
I was shocked by his response to, what is for me, a very upstting and difficult time. I was hurt and said to him under the current circumstances I didnt feel that I could tell him; he didnt seem to mind either way and agreed. I then remarked how sad he situation was He responded by saying hat he has told me time and time again why he couldnt be in a relationship with me any longer, and why couldnt I understand this. this was hurtful; I do understand, but obviously am not in the same place as him. I care and he doesnt.
I guess what I have finally realised is that he is gone with no hope of return. It hit me like a brick and I am struggling. I have tried to have hope but I realise that he is gone; is in love with OW ???? (would love thoughts about this) and has happily created a new life for himself where I dont feature in any way; and where I have no rights to know anything.How do people detach successfully, especially with kids involved.
I feel so wounded, he may be happier without me?
I want so much to be albe to establish a new life for myself and my daughter but I dont know where to start.
Help..........

Just wanting to check in with everyone.
I feel so despondent and am wondering how I go about this. When WAS/H has OW how do you find hope?
Funnily enough, H is openly saying that his R with OW is not that significant, that he doesn't know what will happen in the future ad that he may not be with her in a few months. Because she is his development manager of his company, and the company is in very serious trouble (he has told me, age 54, hat he may be unemployed in the new year) that he may not be working with OW in 6 months time. Yet he is living with her????? What do I believe and what is he telling me? The truth or lies?
unfortunately, regardless of OW issues, H is very clear about not wanting me in his life. The issue of the Protection Order/Safety Order came up and he has said that once I did that it damaged things forever between us. He claims that it is a profound statement of lack of care and love towards him. Does he not understand that it broke my heart to have to do this? That the fact that he has been living with )W for the last 2 1/2 months and is now claiming that he will be moving back int the house 2-3 nights a week for the sake of our daughter and to keep a legal stake in our house is, to me, emotional abuse. That combined with being told for years that I am an unfit mother are the reasons why I have taken this order out, NOT that i don't love and care for him.I tried to explain is to him but he is resolute; I am not the right woman for him in his life. He does NOT accept that I love him; in fact he says hat he rejects it fully that he doesn't want it and that the fact that it is there irritates him. He has told me that he thinks it is attachment not love. This hurts. I consider it a noble act to love in the face of adversity.
He says that whatever bond we could have had for the future re commonality and shared goodwill is completely gone. He does not wish me any ill in my life but he does not want any part of it. He says that he feels a huge waste over the last five years of our marriage but when he looks at the future he sees no waste in terms of the decision that he has made.

I am Detaching and trying to GAL. I somehow feel that going dark is not going to work here. He doesn't care enough to notice. he will only acknowledge discussion about our D7, other than that he doesn't want to know anything about my life.

At this stage am I FOOLISH to think that there is any hope.When he so blatantly rejects me; so fully, with the knowledge that there is OW involved.

Please help.......