Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The adventure continues--part 3

I know it's all in my head. I just wish she would not have said she was thinking about coming back if she really wasn't going to. It feels like she's trying to control the sitch with this assignment stuff and I know she can't but for some reason I feel like she thinks she's going to live by herself, string me along for a long while while she figures out what she really wants to do, see my daughter when she wants to, etc. I honestly don't think she believes there are going to be consequences to her actions and she doesn't believe she is going to impact anyone emotionally. I shudder to think how this is going to impact my daughter down the road. On top of that, there is the financial aspect. If I move, we will each have to pay for half of this house until it sells. Based on her financial sitch that she's been telling me about, I don't think she will be able to afford it. So, there is a lot of stuff she isn't even thinking about. Hey, I might not even get promoted and then I won't have to worry about it for another year. Anyway, it would have been easier to detach if she had not said what she said and she needs to quit leading me on!

Remember that true detachment means that it doesn't matter what the WAS says: their actions are the only thing that matter. When she says "I'm thinking about coming home", or "I am coming home", you need to be skeptical. They are just words. Nice words, to be sure, but coming from the fogged-out mind they are meaningless. When she shows up at your door with boxes in hand, then you can believe she is serious.

Ok, I am really distraught now. The wife just called and came clean. She is having an affair and has slept with 3 other men besides this one. I said why are you telling me this? She said I want to come home when my lease is up if you'll still have me. We talked for a while and I told her if she wanted to come home then it would have to be tonight not when her lease was up. She told me she didn't know if she could face me and if I suspected. I told her I had. We talked for a long time. I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to get past this. We'll see. She said she loves this guy. Unreal. He's married too. I feel like puking. I told her no more contact with this guy. She agreed. I said no phone calls, no lunches, nothing. She agreed. She called back later and told me she called him and told him it was over. I told her we have to have mutual transparancy on everything from now on. She said ok. She said how can you ever look at me again. I told her I loved her and I would get past this but that it would take some time.

I find myself questioning what I said. Did I lie? I hope that I can really forgive her. I can't stop shaking. Somebody please help me.

Remember, forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. You've said that you love her...then do it. If your love is genuine and deep, and unconditional...then you can do it. Remember compassion. In a loving relationship you need to promote compassion, which is the only reliable prevention of resentment, anger, and abuse.

I think the fact that she came clean on her own was HUGE. I had to literally track my H, drive 5 hours and catch him in a hotel before he would admit his Affair.

And for her to admit everything, not just this guy but the others, that was a good thing too. Not that she slept with them, but that she could/did admit it to you of her own free will. Some would admit to the one and hide the others...

Wow, you wanted her to come home but I am sure you didn't want the rest of the story to be real.

I would say be cautious about the 'reconcile RIGHTNOW' thing. I mean if you want her to move home I see the value in doing it now. You don't want her finishing her lease living on her own where it would be harder for her to maintain the no-contact clause.

I hear the "Trust but verify" thing a lot here. Puppy is great with all of that stuff after an affair.

I would want some proof that she ended it, can she show you a text/email whatever that shows it? Transparency includes access to her email, cell phone bills, etc etc.

Of course, there would have to be counseling. My H has cheated on me w/3 different people over the last 10 years, each a few years apart. So whatever in her mind or your relationship has triggered her desire to stray, won't go away on its own. It needs to be rooted out and dealt with, IMO.

OK I am writing too much! Just glad for you that she is coming clean and wants to come home. Be cautious, of course, but remember this is what you said you wanted--the truth/details, and for her to come home.

It will not be easy, but just remind yourself what your goal is.

The only advice I can give (and recognize that I am clueless), would be that if I were in the position to make that choice, I would want to make it alone, away from her, away from anyone. I think that somehow you need to find some quiet. You know the answer yourself, you just need to find it.

Also have you heard about the Retrouvaille weekends? Sara on here is pretty knowledgeable about them, you can look her up.

My H and I went to one, it didn't stick b/c he wasn't really committed to it like i thought he was. But one key lesson at the weekend is that love is a choice and forgiveness is a decision. There is a whole part about deciding to forgive, deciding to love, that would really help in this situation I think.

"The goal of healing is to have whatever harm you've suffered become the least important thing about you."

"Other people's behavior (like your wife's) is not about you at all."

Another thing...I am deeply sorry for the pain and disappointment that you feel.

Hey AF,

I have a friend that is going through reconciling after an affair right now.

You most likely have already but I would get a couple of books specifically about that (there are several out there) and check out the threads.

Just like my situation now. I waited until my wife left to read some books and learn, I wouldn't want to wait until the second week of her being back in the house to read adivce that could have helped.

Be strong because if she comes back your frame of reference is going to shift. My friend is committed to improving his marriage but reconciling is just as tough on him as the thought of divorcing was. Just didnt' take him as long to overcome it.

I hope for the best.