he is sooo convinced you are the source of his pain. the D didnt make it go away so maybe marrying her will. Thats where the erasing you comes from,
Didnt you have a lawyer for your D?
My xh told me this himself. He told me he did not intend to get married so soon but he says things change. I can understand that some run off and get married soon after divorce and the reasons why. What I dont understand is my xh told me back about a month and a half ago (When I was calling him every now and then), that the ow's time was just about up. I asked why he says that and he said it's just time for her to go. They also have broken up twice since starting to date in Dec. or Jan. I cant remember. WHY all of a sudden is he wanting to get married. There was a rumor she was pregnant but he says she isnt. Yeah he said before he wanted to erase me from his life, that the only think that existed from his past was his son. He does say things out of anger though, but I think he really would like to forget the past. There was so much stress in the last year, I wanted to run away too, but I didnt. I never would. I love my family too much.
No, sadly, I didnt get a lawyer. He got one for free and I just signed the papers. He pretty much gave me everything. The mistake I made was believing he would take care of me no matter what. He said he would NEVER turn his back on us, no matter if another woman came into the picture. I tried telling him it would happen and he said NO WAY! I was stupid and believed him. See, I believed him because I couldnt imagine this man I was married to and loved would ever do anything to hurt me. I knew this man I thought, so I believed him. HOOK LINE AND SINKER.
Is he he telling you all this stuff himself? If so, that's just plain cruel. That's why you need LC/NC, so you won't have to listen to his crap. Don't bother attempting to be friends with him right now-- wait until you're stronger/more detached (at which point you may no longer care to).
You are still giving him too much headspace, but it might not be such a bad thing for you to get mad at/hate him for a while-- AS LONG AS YOU DON'T ACT OUT ON IT. Remember, living well is the best revenge!
You are sounding a bit better lately.
Yes he told me this on the phone. Word was getting around town and my son called him to find out the truth to it. He then told son about proposing marriage to her. I called xh after son talked to him and left him a message. He called me back and we spoke for a min. He told me he didnt inted to get married so soon. I did ask some questions, I know I shouldnt have, but I wanted to know what his plans were. I k now I shouldnt care, but its like I take a giant leap forward and then two steps back. We live in a small town and I had rather hear these things from the horses mouth, so to speak. I did break down when seeing the ring. I broke down and looked at her myspace, only to see a pic of the ring, I never even got one from him and I wanted to see if he spent alot of money on it. I was curious and yest it hurt, I knew it would. As I was saying I broke down and left him another message. I told him I didnt know what to think anymore and that it hurt me to see him spending that kind of money on her, when his son needs clothes for summer and I am struggling. Yes I know we are divorced and I am on my own, but he put me here, so I get angry at him. I am doing better, Thank You. It's times like these that get to me. I told him its not like she got a prize, it was just the fact of the money he was spending (which by the way, I dont know where the heck he got it).
It doesn't matter what he says or what he is doing or what he says he is going to do.
Have you ever thought that he is enjoying your reaction?
Have you ever thought that each time he gets a rise out of you it gives him a sense of control?
I am not sure who gives you this information and although I did post some advice on your last thread, I am going to repost it.
Quote:
"Son, I really don't want to know anything that goes on with your Father and his girlfriend anymore. I don't want to know what he says about me, good bad or indifferent. It is too difficult for me right now. Please don't tell me anything else about what he says about me, even if I try to get information out of you in a weak moment. If your Father and I have anything to discuss we will do it together without your involvement. It is more important that you have two parents that love you rather then try to drag you into their mess" _________________________
BND I know it doesnt matter, but sure is making me dislike him. I dont know about him enjoying a reaction out of me, because I think he would love never to see or hear from me again. He said today, we will never be friends and he will never be civil to me. He said he wanted me to leave him alone. Other than the last two days, I hadnt spoke to him at all. Thank You, I will take your advice.
Renee, The posters have been giving you excellent advice. Listen to them.
You need to sit your son down and have a serious talk w/him. If he raises the issue of your xh and starts talking about what his dad and the ow are doing or saying, then you need to politely change the subject and tell him that you no longer wish to hear about their lives. You also have to remember, a dog that brings a bone will carry one. In other words, your son is telling you stuff and then going back and telling his father what you are saying and how you are reacting to the information. You are the adult and have control over this issue. Stop the conversations concerning your xh and ow.
About his engagement and upcoming marriage...this is not your mistake to make. This is his life to screw up royally. You are divorced and you need to let him go completely. What he does w/his life is no longer your concern. Yes, we all know that rebound relationships usually don't work out...but this is not your worry. Keep in mind...you are not this man's mother.
Let him go. Keep the focus on yourself and your children.
Snodderly I am SOOOOO GLAD you are back. I thought I lost you forever. I do catch my self trying to be a mother figure to him. I told him, for instance, to make sure this is what he wanted before he done this, and he told me not to counsel him, he would be fine.
Hi SL, I am very much afraid you are not alone in believing your x, hook,line..... It is hard especially when you didn't use your own lawyer but what is done is done unless you feel you really were cheated then maybe a visit to a lawyer might be a good idea. You now have to concentrate on you and your son and rebuild a life for yourself. This is not easy but there is no alternative.
Not sure why you think H should be buying summer clothes for your son when he is 18 years old. Has your son got special needs or physical problems? He is old enough to be working perhaps at least part time if he is still at school. I really would do as others have suggested and not let him talk to you about his father,at least tell him you would rather not hear. Some children sad to say play both parents off against each other. All this will not be resolved overnight so take your time but at least have some goals to aim for.
naej, I see it a little differently then most I guess, I think no matter what the age your children are your children. No matter how old he is I will help him. My father has been helping me and I am glad I can sometimes depend on him. Yes my son is still in school, with that said, when he goes back to work part time, his check helps cover the bills, so if xh would help him buy some summer clothes it would be nice. A teenager is expensive to raise. I guess really he is our baby no matter what age.
Hi SL, no I don't think we see things that differently. I have raised 3 teenagers and now have a beautiful g/son. I /we (when my x and I were together) always helped them out and even now I like to treat them all as much as I can. My sons now actually suport me to some degree, they both have good jobs and want to do this for me. I am very blest with my children and always have been.(they are now 10 years or so older than your son) My point was that circumstances change and so do our expectations and sad to say those of our children do as well to some degree. Your son and his father have to make there own arrangements as far as a relationship goes. It will drive you crazy if you still have expectations of your x towards your son. My x who loved his kids dearly has had no contact in over 8 years apart from seeing his d and g/son when g/son was about 8 mths old-he will be 2 soon! They get nothing from him. They have no expectations and neither do I. I have wishes and dreams but I never voice them to my x or our children. So the less you have to do with your x,whether it is about son or not the better for your well being and mental health. That really was the point I was making. Yes our children whatever age are our children but we also need to prepare them for the world ahead and independance is a gift parents give there children.
Renee, Just because I don't post, doesn't mean that I'm not reading. There are numerous posters who can give you excellent advice. Listen to them. They are traveling the same road that you are.
Look after you and leave your xh to twist in the wind, and yes, make his mistakes. Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
