She's done with school. She is currently working two jobs and supposedly saving money to get her own place. She really has no concept of money or how to save it so I don't know how that is going.
I know that information from the W and from his facebook page. As far as financially, yeah...cellphone, car insurance, car payment...basically I still take care of the bills I took care of before.
DC,
I think the possibility is very strong that he is lying to your wife about the D thing, or at LEAST exaggerating it. He certainly wouldn't be the first one to lie on Facebook, and in adulterous relationships, BOTH parties lie nearly 100% of the time, so just factor that in to your decision-making somewhere.
As for the finances, I'd suggest that you immediately end any financial support that directly enables her affair. The cellphone would be the logical place to start, and I would let her know that "I will no longer financially enable your affair. I can't stop it -- that's your decision, you're an adult -- but I damned sure won't pay for it."
Entitlement is a huge undercurrent of affairs. If she wants to be a grown-up here, she can start by learning that she's not entitled to have her husband support, financially, all of the things that he did when she was committed to him.
She started a relationship with OM in Feb. (I'm sure it was an EA earlier) with a chef from the restaurant she externed at the last 3 months of school. Of course she says the typical stuff...I love him, he gets me, etc..
How is it you discovered her affair? Did she just ANNOUNCE it to you? (that's how you make it sound here)
You are totally correct that he could be lying about the divorce but at the very least he and his wife are separated since they are living in separate apartments. Pretty sure of that or otherwise how could my W be crashing at his place or taking care of his kids there? I think he is getting divorced but I think he is stringing the W along as a cushion for his own fall from grace. I'm sure this will all come crashing down eventually once the high from the new relationship wears off and they both realize the destruction and wake they left. As for the discovery, well....the night he made his feelings known was pre-bomb and she came home and told me. Of course she told me under the assumption of no way would it happen. Then when she dropped the bomb and we went to MC she confessed that she wanted to see him and that was the route she was going to take. A little more background on him and just to add insult to injury. The restaurant he works at is the same place we did valentines day for the last 3 years and is also where we had our wedding party dinner....OUCH!
As for the discovery, well....the night he made his feelings known was pre-bomb and she came home and told me. Of course she told me under the assumption of no way would it happen. Then when she dropped the bomb and we went to MC she confessed that she wanted to see him and that was the route she was going to take.
I just find that a little odd. That, and the thing you said about her strong reaction to even the THOUGHT of you moving on without her, makes me feel that she is crying out for you to FIGHT for her.
Just my gut, but most spouses who are "done" don't make grand pronouncements about their infidelity without getting dragged kicking and screaming into them. And they usually try to talk their betrayed spouse INTO dating, not the other way around.
That's an interesting observation about fighting for her. I've thought of that too and my MC said that some of the things she has done sounds like she is seeing if I'm still interested in her. But how do I fight for her without totally pursuing her which I did in the beginning and it pushed her away like crazy?
Yeah, I did the typical beginning....begged, pleaded, tried to reason logically...etc... Then I read DR and saw that that really was not the way to go.
And just to journal a little about today and what just happened. So W left yesterday afternoon to go work in her restaurant job and stay out for the night. I didn't call, email, text and she didn't either. Today she had to be at her second job at 7am to work until 2pm. Same thing...no calls, emails, text msgs from either of us. Just got a call from her but I didn't pick up as I try not to answer all her calls and was actually talking to a co-worker anyway. She was all pleasant and just wanted to talk about my day and her day and give me her plans for the night. Sounded like she just wanted to talk. So confused sometimes by that...
Also, a little more background info here. When I met my W she was in AA and had been in rehab for alcohol and drug abuse 6 months earlier. Once she started culinary school she fell back into the drinking thing. Staying out late, getting hammered...which i voiced my disapproval of but it fell on deaf ears. She also doesn't like therapists because growing up whenever she acted out her parents sent her to a therapist instead of dealing with her actions themselves. She has been told she may be bipolar by therapists before but doesn't trust them so she feels like they are just out to get a paycheck and not help her. She also refuses to believe that anything she is doing now is going to adversely affect our D3 and thinks she will be fine because she is young and if both parents love her nothing bad will come of this...even though everything she hears and reads says otherwise. It's like she is in complete denial about the ramifications of any of her actions. Also, the OM was her boss when she was externing at the restaurant and now because of their relationship she can never work there since the owner won't let couples work in the kitchen together and she knows if they end it he won't let it happen since he runs the kitchen. Nice huh?
