Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy hope lost...he said the D word!

well i guess all the positives and all the little things I held close to my heart ment nothing. every word out of his mouth a lie. he told me tonight that nothing has changed for him and that he wants a divorce. one of the most hurtful things i have ever heard someone say. i never thought we would be here. the pain is so awful. i am so upset and he is on the couch sleeping like a baby. how do you overcome the pain and pick yourself back up? i don't know how to begin? i need to make changes for myself but how do you make yourself get up in the morning when you just feel like the world around you is closing in and everything you once knew is gone forever.

Lost,

I"m so sorry to hear this. I haven't really followed your sitch that much, but your pain is evident, and I'm in pain this morning too and just wanted to let you know someone was out here listening.

I will say a prayer for you. If God Himself can raise up from the dead His son, anything is still possible for you, whether it be with this man or with someone else.

Hugs,

Puppy

Reading through your situation, my interpretation is that this is a low dip on the emotional roller coaster he has been putting you through. What I can also attest to from personal experience - you can step off that roller coaster and focus on yourself. I know with my situation - I'd be insane if I tried to ride along with W's emotional imbalances.

Puppy... hope your situation isn't deteriorating. I'm sure it is a journey dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, as I'm learning myself.

Thank you puppy and dc...

puppy...i am so sorry that you are in pain this morning. i don't know your exact situation but i know we are going through the same kind of pain. i know that life is not over, its just different. its excruciating to be hurt by the person you love the most and had all expectations and dreams to spend the rest of your life with. when that person gives up on you, its hard not to give up on yourself.

dc...you are exactly right. i have been more focused on worrying about if the affair is over and trying to find the will to move on from that, i feel like we missed our chance of working on what was broken before to get him to the affair part of it. i should have jumped off the roller coaster long ago and started immediately working on myself. somehow i will pick myself up and do the things i need to do. i will still be here even if he won't so i need to make myself happy. i can't allow him to make me miserable.

i feel like our marriage is over but yet in the same breath i feel like there is still a renewed hope. i think that him moving out will be the best thing. i think i should have let him go in the beginning when he wanted to leave. i think that would have pushed me to be the person i know i can be but have been scared to be.

he actually admitted to me this morning that he didn't really try to save the relationship. he was just going through the motions of everyday life and ignoring the problems in hopes they would go away. he even admitted to me he was willing to keep living this way for as long as i would let him.

is it stupid to think that there is still hope for us even after separating? i feel like we didn't get it right in MC the first time. all i did was talk about the affair, now i know he needed to talk about what happened before the affair. he said he was scared to hurt me by telling me all the things that bothered him. and because of his silence we are here...talking about separating and divorce and if he had just spoke up when he felt that way we could have overcome together.

thank you all for listening and helping. i wish you all a good Easter and hopefully a pain free day.

Im so sorry lost, I really hope that this is just a bad day.

I think that you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned him not speaking up sooner. I think thats how a lot of us have gotten here, I know its how I got here at least.

Dont do anything unless you want to, I think thats the most important thing I can tell you. Dont sign anything until you are ready, I know I had to feel like I had done everything humanley possible before I wanted to sign them. And even then, Im still not D, so even that isnt the end of the world. I dont think that it is stupid AT ALL for you to stay hopeful, even in the face of separation. You are a good person, you dont just give up on the people that you love. Find something that makes you smile and do that, dont let his bad behavior ruin you.

During this phase of my sitch, I found strength in reading all the relationship books, learning about communication, affairs, all kinds of things. It helped to learn about how I got here, and what I could do about it. I prayed, exercised, wrote letters, not ones that I would give to anyone, I took most of them to the beach and burned them, and I wrote in a journal.

I know things are so hard right now, dont forget to sleep, eat and drink water.

My H was the same. Didn't speak up until he'd already had a PA for at least a month. Told me he thought I wouldn't get a part-time job or want to work on our marriage! Don't know if that's bs or if he did think it, kind of convenient thinking.

I think sometimes the As tend them to see things as worse than they are; my H literally told me he did that at the start of the affair. So don't know how much of it is really our faults. Communication is good, I do wish we had tried MC before the A, but really it's the WAS that should be requesting that if they are unhappy. Karen

thank you blue and karen for the encouraging words and advice. my H and i talked again last night. i told him if he wanted a divorce that we could do it two ways. separate for the time we needed to and get one or if he was 100% sure and wanted one right away i could use adultery as grounds and get a speedy one, which would screw him over with his security clearance and career as well as the OW's as well. of course he opted for the 1st.

after that i told him that if he wasn't 100% sure he wanted a D and if there was any part of him that was confused and didn't know what he wanted to tell me and we could figure things out. i told him i couldn't keep living like we have been and keep thinking he wants to be here for us. he asked me if we could take a break. he is going to get a part time job and find somewhere to live and we will go from there.

its a big relief because i thought he just wanted a divorce and be done with it. maybe i am reading so much more into it but if he is willing to take a break maybe he is just confused by the affair and what it meant and maybe there is still hope for us. at least if we separate it gives me time to work on myself and let him see it. it will be at least a few weeks or more before he can move out as well so if he is here, we can also work on it even if he doesn't know it. time to restart db'ing and see if i can really get it right this time.

the funny thing is after all this he asked me if i still wanted to go to the movies yesterday. and also he expected to still be sleeping in the bed beside me. if you mention divorce and separating, why on earth would you want to share a bed with me or go to the movies with me. and he did all sorts of housework yesterday as well. needlesstosay he has slept on the couch the last two nights, we didn't go to the movies and i also did not shave his head like i normally do every sunday night. its time he learned what its going to be like not having me in his life to support him and do all his deeds. its time to push him out of his comfort zone and maybe he will realize what he will be missing.

LnL

Don't try to figure him out. My W gave me the ILYBINILWY speach in Jan 08, PA at same time, wanted D in June yet still slept in same bed until Oct 08. in hindsight.

Words to remember - believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

It is a verrrrrrry long road you are on. Take care.

Thanks LiS for the heads up. It's really hard to figure out what to do these days when figuring out what to believe when he opens his mouth. Its hard to not want to believe him after being in a relationship with him for 12 years, but this past year and all the lies he told in 6 months time just ruined it all.

We have been talking so much more the past 4 days and he has opened up more and more each time we talk. Even though we have talked and agree we need to separate and put some space between us, he feels like him starting over if we get a divorce is the hard way out and not the easy way out. I tend to disagree. I think running away from the M and not giving it your all to try and work through the feelings and all that is the easy road. Yeah, its hard starting over but its also running away when things get hard.

Yesterday was my b-day. He worked late and didn't even call or wish me a happy b-day until he called at like 6 to ask me what he needed to buy to make cupcakes for a bake sale at work. He asked me what I was making for dinner and I said to him I thought he was taking out to dinner for my b-day since he had said it the night before. He said oh yeah, I didn't forget. So he comes home with a card, no gift...which i didn't expect anyways, and then we went to dinner.

Of course at dinner we started talking about things. I asked him if when he goes out on his own soul searching if this involved seeing other people. He got totally offended and then asked me if that is what I wanted. I told him of course not.

I guess the thing I have a problem understanding is if he says he needs space because he has become numb, then why is he taking me to dinner for my b-day, asking me to go to movies, sitting here opening up to me more, asking my opinion on things, telling me he doesn't want me to see someone else while he is finding himself. Why does it matter what I do or what I say to him so much if he is considering not wanting to be married. Its like he needs this affirmation all the time that I want to be with him or how i feel about him but yet he never gives it to me. I feel like he is my puppet master sometimes and he just messes with my strings just enough to keep me thinking he is moving in a positive direction.

all i truely know is that this is really hard!

Since this all started for me, I've asked myself, "What would I advise my friend to do if she were in this situation?" Remove yourself, and look at it as if this is not you, but a great friend you love dearly. Advise yourself what to do.
I would tell you, stop talking to him about the relationship. Period. If he needs to "go find himself" let him. Let him know you are at home, but you are going to be doing your own thing and be honest, if that doesn't include dating, then don't date.
Go GAL, do some 180's. Write down your behaviors toward him, your reactions in certain situation. Then write down what the opposite would be and start doing that.
For example: He comes home and you immediately ask him about his day or what he did, who he was with, etc. Now, when he comes home you say "Hi, hope you had an awesome day...I have some dishes to wash (or whatever you can say to leave the room, nicely--not b***hy like)."
Let him know you love him, but if he decides he needs to pull the plug you are going to not only be fine, you're going to recover faster than he will.
Be confident, be sexy, be the you that got him to propose in the first place. That you is still there, she's just freaked out.