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Thanks for the encouragement. Left home before H got there and have errands to run at lunch- so I may see H tonight at the girl's musical. I worry the girls will push their dad away(as one of them, D11, already has) and he won't keep trying to salvage and maintain a relationship with them. I worry that I won't have the patience to see this through. I guess ithis is the bottom of my rollercoaster ride.

Had to drop off groceries at lunch and H was there putzing around in yard. I made small talk and asked H if he'd gotten outside in the nice weather yesterday, since he first started telling me how he slept 12 hours last night..H said he'd gone for a bike ride yesterday. I asked if he went alone and he angrily said "No- I went with OW"..Then my emotions got the better of me and I asked if he'd spoken with the girls yesterday and he said "No, the didn't contat me" and I said "Oh, I thought you were going to contact them everyday.." Zing-I knew better..
I still tried to be pleasant but I felt awful/hurt. So I asked my H about if he'd thought more about going with me to San Diego and since he still wasn't sure(and I'm thinking he's still having his A)-I asked if he could change my plane ticket to return earlier(so I will be home on Mother's day!) and he did.

Back at work, I did send him a brief email apology for not keeping my emotions in check and he responded "I am sorry as well. I don't know how to change things or make them different or better. Everything is painful, sad, and awkward."
I did talk to H about sitting with me tonight at the musical performance as he indicated in his email he would like to. I said it didn't need to be awkward and he said "but it is"- I said we could work on that-he was sad and whispering by the time I said goodbye.
H looks exhausted, his hair is thinning and he looks older. I think now that the issue of San Diego is settled and there won't be a lot more school things to go to, I'll have an easier time being 'dim'. I feel less and less positive things towards H. Maybe that is due to my feeling(and hopefully dealing) with my anger towards H. He just seems sad and pathetic now.

Wow. Your h sounds so much like mine. He often says to me that he wants to "fix" or change things with me, go back in time, all that stuff, but that he doesn't know how. The funny thing is we have given them every chance to fix things and stop this madness. It really is so bizarre.

Its funny about his email isn't it? I was telling my friend what he wrote and the obvious answers came to me..How do you fix things? You stop the A. You work at he marriage. I know nothing a true MLCer would say or do at this point in the process, but it sure seems like a no-brainer to me!

H sat with me tonight at our daughter's musical. It was comfortable, especially considering our tiff this afternoon. H had forgotten about our marital communication class tomorrow! So he was glad I reminded him and we'll drive there together. H is having intestinal issues due to the AD but won't tell his med nurse so they can switch him to something different! Does he just want to suffer? Weird!

I told H I bought our daughters and myself tickets to see Wicked this fall(they haven't seen a Broadway caliber show before, so this will be my treat) and he asked how much it cost and got kind of quiet and withdrawn when I game him a ballpark amount. Not sure if he felt bad he couldn't do this for them, or upset b/c of the amount of (my) money I spent..I guess he still has issues regarding money...

I figure with all the things going on with H he is going through replay, depression and maybe starting the withdrawal stage(at least with his friends/daughters) of MLC. As angry as I've been, I still feel pretty sad for H. The A aside, he doesn't have a very fun, fulfilling life. Rather empty, lonely and sad. Its hard to see people we love suffer and be unable to help!

Keep in mind the A isn't probably a whole lot of fun either. It is used as an escape from reality. It's not that it necessarily makes them feel good but it makes them feel not as crappy. Does that make sense? It temporarily numbs the pain of depression. That's what the MLCer's use the replay activities for.

Try not to analyze the stages at this point. I find myself doing it from time to time also.

I think that is the hardest part for me. Knowing my wife suffers with so much pain and I have to just sit back and watch it happen. She doesn't even want to be my friend right now so I have to let her go and hope one day she will return.

D,
I think that is the hardest part too. For me, the mothering/aiding/rescuing instinct is very strong. That is one of the things I'm working on for myself regarding my interactions with H and my getting-to-be independent girls. I'm doing a lot of baby steps in letting go for all of them.

It hurts to see the ones you love in pain. Its hard for me to somewhat understand what a MLC might be like/feel/look like but my H has NO clue what he's in the process of, and I can't help him there. Its hard to participate in this from the sidelines and have little control over the outcome of the game.

Ok so I went home at lunch to drop off my new purchase- a "cheap" laptop b/c our home computer memory is almost full and the girls would like a more mobile computer(it was a want, not a need). I didn't want to keep the laptop in the car while I was at work.

H was there and although he knew I had planned to buy the laptop his facial expression showed a lot of hidden anger when he saw it. I asked him if he was angry at me for something and he said he was. He was angry b/c I was buying things for the girls(beds, tickets to Wicked, laptop-which is really more for me but..) and he felt like I looked like to "good" parent and he didn't look good. He has long had issues about me making more momey and obviously still has these issues.

I said I hadn't thought about how it might look and I didn't think our girls would see it that way at all. Then he got mad b/c I had more books on my nightstand that he foound disrespectful (How to Forgive!!) and a written title of a book, Coming Apart on a piece of paper....So we had a stupid argument about that. Basically I felt that he just wanted to yell at me and blame me for everything wrong I think.
He is obviously 'snooping' if he saw a written book title on a piece of paper and the title of an upside down book on my nightstand...

He's still in ALL stages of MLC!! Anger is BACK! Ha ha! You're right, D Money, the stages and keeping track don't help for everyone. My H is visiting all of them, it seems all the time..
I really wonder how I'll be able to keep on loving him through this b/c I have a hard time separating the pre-MLC H I knew from this creature. I'm tired!

K
It is a long journey
and you will continue to encounter strange interactions
they want to be right and justified for their feelings
so if he feels inadewuate b/c you make more money and can buy things for girls , he will blame you
they will blame us for as much as they can
they will manipulate
they do not think rational in MLC
you continue to take care of yourself and your girls
peace

Hi Peace- Thanks for the post. I think this afternoon bothered me b/c it was one of the first times I remember my H in a way having a pity party at my expense and in a way blaming me for being lucky enough to get paid well for what I do every(work)day. I also realized my H really is snooping and not just seeing books piled under my nightstand-he really had to look for the written book title and the upside down title of the book by my bed. Any other MLCers caught snooping? I thought that would be the last thing they would do as they are so opposed to being around us LBS.

Tonight we went to our communication class and its based on the ERAP technique and the book "How to Fight for your Marriage"- which in my reading a zillion books since January I have read! Of course H felt decieved by his therapist as she told him this was a communication class, not necessarily based on saving a marriage... But to give him credit, he stuck it out and participated with me in the few exercises we did. He acknowledged he does the four types of dangerous communication (in fact we did them all this afternoon!)..He wants to feel known and therefore loved. I said I wanted to know him and he got a bit huffy. He really is balking at anything that would indicate an effort on his part to improve our mariage. The therapist leading the group did bring up some other books people might be intersted in and one was Divorce Busters.

Not sure how well this class will work with me trying to be dim as we are supposed to practice our new communication skills as we learn them. This class seems to be going the more traditional route of marriage preservation and since H is in a MLC I'm not sure how this will play out b/c the last thing he wants to do or seem to be doing is working on our R.

Any other DBers go through something like this and if so, how did it go? Any known potholes to sidestep? Any suggestions whatsoever?

My wife didn't snoop but she did something quite interesting when she came to move her stuff out. She came while the kids and I weren't there. I came home to find everything on the dresser that she took thrown all over the bed. Amidst all this chaos she had taken my favorite picture of her which was on my nightstand and placed it next to my pillow.